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A Dear John Letter . . .

December 4, 2011

Dear John,

It’s with great difficulty that I write this.  I’ve decided to call it quits. 

Let me start off by saying, it’s not you — it’s me.  Alright, who are we kidding here — it’s you.

Things have been different for some time now.  We’ve grown older.  We’ve grown apart.  You’re no longer the tortured saxophone player I fell in love with. 

You can’t pull off your trench coats anymore — not in a fashion sense, not without airport security detaining you.  And Hot Tub Time Machine should’ve went straight to DVD. 

I know Being John Malkovich didn’t earn you the attention you deserved.  I know it was great.  I know you were brilliant.  But let’s face it.  Big Momma’s House broke box office records in its opening weekend.  That’s just the sad world we live in. 

You became withdrawn, spiteful after that.  And you took it out on me.  And you took it out on America.  There was no excuse for your behavior.  There was no excuse for Martian Child.

***

Look, when we met, I was young.  I got swept away by your boy-next-door charm.  But I didn’t know who I was back then.  I was still a kid finding my way.  And I looked to you to define me. 

You taught me street smarts, how to ride the rails, how to cook beans over an open fire.  And you gave Wolfie a father figure.  For that, I will always be grateful.

It isn’t easy for me to say goodbye to all we had.  You know how much I love your family.  They took me in like one of their own.  I don’t know what we would’ve done if they hadn’t let us live in their basement, surviving on gift-wrapped TV dinners. 

Those were tough times.  You out of work.  You not wanting to compromise yourself by selling anything bought or processed, buying anything sold or processed, or processing anything sold, bought . . . or processed.   You were still trying to pay off your debt to the paperboy and your kickboxing thing failed to prove lucrative. 

I must admit, those were special times, too.  The four of us, all together.

But things changed.  You changed.  Jeremy Piven even said so.

***

My friends say you don’t really love me.  Not like I want you to anyway.  They say I’m just projecting my love onto you.  That I pretend it’s enough.  That I pretend it’s real.  That the authenticity of these photos cannot be validated. 

I can’t believe any of that.  And I can’t believe you made Must Love Dogs. 

We’ll always have that song.  You know?  That one.  Our song.  Even if it’s no longer available on cassette tape.  Even though your boombox wasn’t designed for CDs.  Even if its lively African drumbeat ending earned it a place on the Top Five Most Awkward Dance Songs Ever

Please be true to yourself.  Remember who you are and where you came from.  I know somewhere, buried deep inside, you’re still the boy I love — the one who stuck Q-tips in his nose to amuse me, the one who took second billing to Anthony Michael Hall.

Despite that I must leave you behind, know that I will love you forever.  And by “you”, I mean Lloyd Dobler.

And by “forever,” I mean . . . until you star in Con Air II. 

Sincerely yours,

Angie

44 Comments leave one →
  1. December 5, 2011 8:35 am

    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And hysterical. Oh, and very very sad. My favorite mix of emotions. I am still laughing at those pictures…whoooo boy, that was funny, Angie.

    Maybe one day, it will be SERENDIPITY and you’ll run into John and love will begin anew??

    My husband also longs for Con Air II…

    • December 6, 2011 9:41 am

      Thanks, Darla!

      I googled Con Air II just to make sure it didn’t already exist without my knowing. I came upon possibly thousands of Con Air fans in chat rooms discussing their plans to aggressively lobby for the sequel to be made. Might want to tell your husband so he can jump aboard that crazy train ;)

      P.S. Trivia: Serendipity is one of three movies where John talks about the constellations with his love interest. What is up with that? And the trench coats in every movie?

      • susan permalink
        February 8, 2012 11:29 pm

        And why is there always a scene where he’s heartbroken in the rain?!

        Ran across your blog by accident. This is brilliant! And so true! You are hilarious!!!

  2. December 5, 2011 9:17 am

    I think your real friends are in the blog world, because I believe this relationship to be completely authentic. To quote the country song I listened to last night, “stand by your man”! Unless there is a Must Love Dogs 2. Because I love dogs, and that was not a good film.

    • December 6, 2011 9:44 am

      You are so kind to show your support! You are a true friend! I’ve heard Must Love Dogs 2 is in the works as we speak. It will be called, Must Love Dogs And My Father Who Lives In My Basement. Keep your eyes out — it should be here by Christmas 2012.

  3. December 5, 2011 3:57 pm

    Let’s not forget his infidelity in Bullets Over Broadway. You can’t put up with that sh#$.

    “Don’t Speak! Don’t Speak!”

    • December 6, 2011 9:47 am

      You are going to lose all respect for me, not to mention doubt my lifelong John Cusack/Woody Allen adoration. I have never seen that! But you’ve prompted me now to check it out. I don’t know if I can handle the infidelity factor but I’m not opposed to John’s need for an open relationship.

