A Pac-Man poncho is the best we can do.
Okay, I’m feeling just a tad disappointed by the lackluster response to my request for readers’ submissions of outside-the-box, preferably homemade, costume ideas. I had promised (here) that I would pick the best one(s) and announce it in a future post.
Unfortunately, for every 70 people who read that post, I only got roughly 4 original costume submissions. Which means, altogether, I got about . . . let’s see, let me figure this again . . . where’s my notepad . . . okay, carry the one, carry the one, cross out the nine . . . oh, yes, that’s right . . .
That’s okay. I know this doesn’t mean you don’t love me or don’t respect the work I’m doing to resurrect outside-the-box costumes. I know you’re probably just intimidated by my Halloween costume repertoire.
And you should be.
Here is a sampling of some of my own costumes over the past few years:
2000, Gwen Stefani. This idea was born out of ego after being told at a bar one night that I looked just like her. Granted, that person at the bar was so drunk he’d wet himself and might’ve actually been telling this to his hand.
The highlight of my Gwen Stefani Halloween night was when my bindi stone popped off my forehead and into a guy’s beer. The “highlight” being that I got to watch him unknowingly ingest it.
2001, Tipi Hedren (The Birds). Do not tell me your neighbor’s friend did this. Do not! I would argue your neighbor’s friend heard about it from my neighbor’s friend’s cousin’s florist’s fiancé who saw it on me at a party in 2001. Unlike your neighbor’s friend, I can tell you exactly when the idea came to me. It was in 1999 while walking around a video rental store (where I get almost all of my costume ideas).
Oh, and if you say your neighbor’s friend wore this in 1997, well, that’s when I’ll tell you that it actually first came to me in a dream. Yes, while I was asleep in a womb in Florida in 1975. Take that, your neighbor’s friend.
By the way, since 2001, I’ve resurrected this costume four times. My birds store very well until next season, along with their poop (aka White-Out).
1996, Mia Wallace (Pulp Fiction). Don’t tell me your neighbor’s friend . . . (see Tipi Hedren, above). But I bet your neighbor’s friend didn’t have an adrenaline syringe sticking up from her heart. Oh, so she did. Damn, she’s good.
2006, Stepford Wife. Truth be known, I’m really just June Cleaver at heart and was thrilled for the chance to unabashedly pair my pearls with my ruffled apron. I completed this look with an electrical cord emerging from my back. Although, I strongly believe millenium Stepford Wives should be battery-operated for more convenient use in the kitchen and to avoid tragedy during bathtime.
2005, Margot Tenenbaum (The Royal Tenenbaums). I’ll be the first to admit, this costume didn’t quite work for me. For one, I’m 5’2, unlike 7’2 Praying Mantis Paltrow. Disturbingly, this costume absorbed right into my pores and the following year I bore a daughter who I promptly named Margot. Her index finger is not made of teak.
2004, Joan Crawford (Mommie Dearest). My accompanying coat hanger bullwhip was my favorite costume accessory yet. Unfortunately, this costume led to a make-up disaster after I caught a pesky bout of reverse-eyebrowrexia. The bigger I drew them, the smaller they looked. And as the night wore on (and my eyebrows wore off), I made twenty-two trips to the bathroom to further enlarge them with an eyeliner pencil. At some point they merged with my hairline and I got the bonus of simultaneously going as Eddie Munster.
At the end of the night, when I washed off my make-up, I hallucinated that I was Powder.
Last week, a loyal reader (bless his little pea-picking heart) scoured the internet to find me a picture of the costume he wore as a kid (at left). Unfortunately, that costume came from a box, or most likely a bag, so I could not accept it as a valid entry.
But, while he was looking for the picture, he spotted this and sent it on to me (click here and fasten your seatbelt). I’m thrilled that he did!
This is, quite possibly, the most thorough and impressive photographic, historic timeline of one person’s Halloween costumes I have ever run across in my entire lifetime.*
* The only one.
These costumes even put to shame all the wiffle-ball-ghost-Chucks and homemade-pirates-in-hotpants of the world. I hope you’ll check it out, as you’re in for a treat – a treat much better than a popcorn ball.
And I hope that this year, if a child happens to come to your door dressed in any one of these costumes worn by Dan, you will not call Social Services. No, instead I hope you’ll give him the entire bowl of candy for the tremendous costuming effort he put forth.
Job well done, Dan! You are truly an inspiration to us all. Or you damn well should be.