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Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

December 7, 2011

So I happen to be an excellent jumper.  I’m not kidding.  Amazing!  Ask my husband.  I can take these great big World-Record-setting leaps to reach completely unlikely conclusions on the other side of the globe that are also often in the way distant future if they were to ever occur anyway which is never.   

After publishing my last post, my Dear John letter to a dear John, my husband’s work buddy David dropped my husband a note.  David lives in Chicago (and is also a loyal blog reader and therefore a Pepper – wassup, David!) and wrote that it just so happens he was in the same class in school with John Cusack’s sister Joan.  

Would I like him to try to get my Dear John blog post in front of John?

***

  • Within two seconds of reading those words, I swore I was having heart palpitations. 
  • Within twenty seconds I had imagined John sitting in his house, checking his email and receiving a link to my blog post (RE:  Get a load of this blog).
  • Within two minutes I had imagined John already read it and was picking up the phone to call me. 
  • Within fifteen minutes I had decided that when the Made-For-TV movie of my life is made – and yes it will be made, starring Soleil Moon Frye in all eras of my life beginning at age 4 – I will have to remember everything of how this phone conversation with John played out. 

I will have to write the script.  I will have to start now.  And with that I immediately began the following imaginary conversation exactly as I anticipate it to occur.

[Ring . . . Ring . . . Ring]

Me:  Yo.  [Just for dramatization purposes, pretend I answered with “Yo.”]

John:  Yes, I’d like to speak with Angie Zuh Zuh Zamahzaaaa. . . is she around?

Me:  Yeah, I’m Angie, and I don’t think we want to sign up for that this year.

John:  Hey, Angie.  I’m John Cusack.  Guess what, I just happened upon a break-up letter you wrote to me on your blog.  Ouch!

Me:  Huhhhhh . . . meeeh . . . waaah?  Huhmehwah?

John:  Hello?

Me:  Peanut Butter.  I have a dog named Peanut Butter.  Yes.  And two cats.  Minnie Moo and Matilda Mae.  [When my daughter was younger, she’d fill in any uncomfortable conversation pause by naming off her pets.  It worked well for her.  And now it just feels right here.]

John:  Who?

Me:  Peanut Butter.  I mean . . . I’m eating my lunch.

John:  Is this a bad time?

Me:  Oh, no!  No, no, no!  Noooooooooooo.

John:  So what did you have against my movie Martian Child?

Me:  Oh, no!  No, no, no!  Nooooooooooooo.

John:  What do you have against autistic kids?

Me:  No, I never even saw that I mean I heard it was not as good as some of your other really fine movies and I mean no I’d never say I don’t like no oh God no I mean some of my best friends are autistic kids.

John:  What?

Me:  Matilda Mae.  Minnie Moo.  Peanut Butter.

John:  Well, what movies of mine do you like?

Me:  Oh, that’s hard for me to say I could never The Sure Thing.  No question.  The Sure Thing.  Hands-down.  No contest.  I ate fried pork rinds for a month after I saw that just to feel close to you I mean because they contain the recommended daily allowance of riboflavin.  You know, like you said in the movie?  I mean, like Gib said?

John:  Who? 

Me:  And then after that would probably be Better Off Dead and then Say Anything.  Oh, man, every woman in America probably says Say Anything.  I’m so completely basic and generic I can’t believe I just said Say Anything when I could’ve said anything.  Oh, isn’t that funny that I sort of just then quoted the you see what I did there?  And then probably Being John Malkovich followed by Serendipity and then High Fidelity but you were such a jerk in that one so I don’t . . .

[In Your Eyes ringtone breaks in.]

Me:  Waaaaaaassss that?  What that on was phone song?  I love that song.

John:  Oh, well that’s my agent trying to get a hold of me.  I better take it.  I just wanted to say that your writing wasn’t bad.  Not bad at all.  Keep up the good work.  Keep writing, write every day, and then start submitting your work to colleges.  I’m sure your school guidance counselor can help you with that.

Me:  Oh, no.  Noooooooo.  Oh, you thought no I’m not in high schoooo would you perform at my prom?

John:  I’m sorry?

Me:  My prom?  Would you play at it?  You know, like how when celebrities stop in and perform at their fans’ proms like Bon Jovi or something and I think he did that once or maybe it was Kiss oh that’s so stupid because you probably don’t even play an instrument oh except for the saxophone I don’t even know what I’m even talking about how stupid I sound. 

John:  Oh, do you like Kiss?

