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Spreadable Cheese

November 20, 2011

Today I looked up the definition of versatility in Webster’s Dictionary and learned it means 1.) capable of doing many things competently, 2.) having varied uses or serving many functions, and 3.) variable or inconstant; changeable.

Then I looked in my 9th grade English notes and learned 1.) there is nothing versatile about someone whose writing rarely deviates from one topic (i.e. Why I Hate New Kids on the Block), and 2.) never start a piece of writing with a definition from Webster’s Dictionary. 

So, based on all of that, I’m pretty sure I’m not qualified to accept a nomination for the Versatile Blogger Award, as so kindly bestowed upon me and other truly great bloggers.  (Sincerely though, thank you, Kana Tyler.  You are one cool chick.)

However, since I don’t feature a blog roll on my site, I liked the idea of spreading around a heavy layer of aerosol cheese on those talented writers I love to read on WordPress.

And another thing, I’m still reeling from the effects of a chain letter I didn’t send when I was back in high school.  Sure enough, within eight weeks, bad luck was inflicted on me.  I got the most enormous pimple on my forehead that I promptly pierced with a rusty safety pin.  It ruptured, just as planned, became infected and created a massive disfiguring scar that looks like I got nailed in the head with a prison mace. 

So certainly I don’t want to forever regret yet another lapse in protocol. 

The Versatile Blogger Award Committee encourages that I now in turn nominate fifteen bloggers for the award.  I’ll tweak this rule and make that a condensed list of eight.  I’ve recently got a big burst of new followers to my site (disco!) and I’m slowly working around to visiting their sites.  For now, these are the blogs I usually read without fail.

Ramblings and Rumblings.  Speaker7 is a wickedly funny satirist who should be writing for The Onion or The Daily Show or SNL’s Weekend Update.  Sometimes I think she is actually my darker, drier, funnier Bizarro World clone.  I believe her name is Zangie A.  Like many of her blog followers, I want to adopt her as my new BFF.  Only I think I’m more worthy than her other suitors since I share her age-old obsession with Ralph Macchio.

Best Bathroom Books.  Les is a brilliant, hilarious and legitimately experienced writer whom I consider something of a writing mentor around here.  He’s comfortable enough in his own skin to pose a serious philosophical debate and then title a subsequent post Double Uranus Hump Day Pepperoni.  He can jump from cerebral to humor with the greatest of ease, and usually they’re both tied into one.

She’s A Maineiac.  Darla feels like my sister-from-another-mister and not just because she shares my weakness for hyphenated-words-and-phrases.  Something about her genuine, funny and conversational writing style feels like walking into a hug.  And I mean that as a big compliment.  And I’m not even a hugger.  

The Good Greatsby.  Paul is also hilarious and I’m addicted to his caption contests like crack cocaine.  Although, judging by his regal smoking jacket and his 600+ blog fans, I’m pretty sure he would’ve been one of the cool kids in junior high who wore the pleated Z Cavaricci jeans and called me ski slope nose.

The Simple Life of a Country Man’s Wife.  I love her photography and easy-like-Sunday-morning writing style.  Her simple life makes me want to unplug and throw away my laptop.  Which would be too bad as I wouldn’t be able to read her blog.

It Happens Every Day.  Gilly and Patrick, a trying-to-conceive couple, are adorable — even in their newly grown beards.  I love their quirky coupledom banter.  They might be the most off-topic blog I’ve ever read but I like them all the more for that.

The Middlest Sister.  I’ve only recently started following this blog but I already know she’s going places.  Her super cool and labor-intensive (!) artwork makes me feel like an 8-year-old fry cook still living in my parents’ basement.

Publikworks.  Lisa is a former advertising producer and copywriter and writes perfectly succinct Seinfeldisms of daily life — short, sweet and easily digestible, in the way of a true copywriter.  I knew when she wrote on The Muppet Show (with a provided clip of Beaker) that she was my kind of people.

