Put that away before someone gets hurt.
But back in the ‘70s, there was no Primitive Bob Saget to dole out cash awards to those good honest folks out taking-it-in-the-groin for America’s viewing pleasure. (And what a shame, since Bob Saget’s signature “not-funny” brand of stand-up would’ve probably done well in the Variety Show Era.)
That’s okay — my parents weren’t trolling for prize winnings. They just couldn’t stand to miss a good photo op. See for yourself.
Intuition tells me something is amiss. You can tell I damn well knew it, too. Just look at the body language, just look at my shoulders. Just look at my brother’s smile, just look at his vulcan death grip. Just look at the cliff we’re sitting on, just look at this great photo my mom snapped.
My mom was too busy taking my picture here to notice that I just roller-skated under a 200-pound Maytag appliance stacked haphazardly on top of two narrow boxes. And now another poor kid is a training-wheel collision away from his untimely demise.
My parents love to tell the story of how I’d perpetually crab-crawl my way under this old director’s chair and then bawl my head off when I couldn’t get out. A while before they’d free me from the badger trap, and a moment or two before they’d kiss away my tears, they’d grab their camera. (If this chair wasn’t the end of me, the waist-deep shag carpet surely would be.)
Aww, what could possibly be cuter than pets or babies? Pets and babies side by side in a photograph, that’s what. My parents thought it’d be even cuter to throw my infant brother in a giant dog food bowl for the photo. Then they readied themselves with the camera to capture how it all played out.
My mom has often told me how I’d relish in getting to scale her desk and fiddle with her sewing machine. I was fascinated by the needle, the way it could stitch together two fabric scraps. But could it also stitch a trusty security blanket to my wrist? I was about to find out. (It’s relevant to point out that our camera was probably not stored in the sewing room. Fortunately, by the time my mom returned with it, I hadn’t toppled backwards and blew the great photo op.)
There was a festive wood-burning fire in here. My mom requested I photoshop it out.
A clever guy, that brother of mine. And my parents were thrilled for the chance to capture that brilliance early on. I don’t know what’s worse, an unsteady toddler standing on his highchair or an unpottytrained toddler standing in a diaper that’s hanging-on-for-dear-life. Let’s hope the imminent fall didn’t cause him to lose all control.
Please, I beg of you. Get this poor kid to the potty. Do not grab the camera and do not say cheese. Do not pass Go and do not collect 200 dollars (Bob Saget doesn’t even have that kind of cash). Just get there already.
Moms and Dads, the folks at Kodak would like to remind you, it’s always Picturetime! Even when your kids are out fishing for sharks, even when they’re off wetting themselves. Don’t let safety get in the way of Picturetime.