      • susan permalink
        February 8, 2012 11:41 pm

        Ok so I’m going to keep replying to your replies….

        I love, love, LOVE Bullets Over Broadway!! Did you check it out yet? It may be the key to saving your romance…

  4. December 5, 2011 5:12 pm

    This is beyond impressive. It’s like you skied down the K-12 on one ski or something. Truly genius. I am in awe of your photoshop skillz (they are so good that the “s” changes to a “z”)

    • December 6, 2011 9:53 am

      If you mean “genius” in a Newty Gingerooty sort of way (I just invented that nickname on the spot…genius huh), I’m not so sure you’re not just blowing smoke here. But if you mean it in a “delusional person who deserves props for creating a life based on a lie” sort of way, I accept.

      If these pictures were in fact photoshopped (of course, they weren’t), I would have to confess that I use the talents of my artist brother for this kind of stuff.

  5. December 5, 2011 7:35 pm

    How can you leave him like that, Angie? Obviously he’s lost his way if he’s doing tjings like Must Love Dogs — he needs you to pull him back from the brink!

    • December 6, 2011 9:55 am

      I admit it’s not a good time to leave him. But I don’t know what kind of Must Love Dogs sequel might be in the future. I can’t take that risk with my heart once again.

  6. December 5, 2011 8:12 pm

    How can you? Where will he go from here? Poor John. Poor John.

    • December 6, 2011 9:57 am

      I’ll tell you where. He’ll probably go straight to The Ice Harvest II. That’s precisely the kind of work he does to deal with his grief.

  7. December 5, 2011 10:13 pm

    I want my $2

    • December 6, 2011 9:58 am

      I think you know good and well that it’s a whole lot more than $2 now, after you tacked on twenty years of interest and late fees. Can’t you just leave us alone, paperboy?

  8. December 5, 2011 10:55 pm

    Yes, agreeing with S7 about the Photoshop. Graphic artist? Thought so. Hot Tub TIme Machine–I’m sorry, but one of the best movies of all time since before there were movies but just hand puppets. And you seriously look like you want to eat his nose. Are you going to eat his nose? Please update.
    Excellent post!
    Les

    • December 6, 2011 10:10 am

      Les, you completely misunderstood me regarding HTTM. (I used this acronym in the tat I just got. Naturally, I have tattoos of all his best movies.) I’ll forgive you since the hand puppet thing is hilarious.

      HTTM was fantastic. I laughed until I peed in my parachute pants. I listened to the Crue’s Home Sweet Home for weeks after I saw the movie. But it was still a piece of crap and should not have made it to the big screen.

      As I told Speaker7, if these photos were in fact fabricated, I would have to tell you that my graphic designer brother did them for me. I was an art major for two years in college. I switched majors after one fateful night where I stayed up until 3 AM, mixing paint while half-drunk after coming home from a party. I figured there had to be a better life than that. One where I could more easily throw assignments together at the last minute. All this is irrelevant though since these photos are actually real.

      Longest reply comment ever.

  9. December 5, 2011 11:15 pm

    Funny, but I LOVED Journey of Natty Gann and only now realized that was “John”!!

    • December 6, 2011 9:37 am

      Elayne, I taped that movie off of TV (commercials and all) in 6th grade and I watched it until the tape dissolved into dust.

  10. February 8, 2012 12:14 pm

    YES to …. And Hot Tub Time Machine should’ve went straight to DVD.
    I wanted to like that movie – I wanted it to be like Ferris Bueller’s Day off, where John talks to the camera addressing his 80s-self. So way bummed it was not that… so way bummed.
    Grosse Point Blank is on my list of favorite movies.
    *sigh* This is so very funny. Again, I’m late to all of this – but glad I found it, nonetheless.

    • February 8, 2012 9:19 pm

      I think I would’ve liked GPB more but I couldn’t really connect with Minnie Driver. I know so many who love it though, so I probably need to give it another go-around. I love Say Anything, too, but I find it painful to sit through all his awkward moments (i.e. “anything sold, bought or processed”). Poor Lloyd.

      • February 9, 2012 3:25 pm

        I cannot hear Lloyd’s name without thinking of the rap song those guys do, when he walks by. And of course, their answer to why they are on the street at night. “By choice.” Priceless.

      • February 9, 2012 10:37 pm

        I love that part! And then I love when he gets back into the car and says into the recorder, “That was a mistake.”

  11. June 6, 2012 9:11 am

    “One Crazy Summer” absolute cult classic. Who could forget the cute and fuzzy bunnies.

