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Sex Education, A Play

December 29, 2011

I stumbled upon this throwback Tampax ad the other day.  It reminded me of the inane questions I used to read in my old Seventeen magazines.  It reminded me of a play I would like to write one day.  I would perform it as a one-woman show.   In the mall.  In front of Claire’s Boutique.  During its buy-one-get-one Justin Bieber day.  And I’d title it . . .

“I Gave Birth to Tampax’s Love Child”:  The Case Against Funding Cuts to School-Based Sex Education Programs

Actually, as it turns out, I have this rough draft already prepared. 

_______________________ 

[1979 in a Midwestern suburb.  Angie has her friend over playing Barbies.]

Katie:  Now if Ken really looked like a boy in his underwear, this is what he’d do to Barbie.  I know because Cindy told me her sister saw her mom and dad do this once. 

Angie:  Really?

Katie:  Really.

Angie:  Do you think they should do it now? 

Katie:  Yes, I do.  Let’s just leave them here in Barbie’s car while we go downstairs and eat some Pop-Tarts.  We’ll give them some privacy.  And let’s put on your Sheena Easton record for them.

[Actor freezes while listening to Modern Girl and eating Pop-Tarts on the other side of her bedroom door.  Barbie’s scarf is tied to the doorknob.  Spotlight dims.]

***

[1979 in a Midwestern suburb.  Angie and her mom are watching a Very Special Episode of Dallas.]

Angie:  Mom, if Sue Ellen is having a baby, how did it get in her stomach? 

Marcia:  Whaaa.  Huh?  Yes.

Angie:  And is the baby really J.R.’s? 

Marcia [in Charlie Brown’s teacher’s voice] Wah-wah-wah-wah.  Wah-wah-wah-wah. Wah-wah. Wah-wah-wah.

Angie:  Really?

Marcia:  Really.

[Actor freezes while hands are pushed up against face simulating the Edvard Munch painting.  Spotlight dims.]

***

[1979 in a Midwestern suburb.  Angie has her friend over playing Barbies.]

Angie:  My mom told me how babies get in ladies’ stomachs.

Katie:  How? 

Angie:  She said someone gets inside the mommy by cutting her open with a knife.  Then they put a baby in her stomach.  Then they sew her back up.

Katie:  Really?

Angie:  Really.

[Actor freezes while pretending to make a scalpel incision on Barbie’s stomach.  Spotlight dims.]

***

[1982 in a Midwestern suburb.  Angie is watching Three’s Company.]

TV:  “Jack your hot buns are the best.  I just love your hot buns.”  [Mr. Furley, bug-eyed, gasps while standing outside the kitchen eavesdropping on Jack and Chrissy.  Audience laugh track breaks in.]

Angie:  I guess Jack has the best buns.  Mmmm, that sounds good.

[Actor freezes while clutching stomach to insinuate hunger.  Or to insinuate a scalpel incision on her stomach.  Or both.  Spotlight dims.]

***

[1984 in a Midwestern suburb.  Angie is watching the MTV Music Awards.  Madonna is performing her hit song Like A Virgin.]

Angie:  Huh?

[Actor freezes while biting on her metallic pink fingernails.  Spotlight dims.]

***

[1986 in a Midwestern suburb.  Angie has her friend over playing Super Mario Brothers on the Nintendo.]

Kelley:  Guess whose older sister got pregnant.

Angie:  Really?  

Kelley:  Really.  

Angie:  Did you see the scar on her stomach?

[Actor freezes while standing near the television, pretending to make a scalpel incision to Princess Toadstool’s stomach.  Spotlight fades to black.]

Epilogue:  Two months later, a teacher returns from maternity leave following a cesarean birth.  She complains to Angie’s class about the scar on her stomach, thus validating the 1979 sex talk.

The End 

34 Comments leave one →
  1. December 29, 2011 12:19 pm

    Why in the world does this remind me of Caryl Churchill’s “Top Girls”?! Please tell me you see it too and it’s not just my overworked – sleep deprived brain seeing stuff…

    • December 29, 2011 3:25 pm

      You are so far above me in terms of culture. This is apparent in that I had to google this theatrical reference as I had no idea what it was. I’m relieved to know this was neither a historical biography written by a relative of Winston Churchill or a porn.

      • December 29, 2011 4:40 pm

        ha ha – no – we just had an english lit teacher who was totally into women’s lib writers like Carson McCullers etc.

        What I was referring to b.t.w. was the two girls in the play reenacting stuff they heard from their mom/aunt in child play – it’s only a teensy part of the play ;)

        In any case I loved the porn reference – you crack me up ;)

      • December 29, 2011 8:00 pm

        Interesting! I’d youtube it but, alas, it’s a play!

  2. December 29, 2011 12:19 pm

    I hope this doesn’t sound weird, but I think I’d like to live in your imagination. Yep, that sounds weird.

    • December 29, 2011 3:29 pm

      Nope, not weird — but I don’t recommend you do so. Quite frankly, it would be hazardous to your health. For one, I watched a lot of Looney Tunes as a kid, so I often imagine cartoon animals getting hit with anvils.

  3. December 29, 2011 12:26 pm

    OK, I’m willing to spend good, cash money to see this play.

    • December 29, 2011 3:31 pm

      That’s great, Peg! Now I just need a couple corporate sponsors. I’m thinking I’ll first hit up Tampax. Then maybe Claire’s will put in for free piercings to all who attend.