Me:  Who?  Well it’s just stupid because I’m not even in I don’t even have a prom.  Well I mean I did and it was really lame and there was this big staircase thing and the theme was Stairway to Heaven and we had this cardboard staircase thing we built in our gym that you couldn’t actually climb but it looked like you could and a couple of people tried to and . . .

John:  Yeah, well I have to get back to my agent now, but it was really nice talking with you, Amy!  Keep on plugging away with your blog, keep studying and maybe you can someday be a famous writer.  And I hope you have fun at your prom! 

Me:  Thank you oh God thank you soooo soooo much for calling and I’m not really going to my prom because it was really lame with the staircase thing . . . 

[Click.]

Me:  I love you.  Can’t we just try to work this out?

[End scene.]

***

People who like this blog post might also like the time I wrote about my actual meeting with my other imaginary boyfriends, the Nelson twins (here)

That teen idol encounter didn’t go quite as well.

37 Comments leave one →
  1. David kreiman permalink
    December 7, 2011 7:11 pm

    Now I hope even more that somehow your blog gets to him. Hilarious stuff!

    • December 8, 2011 6:01 am

      Thanks, David! I like the way you see the opportunity to make a random person’s dreams come true and you go for it even if it’s completely insane. You’re alright by me.

  2. December 7, 2011 9:35 pm

    Could you tell him about my Christmas List with Ed Burns on it? Huh? Would you, would you? Huh? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?

    • December 8, 2011 6:00 am

      Of course. If my fantasy comes true and John calls me and proposes marriage and I can have two husbands and he’s okay that I have two kids and that only one of them is potty-trained, then yes, I’ll do whatever I can to help you along with your own fantasty. Anything for you, Lisa.

  3. December 8, 2011 12:10 am

    Nice dialog. I was believing it! Funny, when I lived in LA I used to play with the keyboard player in the Nelsons (we did a musical in West LA).
    Funny, I’ve never dropped their names before.
    But seriously, did John call you?
    Les

    • December 8, 2011 5:58 am

      Have you met them? Did they mention me? I mean, did they ever bring up my name? I’m sure they do every now and then. I only spent about an hour with them but I’m sure they still think about me often.

  4. December 8, 2011 6:34 am

    I hope and pray he does call you up because then I can live vicariously through your horribly embarassing conversation. Or, if you’d prefer, have him call me instead. I can out-awkward you for sure! I probably wouldn’t even form actual words…just a lot of grunting and yelling out random movie titles. Serendipity!

    • December 8, 2011 4:02 pm

      Maybe if we could both talk on the phone to him at once, our extreme awkwardness would cancel out and we’d form a completely normal human being.

  5. December 8, 2011 7:31 am

    I’m in the emergency room right now because my butt fell off from laughing so hard. Thanks! And sorry for that first sentence. It was like a bad pick-up line meets blog praise. Not good.

    • December 8, 2011 4:05 pm

      Thanks, Gilly! You can buy me a drink anytime with that line.

  6. December 8, 2011 7:40 am

    That was my prom theme, too! I think they must have ordered it from the same catalog because it sounds exactly the same. I hope John Cusack goes to our prom!

    • December 8, 2011 4:10 pm

      No way! I want to see you create an upcoming post on your blog depicting you at your prom with that staircase in the background. Then please also create a cut-out of me and John to stand in there. Would a saxophone be hard for you to cut out, too? Oh dear, I’m asking too much now, aren’t I?

      Stairway to Heaven. What the hell, did we go to high school in 1972 or something?

  7. December 8, 2011 8:18 am

    Hilarious. He would think you were a high school kid, huh. But do they even know who he is these days? Maybe that’s why he’d call- to prove he has a new fan base. So, the conversation would be great. You don’t want to sound mature, confident, and together anyway. The Nelson twins! Ha. Totally forgot about them.

    • December 8, 2011 4:13 pm

      I’ve been soooo over the Nelson twins for about 100 years. But when I had to pick them up at their hotel and drive them around town, I totally regressed back to 8th grade awkwardness (zits and all). It was like returning to hell.

  8. December 8, 2011 6:17 pm

    I don’t know what I love more…the random insertion of your pets’ names to cover up awkward pauses, that you got that idea from your daughter, that some of your best friends are autistic kids, that some of your classmates constructed a cardboard stairway for prom, that you dreamed up this entire imaginary hilarious conversation …so yeah, I’m at a loss to pick a favorite because there’s just too many good things in this post. If I was John Cusack’s agent I would demand you write the sequel to Martian Child 2: Electric Boogaloo.

