Gone But Not Forgotten
See? I’m saving photos for them, just in case. Be assured, the Angie Archives is in tip-top order.
This reminds me of something. Of a few things I am missing. Um, excuse me? Yes, those things belong to me. I worked hard to make/complete/collect them. And they are no where to be found. What do you have to say for yourself, Marcia?
That’s why I’m now counting down the Top Ten Most Important Things That Probably Once Existed But Were Not Discovered In The Marcia Archives.
When you read countdown lists, isn’t it funny how you just automatically start air-guitaring to that Europe song The Final Countdown? Oh, okay, I don’t either.
10.) More phenomenal drawings I made of people in colonial garb. Special bonus: drawings of people in colonial garb who earned me another poster contest win. The Holy Grail: a drawing of George Washington resembling the one that got Marcia Brady into that pickle with her principal and nearly cancelled her slumber party.
9.) Photos of me wearing Wonder Woman Underoos like a costume. Whether battling the forces of evil on my swingset or just sitting around the house playing legos, I know it happened. If it happened, there must be photos.
8.) Photos of my brother’s neighbor friend Jesse. He was a fixture in my childhood. I swear he didn’t just live in my mind. He was real — I even found him on Facebook. But according to our family’s photo album, he never existed.
7.) Drawings of the logo I designed in 6th grade with my friend Kelley. It was to be used to promote our future business, S & L Pet Supplies. The S was a cat’s tail, and a bird was perched on the L. There might have been a Beagle in there somewhere. It was marketing genius! Without it, we never achieved our dream of designing and selling hamster towns.
6.) My 1st grade class assigned drawing of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I drew a waitress. A waitress wearing a French maid uniform. Much like an actual waitress in a French maid uniform, the drawing was beautiful, yet tragic. And I was holding a tray of peanut butter sandwiches that looked sublime.
5.) Evidence of my Italian lineage. And evidence that I’m from a mob family placed in the witness relocation program. Why else would our names be Tony, Angela and Marcia (Mar-SEE-uh)? And where is the paperwork showing our real last name is Garcia and my dad Larry was once Alessandro?
4.) Photos of my pet hamster Cleo, my parakeet Sylvester, my cockatiel Lucy and my chameleons Willy and Wilhelmina. They were fixtures in my childhood. I swear they didn’t just live in my mind. They were real — I even found them on Facebook. But according to our family’s photo album, they never existed.
3.) Photos of me and the neighborhood kids playing on the Black Banana. I’m smelling yet another Electric Car Conspiracy cooking here. (Combined with a whiff of sunbaked plastic.) Because if you knew you could make a backyard water slide yourself, using gardening tarp and other simple items you’d find in a Home Depot, what would that do to the billion-dollar Wet Banana industry? Exactly.
2.) My beloved “Sweet Cheeks” puppy dog shirt. Yes, it was the source of pain when my brother cruelly informed me that Sweet Cheeks didn’t mean the cheeks on your face. But I proudly picked out the iron-on myself in Richman Gordman’s iron-on department — back when iron-on departments were as prevalent in stores as today’s cart sanitation wipes. Like the Dukes of Hazzard General Lee shirts, Sweet Cheeks is classic vintage iron-on. Albeit porn.
1.) My old sticker book. When I asked the woman at the Barnes & Noble bookstore last month if they carried sticker books, “You know, the kind with the slick cardboard pages, like they had back in the day, and you can place stickers on them and then take ‘em right off . . .” she looked at me like I was coming off of a 48-hour meth binge. Then when I further informed her, “. . . there were pages separated by categories like Puffy, Sparkly and Scratch-and-Sniff. . . even built-in folders to store the extra sticker sheets. . . !” she fidgeted nervously like she might call security.