  4. December 29, 2011 12:40 pm

    That sounds like a great screen-play. I would love to work on the costumes for that!

    • December 29, 2011 3:32 pm

      If you could perfectly replicate my old Sweet Cheeks iron-on tshirt, I would hire you in a second.

  5. December 29, 2011 1:48 pm

    This could also be a Sam Shephard play, but someone would have to die in it. Since I’ve never had the “talk”, I’m glad I read your blog.
    Les

    • December 29, 2011 3:34 pm

      Wait, I’m willing to kill someone off if you think it’d improve on the play? Maybe it’d help things build more to the dramatic conclusion. I never was too fond of Sue Ellen Ewing anyway. Maybe I can edit it so she contracts an STD from J.R.

  6. December 29, 2011 4:52 pm

    Oh my god….how do we get this play produced? Can I be in it? I will play any part. I will play the scalpel, the Barbie Doll, Mr. Furley..I don’t care, all I know is I need to be in this.

    Genius. I might love this play so much, I could possibly divorce my husband and marry it.

    • December 29, 2011 8:11 pm

      I was already planning to cast you as Sheena Easton. But then I remembered it’s supposed to be a one-woman show. But perhaps you could act as one of my planted audience members — you can sit in the food court eating nachos and clapping wildly at every scene change.

  7. December 29, 2011 5:42 pm

    Yep, that’s the way I heard it, too, from my four sisters! Way to bring it back around! Nicely written, Angie.

    • December 29, 2011 8:03 pm

      Did they use Barbies to demonstrate too? Damn those stupid Barbies. Thanks for stopping by, MJ!

  8. December 30, 2011 7:17 pm

    You are a one-woman show, Angie! You should start charging admission to your posts, they’re hysterical.

    • December 30, 2011 9:13 pm

      You are way, way, waaaaay too kind, Lisa. And how many times have you paid to read my posts — not once, you no good freeloader. :)

  9. December 31, 2011 11:50 am

    Reminds me of something the Annoyance Theater in Chicago might put on. Insanity, social issues and terror all in a few acts. Good work.

    • January 2, 2012 9:42 am

      Wow — when you put it that way, it feels pretty deep. Maybe the mall isn’t the right venue for this. Perhaps a coffee bar? A coffee bar in Super Target? Thanks for stopping by!

  10. January 1, 2012 11:57 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! The Princess Toadstool incision sent me over the edge. You are brilliant! …and little scary.

    • January 2, 2012 9:45 am

      At first I had written it as Zelda’s stomach . . . but then I remembered, I never did make it through that game to meet Zelda. (sigh)

  11. January 1, 2012 7:43 pm

    Angie, you are evil. Or your humor is. Someday you will need to explain how all of this really works. I hope, for your sake, that you are not trying to back out of a tight parking space in a garage filled with concrete pillars, as I was.

    I did not get this post — it did not come to me. I am feeling left out by Word Press who kept your words from my inbox.

    Hope you had a happy new year’s eve and that you will continue being a demon child throughout 2012.

    XX

    • January 2, 2012 9:48 am

      Whaaaat?! Thanks for telling me, Elyse. Darnitalltohell. Maybe WordPress will make it up to me via Freshly Pressed.

      Yes, 2012 promises many more stories of 1981-Angie behaving poorly.

      • January 2, 2012 9:51 am

        I just became a Pepper again. I don’t know why Word Press thought I preferred Coke…

        Probably hit that stupid Follow button above when my mouse wandered. I just thought you were busy doing other stuff.

      • January 2, 2012 9:54 am

        Thanks, Elyse. I have actually been slacking on the blog lately . . . just not THAT much. Thanks for renewing your Pepper vows :)

  12. January 1, 2012 9:48 pm

    I had a friend named Lucy who was so convinced that using a tampon would ruin her virginity. how silly we are sometimes…

    • January 2, 2012 9:50 am

      Eeeeek! Faulty reasoning running rampant. Another reason teenagers scare the crap out of me.

  13. January 2, 2012 6:41 pm

    Hey Angie,
    Because I’m sure you need some moral support, I just finished posting a piece where I nominated you for some awards. Can you even stand it — you will have to read it to see what it is! http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/01/02/the-envelope-please-part-ii/

    Happy New Year!

    • January 3, 2012 4:45 pm

      Thanks so much, Elyse — I’ll check it out. Happy New Year to you as well!

  14. January 16, 2012 1:25 pm

    Katie: Yes, I do. Let’s just leave them here in Barbie’s car while we go downstairs and eat some Pop-Tarts. We’ll give them some privacy. And let’s put on your Sheena Easton record for them.

    [Actor freezes while listening to Modern Girl and eating Pop-Tarts on the other side of her bedroom door. Barbie’s scarf is tied to the doorknob. Spotlight dims.]

    Hilarious! You have mad skils, my friend!

    • January 16, 2012 2:05 pm

      Thanks, bud. I can’t say I do it all on my own — I have some pretty crazy memories that make it all come together sometimes.

  15. January 19, 2012 7:38 am

    This. Is. So. Funny.I. Am. Almost. Speechless. Have.To.Type.One.Word.Sentences!

    • January 19, 2012 12:51 pm

      Thanks, Darla. I. Am. So. Glad. You. Read. This. I. Hope. You. Learned. A. Lot.

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