The nomination also requests I share seven random facts about me.  That’s all I do around here anyway.  So, lucky you, here are some more. 

  • I have a weak ability to abbreviate myself.  I consider this to be one of my greatest downfalls as a writer.  I love reading blogs that feature bite-sized posts that don’t require any page scrolling and still have it all and a bag of Doritos chips.  This post was intended to be less than 400 words in length. 
  • I have a weak ability to filter myself.  I consider this to be one of my greatest attributes as a writer.  Ten minutes after you first meet me, you might ask, say, Do you have kids?  To this, I might respond 1.) that my hair still reeks of vomit from my two-year-old’s bout of stomach flu last night, 2.) that I still breastfeed him twice a day though yes I do plan to wean him before he turns 16, and 3.) while we’re still on the subject of my son, it was a mistake to vaginally-deliver all nine pounds of him only five hours after eating Mexican food. 
  • I’m a human dichotomy.  I worked as assistant campaign manager, deputy chief of staff and speechwriter to my state’s ultra-Republican, Tea-Party-endorsed-for-U.S.-Senate current Attorney General.  I voted for Bush in 2000.  But I’m so liberal I make Jane Fonda seem like Sarah Palin.  I also rarely leave the house without my lipstick perfectly applied and every hair in place.  Yet I’ll gladly help you sell grilled cheese sandwiches from your Volkswagon van at a Phish concert.  And I’ll stop shaving my pits and fit right in. 
  • In college I lived in Alaska and sold $4,000 totem poles.  They were supposed to be “hand carved” by Native Americans, but I later learned they were made by a machine by a man who was only one-eighth Inuit.  I had to sign a confidentiality contract before I began work there.  Well, it was nice knowing you — I’m off to the big house now.
  • I’m a runt.  You could carry me around in your pocket.  I’m 5’2” in shoes and barely weigh a buck, even when wearing a handmade double-weave Scottish lambswool sweater.  I’m pushing 40, yet my Gravatar picture could’ve been taken last year. 
  • I can flip someone the bird using my toes.  I can assure you I only use this power for good (party tricks) and not evil (road rage).
  • I not only remember 10,000 inane details about my own life, I remember 10,000 inane details about everyone else’s.  Frequently I’m summoned by friends to help recall specific details of incidents where I was not even present.  You ask:  Who was that guy who just said “hi” to me?  I answer:  His name is Brent.  You took real estate classes with him in 1999.  He met you for lunch eight years ago at a Denny’s.  He spilled coffee on your hashbrowns.  



17 Comments leave one →
  1. Kana Tyler permalink
    November 20, 2011 6:20 pm

    Wow, that last one sounds like my sister–I can randomly give her any date from the past 25 years, and she can actually tell me (without reference to notes or any other materials) what she was doing on that date. “April 26 of ’98? Let’s see, I’d just finished my history project on illegitimate Tudors, and my roommate went shopping for new underwear…” (Okay, I’m making up that example, but when posed the random-date question, SHE wouldn’t be. The one time I challenged her recital, she marched straight to her shelf of journals and pulled out proof. No wonder she’s an ace lawyer, right?) :)

    • November 21, 2011 9:04 pm

      Your sister’s memory blows mine out of the water! I have no ability to recall dates like that. That is beyond impressive. An ace lawyer — I’d think she’d be an ace anything with that kind of skill.

      For me, it’s more like, “Tell me again, Angie, what I did after I drank the third whiskey shot on my 21st birthday?” Never mind that I didn’t meet the person until they were 35. I just remember the story they once told me better than they now do. Sometimes I have to dial it back a bit so I don’t appear like a stalker who has their hair clippings in a locket.

  2. November 20, 2011 7:04 pm

    Shee-ot, that was a good blog about versatility. And just a good blog. And just good. Good.
    Can’t wait to check out the other blogs!
    Thanks for the shout out. I am proud to be in a circle of good writers who happen to blog.

    • November 21, 2011 8:52 pm

      Yes, I’d have to say I’m about the most versatile person I know when it comes to being good.