    • June 7, 2012 7:44 pm

      My husband is quite keen on that movie. I never took to Demi Moore’s role — but it is indeed a summer classic!

  12. June 13, 2012 9:20 am

    Sigh…happy memories! Yes, Say Anything goes down as one of my faves of all time!!. And Must Love Dogs, Serendipity, and High Fidelity. As for HTTM….I was embarrassed I sat in a public theater and saw it. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. And John….for the next movie, remember who we young women were then? Focus on that when you make your next movie. We’re still that young girl in our heart.

  13. June 13, 2012 4:42 pm

    You are witty and truly creative. Thank you for making me laugh. After the day I’ve had, I needed to. And it’s John’s loss….sad but you have to do what you know is right for you. Good bye John. And I didn’t really feel a bond to Minnie Driver either and yet I enjoyed Gross Point immensely…give it another go around.
    Regardless, please keep writing so that I can keep laughing.

    • June 14, 2012 9:02 pm

      Thank you — what a nice comment to receive! It would make my husband’s day if I gave Gross Point Blank another chance.

  14. June 26, 2012 3:44 pm

    Brilliant… Crying… So unbelievably brilliant… I’m at a loss for words… Still howling with my eyes clamped shut in hysterics…

    • June 30, 2012 6:54 pm

      Thank you — I’m hoping one day the letter will actually get to his mailbox and we can finally end this tumultuous love affair once and for all.

  15. August 24, 2012 2:46 am

    This was too funny. You had me cracking up! I LOVE John Cusack. LOVE HIM. So I truly appreciated this post and your other Cusack entry. But everyone makes mistakes, so I forgive him all the time. Great post!

    • August 24, 2012 3:16 pm

      He is the BEST! Yes, of course — I forgive him for everything, including America’s Sweethearts. Thanks for reading!

  16. September 14, 2012 10:38 am

    I know I am a million years late to this party, but holy wow, Ang! This is like . . . it’s like you are singing the soundtrack to Say Anything that is going through my head on a constant loop, but instead of In Your Eyes, it’s Where’d You Go, Lloyd Dobler? I love 80’s John Cusack. But recently, he has gotten puffy and old and don’t even get me started on that Hot Tub debacle.

    I think I just fell in love with you. I know it’s sudden. Don’t be afraid. I’ll be gentle.

    • September 14, 2012 8:08 pm

      You are not late to the party, Misty. Believe me — it’s a party that will never end. Indeed, the “I love John Cusack”/”I used to love John Cusack” party is just starting.

      There will be more John Cusack posts to come. Oh yes there will be.

      Did you read my post immediately after this one? It was a trainwreck. Basically, a friend of my husband who went to high school with John’s sister Joan told me he was emailing my blog post to her to send on to John. (Are you keeping up there?) I started having heart palpitations and then imagining John calling me up on the phone. Which I then blogged about to alleviate my stress. Needless to say, my worries were unfounded. The phone never rang.

  17. January 6, 2013 10:47 pm

    Well if you don’t want him, I’ll take him ;)

    • January 10, 2013 3:35 pm

      Ha! :) If I can get my hands on a flux capacitor, I will take him circa 1987. But I’ll be sure to fork him come time for his America’s Sweethearts era.

  18. March 15, 2013 9:03 am

    I don’t know what I can possibly say that hasn’t been said by all the fine folk before me, but you are a funny funny lady. Totally love the John Cusack pieces (love everything, really). Grainy vintage family photos, old-school toys, sibling rivalry, Humpty Dumpty Mag…, ‘er I mean Digest–good stuff. (Recently learned that Andrew McCarthy is a food/travel writer now–am in the food biz, so this is important to me–and my mind went to exactly the same place yours did: Could I get this guy to read my blog if I wrote about him? teehee) Clicked on the Pepper button, so look forward to more fun. Carry on fellow child-of-the-’80s.

    • March 24, 2013 8:39 pm

      Aw, thanks, Liz. This comment made my week! Fingers crossed that Andrew is reading my blog right now if he’s not reading your blog. Ahem. Andrew, check out Liz’s blog! Please? We’ll forgive you for that philandering goon you played in the Joy Luck Club if you just make a quick pop-over to check it out.

      • March 24, 2013 9:46 pm

        OR if John Cusack does indeed read your blog he could pass the word on to Andrew as I’m sure they at least Tweet each other. Appreciate you helping me out here

        I have not seen Joy Luck Club and did not know AM was in it. 0-: Who’s unhip now? ;-) You rock, Angie, you simply rock.

      • March 25, 2013 6:27 pm

        He plays a loser husband (who sort of redeems himself) but the movie itself is worth the watch :)

  19. May 8, 2013 1:55 pm

    No one of any gender denomonation or persuasion wants to go through Con Air II.

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