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Readers, I hear you breathing!

August 9, 2011

Dear Readers,

Thank you for following my blog!  I write it for me, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit I also write it for you.  Even though I can’t “see” you on my comment board, I know you’re there and I can hear you breathing

How?  The rodents who live inside Word Press tell me you’re there.  (I imagine they’re similar to the ones who operate Fred Flintstone’s washing machine – less creepy snaggle-toothed, more adorable hamster-like.)  They create pretty bar graphs to tell me how often you’re reading, when and what.  Not who though.  No, no, please don’t panic!  I don’t know who you are.  It’s not like Evite invitations where I can detect lurkers’ identities.  (And speaking of, if you ever want to get yourself un-invited from a party, just check your Evite invitation every day for three weeks, stalking the RSVP list, so you look like a total psycho.  That’ll do it.)

So I’ll make you a deal.  I dream of a blog where comments flow like clear water in a babbling brook.  Where I offer a forum for people to purge their childhood memories into cyber space for the amusement of all mankind.  This is where you come in.  See that comment area at the bottom?  That’s right; leave ‘em there.  If you don’t, it’s like hanging up on the answering machine.  You can even use an alias!  Like Max Headroom.  (I give points for obscure pop culture references.)  But, please, keep them relatively nice.  I barely survived junior high, so I’m still very fragile (see Mayberry or Hooterville).

Here’s what’s in it for you.  I happen to own a scanner.  Ta-da!

The more comments I receive, the more bad photos I reveal.  I’m talking some doozies.  Photos that’ll make you cringe, weep with pity, and sing praises to God that all you had were bad acne and a mullet.  True, everyone had awkward years.  But I had awkward decades.  Here are the levels I possess, courtesy of the Marcia Archives. 

Level 1:  Unkempt appearance or bad clothes, though still resembling cute.

Level 2:  Bad or asymmetrical perms.

Level 3:  Awkwardness that would make bad perms look good.

I even have, Bonus Level:  Humiliating writings and/or drawings. 

That’s right.  More comments from you and more of Level 3 from me.  Yes, sir, that’s one promise I will keep.

Now, I’m hearing some mutterings like, “I’m at work and I can’t appear suspicious by typing on a blog.”  First off, shame on you.  Second, here’s another way you can help.  I’m taking a poll on what you want to read about in my blog.  Dig in.

Thank you for your feedback!  I’ll try my best to make you proud.


21 Comments leave one →
  1. Captain Stubbing permalink
    August 9, 2011 3:31 pm

    I will try and post some comments.

    Captain Stubbing

  2. August 9, 2011 5:24 pm

    Wow, Captain, you stumped me! That’s hard to do. You could’ve went obvious like Isaac or Gopher. But, no, you’re a guy who definitely knows his Love Boat. Nothing to be ashamed of. Welcome aboard.

  3. Dr Adam Bricker permalink
    August 9, 2011 7:10 pm

    I’ll leave comments, too. You are a good writer with a terrific sense of humor!

    Dr. Adam Bricker

    • August 9, 2011 7:51 pm

      Dr. Adam Bricker? Holy smokes! I can see now I should’ve polled you all on whether I should do more stories involving The Love Boat. Clearly there is a place in this world for more Love Boat trivia.

  4. Punky Brewster permalink
    August 9, 2011 8:07 pm

    Polls are cool- loving your blog, and I’m not much of a blog reader. Punky power to you!

  5. AnonyCuse permalink
    August 9, 2011 8:11 pm

    Since you already know I read your awesome blog, I figured I’d make the username pretty obvious. Keep up the good work!

    • August 9, 2011 8:16 pm

      Yeah, and you keep up the good ideas…like Chiquita banana stickers. (I swear I didn’t steal that! Although, I might steal flip-flop.)

  6. Mork permalink
    August 9, 2011 11:03 pm

    No making fun of mullets. I sported a nice one back in the day. Now memories of hair are all I have left.

  7. August 10, 2011 8:54 am

    I read your blog every day while walking on my treadmill (love my iPad!), but it’s a bit of a challenge to type a comment without tripping over my feet! Thanks for helping me pass the time in my otherwise boring basement. Your posts are hilarious and I’m sure you’ll be one of those bloggers who get a book deal in no time at all!

    P.S. I used to be obsessed with StatCounter, but it drove me crazy trying to figure out who was reading my blog in the Russian Federation or Saudi Arabia!

    • August 10, 2011 7:45 pm

      You’re much too nice.

      P.S. Stats: I’m obsessed with the many hits I get a day from Google searches on Freezy Freakies gloves. Who are all these people searching Freezy Freakies online? I’m sensing the beginning of a winterwear uprising of some sort.

  8. Papa Smurf permalink
    August 10, 2011 1:36 pm

    Love your blog! Poop stories are great.

    • August 10, 2011 7:42 pm

      Thanks, Papa Smurf. My mom will be thrilled that my dirty diaper story really resonated with you.

  9. September 4, 2011 9:30 pm

    Dear Angie,

    Enjoying the blog, sorry about the loud, overheard breathing, it’s a habit I’ve tried to break for about seven minutes total… doesn’t really bother me.

    I too have internal debates of the Hooterville/Mayberry variety, but it’s more because a clandestine quasi-government agency stole me away from my comfortable secluded life with my trusty coonhound (and cello) to reacquire an advanced helicopter during the height of the cold war.

    I must also apologize (and not reveal all of the details), for due to the extreme secretive nature of said helicopter, I was unable to assist in airlifting you and your friends who had gone off the road in 1994 on the way to one of those cornfield events. (Too many cameras and prying eyes were there that evening.)

    I’ve probably said too much, as our funding is officially nonexistent these days, but still possible through budgetary-gymnastics, and I know this connection will be traced.

    Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

  10. October 18, 2011 10:11 am

    You are funny! You might like my recent post on The Wonder Years. Was that a part of your 1980s nostalgia?

    • October 18, 2011 10:28 am

      Oh, wow. I loved that show. (Sigh.) It makes me get all nostalgia-y just thinking about it. There is a show called Freaks & Geeks that is worth your time checking out. It only lasted one season (tragic) though it was praised by critics and won an Emmy around 2001. Takes place in a high school in 1980 and I liken it to the 1980s version of The Wonder Years.

      Thanks for reading! I love your blog.

      • October 18, 2011 10:39 am

        I have heard of that show! I will see if it’s streaming on Netflix. That’s where I found The Wonder Years, and am so thankful to have the opportunity to re-watch it. It’s been a lot of fun.

      • October 18, 2011 10:42 am

        Yay – I am on it. Will be checking that out tonight on Netflix.


  1. Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? «

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