  3. November 20, 2011 8:29 pm

    Another hilarious post. Angie. I, too, can flip someone off with my toe — as long as it’s the second toe and not the third. Or does the thumb count and the bird finger is the fourth? Then I can’t, never mind. Would you teach me?

    And thanks for the plug, wow — I don’t deserve to be in such lofty company. I feel like a party crasher.

    • November 21, 2011 8:50 pm

      It helps if you start with toes like a monkey. If you look at your bare feet and think, “there’s no way I can swing from a vine with these things,” then I’m sorry to tell you that you won’t be able to participate in this trick.

  4. Patrick permalink
    November 20, 2011 8:41 pm

    Another great post and a shout out for our blog? Somebody pinch me!

    And just wait until you see the next No Shave November update – my beard is getting positively Rasputin-like. ;)

    • November 21, 2011 8:48 pm

      Rasputin-like already? I’m on my way over to see for myself. [Nightmares be gone!]

  5. November 21, 2011 6:11 am

    Yet again, a great post, Angie.

    I laughed: Mexican food and childbirth! that is solid comedy gold!
    I cried: I was also referred to as ‘ski slope nose’ in school!
    I got hungry: Cheez Whiz!

    I am honored to be mentioned on your blog. Your descriptions of the other blogs were fabulous. And I am a hugger. Too bad my nine year old son doesn’t let me come anywhere near him when I threaten a hug. You’d think I was offering to pull his teeth out.

    And where is your caption for this week’s contest? Hmm? I had a hard time coming up with anything this time around, I think I’ve lost my touch.

    • November 21, 2011 8:46 pm

      I was just being a teaser-baneezer about the hugging. But, oh my gosh, I was right! I pretend to be a hugger but people can see right through it. Maybe it’s the way I lean backwards as I’m leaving someone’s house?

      Yes, I’m considering homeschooling my children through their middle school years. I don’t know, I’ll have to resurvey their noses at that time before I make my decision.

    • November 22, 2011 8:25 pm

      Okay, Darla. I just went and submitted some captions. I skipped the last one because I definitely lost my edge. I loved your oregano/marajuana one, by the way! I can’t remember if that’s the one that was a finalist or not. But whatever it was, I voted for it every day! Skittles must’ve been holding back on us (can monkeys vote?) as you should’ve won!

  6. November 21, 2011 6:39 am

    I will totally be your bbff (blog blest flriend florever). Thanks for the accolades. It means a lot that someone I think should be writing best-selling essay collections ala David Sedaris thinks that I should be writing for some of the funniest fake news outlets. I’m troubled you didn’t mention the Today show because that is my favorite fake news outlet of all time, but I will overlook it since we are bbff.

    • November 21, 2011 8:38 pm

      That’s great because I’ve had BBFF necklaces made for us. They fit together like puzzle piece sections of Donald Trump’s comb-over.

      The Today Show is indeed the best fake news outlet. And I also forgot about the John Tesh Show.

  7. November 22, 2011 11:19 am

    oh wow, I laughed out loud at least three times while reading this post. The Mexican food birth… the totem poles… your comment to Maineiac about leaning backwards when walking out of someone’s house. So funny.

    Thank you so much for the mention, Angie – I adore your blog and your humorous approach to life!

    • November 22, 2011 3:05 pm

      Thanks, as always, for stopping by! I wish I had some fresh baked cookies to offer you while you’re in the neighborhood…instead I’ll just go over to your place and nosh on those Broken Glass Jello blocks you whipped up last week. Hope you still have some leftovers.

  8. November 22, 2011 10:03 pm

    Are you sure it’s not too late to forward that chain letter and ensure the rest of your life is full of good luck?

    By the way, don’t send me the chain letter.

    • November 23, 2011 4:35 pm

      Yes, I’ve thought about that before.

      Please confirm:
      Mr. Good Greatsby
      2 Legit 2 Quit Lane
      Greatsbytown, NJ OU812

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