    • December 8, 2011 8:23 pm

      What a super-duper nice comment! It made my whole day. Now I have to warn you, if John Cusack were to call me later tonight, I would have to bump your comment out of the running in the “made my whole day” department. But if I happened to tell him about my pets during an awkward silence, you might be back in the race.

      And the fact that you made reference to Electric Boogaloo (my favorite sequel of all the breakdancing movie sequels I’ve ever seen) is simply the icing on the Cherry Pop-tart.

  9. December 8, 2011 8:32 pm

    I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. If you choose to accept it, please check out the rules on my blog.

    You are so funny.

  10. December 9, 2011 12:31 pm

    I thought Grosse Point Blank was in your top 3?

    • December 9, 2011 2:30 pm

      Actually Mark is the one who likes that one. He even bought the soundtrack when it came out! I’m too squeamish with violence to be able to comfortably sit through movies like that. While I used to count Pulp Fiction among my top favorite movies, truth be known, I watched most of it with my hands over my face.

  11. December 10, 2011 1:35 pm

    Too funny! I used to worked with and was friends with one of the guys that wrote Grosse Point Blank. I hear he’s a pretty cool guy.

    • December 12, 2011 8:14 pm

      I knew it! I just knew he was a cool guy. The trench coats seemed to indicate that but I had no firm proof. Thanks for this information, Debra ;)

      PS Lucky you!

  12. January 19, 2012 9:26 pm

    As someone who wanted John Cusack for a boyfriend (as did every girl in America) this post had me laughing out loud. Thank you for having such a vivid imagination.

    • January 20, 2012 8:03 am

      I heard someone once say that John Cusack is to women of the 80s what Elvis was to women of the 60s :) He definitely seems to have that special staying power that has stuck with a lot of us. Thanks for reading!

  13. February 8, 2012 12:10 pm

    I am so late to this post, but Darla informed me you are a fan of JC. Hubba, hubba. I follow him on Twitter – I think he is going to ask me to marry him. Yes, I’m already married, but we’ll move to Utah or something. I’m sure we can make it work.
    This was hilarious, Angie!! Loved it!

    • February 8, 2012 9:15 pm

      Lenore, there’s no such thing as being late to the party when we’re talking about a party in John’s honor. I’m so glad Darla referred you on to the JC lovefest on my blog. Yes, I’ve been in love with him since the Disney movie The Journey of Natty Gann! I had it taped from TV, commercials and all, and used to watch it all the frickin’ time. My favorite John movie is, without a doubt, The Sure Thing. Maybe it’s because I saw it in high school and had a gazillion inside jokes with my friends related to it.

  14. frugalnature permalink
    July 27, 2012 2:18 pm

    I just stumbled upon this post and laughed out loud…in the middle of my office…loud… Best imaginary phone conversation ever. I think we all have a soft spot for Lloyd Dobler.

    • July 27, 2012 7:32 pm

      Aw. There is nothing that warms my heart more than when someone digs through my old posts and finds something worth reading. Thanks for that!

  15. August 23, 2012 7:40 pm

    John Cusack recently played a serial killer, in a movie. That’s where he lost me. Anyway, I tweeted him about your post. I don’t know if he has seen it before but anyway. I liked him in Grasse Point something.

    • August 24, 2012 3:23 pm

      My John? Hurt people? Never! I won’t believe it. Thanks for the tweet — okay, now I’m going to go have another imaginary phone conversation with him in case he calls me.

  16. January 2, 2013 4:24 am

    Oh Bless you, I’ve stumbled across this. As an 80s Australian who thinks John Cusack is gorgeous – my husband refers to him as my boyfriend e.g. ‘Are we going to watch your boyfriend tonight darling?’ I loved this post – now I’m heading off to read your Dear John letter.

  17. April 6, 2013 7:59 pm

    John Cusack is one of my in-my-head boyfriends. And he couldn’t help being a jerk in High FIdelity – he was just a Nick Hornby character, and all Nick Hornby characters learn to curb their jerkiness as the story evolves. It’s what makes his stories so good. If you don’t believe me, check out About a Boy (also a movie) or How to be Good.

    • April 7, 2013 7:49 pm

      High Fidelity is a great flick, despite John’s jerkiness. And though I’ve never read it, About a Boy happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies. I’ve watched it more times than I care to admit. I even took the DVD to watch in the labor room during the birth of my first kid. Hugh is pretty amazing in it but I’m sure John could’ve rocked that part too. Fever Pitch, another great Nick Hornby work.

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