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My Exclusive Interview with 1979-Angie

January 26, 2012

Every so often when news breaks and something earth-shattering has occurred — something fascinating, something beautiful, something tragic — I wish I could step back in time for a moment and ask 1979-Angie what she thinks of it all.

Turns out I can.  (Relax — my therapist calls this “healthy.”)

2012-Angie:  1979-Angie, I hate to inform you of this but Hostess Brands has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy again.  It may not recover this time and we might soon see a day where Twinkies no longer exist.  What do you think about this?

1979-Angie:  Get outta town.

2012-Angie:  I’m serious.  People in 2012 many no longer get to enjoy the same pleasures you do of binging on Twinkies, Hohos, Ding Dongs or even, your favorite, Sno Balls.  I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself.

1979-Angie:  Oh well.  Doesn’t affect me back here in 1979.  So long, Hostess.

2012-Angie:  But what about everyone else?  They’ll have no Twinkies to eat.

1979-Angie:  Then let them eat Pop-Tarts.

2012-Angie:  That seems rather insensitive, don’t you think?

1979-Angie:  One time I ate a tube of cherry chapstick.  It tasted like Jell-O.  Then one time I ate a package of gelatin.  It tasted like cherry chapstick.  Then one time I ate chalk.  It tasted like chalk.

2012-Angie:  What do you think about today’s teen heartthrob Justin Bieber?  Does he hold a candle to your Shaun Cassidy?

1979-Angie:  I think his hair looks like a pteranodon did a fly-over and went doo-doo on his head.  I think I’ll call him Doo-doo-dee-dee-poo-poo-head-face.

2012-Angie:  What would you say if I told you that in 2012 the technology exists to allow people to carry phones in their pockets, see and talk with their loved ones through computers and play video games in their living rooms?

1979-Angie:  What are video games?

2012-Angie:  They’re sort of like, um . . . like pinball machines except they’re on a TV screen.

1979-Angie:  Then why don’t they just play pinball machines in their living rooms?

2012-Angie:  Yeah, well, there’s not a lot of pinball machines around in 2012.

1979-Angie:  No Twinkies, no pinball machines, teen idols who look like doo-doo heads . . . boy, I bet people in 2012 are throwing themselves out of windows right now.

2012-Angie:  Actually, right now we’re gearing up for the 2012 Presidential election.  At the moment, here are the major players in that election.

If you could vote, who would you choose to be President?

1979-Angie:  Hello?  I really can’t vote without more information than just their pictures.

2012-Angie:  Oh, yes.  Certainly.  I’m sorry.  What would you like to know about them?

1979-Angie:  Well their names for starters.  Geez you’re a giant dummyhead.

2012-Angie:  Mitt Romney, Barack Obama and Newt Gingrich.

1979-Angie:  Alright.  Let’s see.  La-la-la-dah-dah-dah-reindeer-la-la-la . . . definitely Newt Gingrich.

2012-Angie:  I don’t get what your reasoning is here.

1979-Angie:  I’m going at it from a lyrical angle.  Gingrich just fits in much, much better at end of the Rudolph song.  Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer you’ll go down in history — like the President Gingrich and me!  Wow, that sounds even better than President Carter did.

2012-Angie:  Of course.  I forgot about that whole bit.  So who would you vote for based on important things like leadership, character, who will best run the country?

1979-Angie:  Oh, well . . . if that’s what you’re looking for, then I’d have to propose my own candidates.

2012-Angie:  Go ahead.

1979-Angie:  I think I’d make it a run-off between Easy Reader, he knows how to read and I think that’s very important in a President, . . .

. . . and Richie Rich who definitely has the personal wealth and corporate backers to run an effective race.

You know, then I’d throw in Mayor McCheese just as a wild card.

Although, I wouldn’t count him out for being a wild card.  Unlike the others, Mayor McCheese has actual administrative experience running McDonaldland.  And he’s definitely a Washington outsider.  I know it sounds Pollyanna-like, but I dream of a day when we could see a cheeseburger in the White House.  There, I think I just made up my mind.

2012-Angie:  That’s interesting you mentioned The Electric Company’s Easy Reader who was played by Academy Award winner Morgan Freeman, a favorite of mine.  Just last week he received a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes.  And he even played the President in the movie . . .

1979-Angie:  I don’t know what Morgan Freeman has to do with Easy Reader but I nominate Morgan Fairchild for President because of her effective job of spraying her hair into a giant squirrel’s nest.

2012-Angie:  I think we better wrap this up now because that was irrelevant, a bit sexist, and the further we get into this interview the more I feel like I’m trapped inside a really tacky ventriloquist act.  And you know how I feel about ventriloquist dummies.

1979-Angie:  How’s that?  Ventrilo-what?

2012-Angie:  Ventriloquist dummies.  You know, like the weird, creepy puppets that people talk?

1979-Angie:  No clue.  You totally lost me there.

2012-Angie:  You know, they’re sort of like Sesame Street characters.  Like Grover.  Like when that man puts his hand inside Grover’s body and makes him talk . . .

1979-Angie:  For the love of Benji, stop right there.  That’s disgusting.  I don’t want to hear any more.  I hope you know you just made me throw up a Twinkie in my mouth.  But then I swallowed it again and it still tasted good.

2012-Angie:  I think it’s your naptime.

1979-Angie:  Fine.  Now where’s the candy you promised me for doing this interview?

2012-Angie:  Oh, yeah, about that.  I’m sorry to say that all I have on hand is a few rancid Circus Peanuts.  Hope that will do.

1979-Angie:  $%#*& *#$@! your face *#@ %$!&* &#* dummyhead *$#@#.

2012-Angie:  I’d appreciate you not using that kind of language on my blog.  And I’d like to remind you that your mother might be reading this.

1979-Angie:  You are a liar, liar whose pants are on fire.

2012-Angie:  I’d rather have my pants on fire than have my pants soaking wet — with pee.  How’s that going for you?

1979-Angie:  So what.  I give you a few more years until that comes back around.  And this time your mom won’t help you change your pants.  Have fun with that.

2012-Angie:  Yeah?  Well have fun with puberty.  Oh, oops.  You don’t know about that yet, do you.  Well I won’t ruin that fun surprise.  1989-Angie can fill you in.  Buh-bye now.

68 Comments leave one →
  1. January 26, 2012 12:47 pm

    Hysterical…
    Hostess bankruptcy has really struck a nerve with bloggers. I wrote about it
    http://notquiteold.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/no-wonder/
    and so did Pegoleg.
    Twinkies must be extremely crucial to the act of blogging!

    • January 26, 2012 12:54 pm

      I can’t wait to read your post on it, Nancy! I read Peg’s last week — hilarious! I knew when I heard the news report on it (on NPR of all places) that this was really big news.

      • January 26, 2012 3:42 pm

        Very funny. I recommend the read. See link above.

      • January 27, 2012 8:39 am

        Thanks for the link! I’m really enjoying your blog and your weird sense of humor.

      • January 27, 2012 7:34 pm

        Thanks, Nancy. I used to take “weird” as a putdown, but now I’ll gladly accept that badge of honor.

      • January 27, 2012 8:31 pm

        Angie, how come we’re not friends in real life? I used to tell my daughter that online friendlships weren’t real, but now i know they are. SO, I’ve had too much wine with dinner 1/2 block away from here and stopped by my office at 8:30 on my way home since we don’t get the web at home, to connect with my buddies on Word Press. This is pathetic. Because I usually don’t drink, so disregard this drivel. It started snowing here in Illinois and I’m not sure I should drive. Jeez, this is pathetic. Never mind.

      • January 27, 2012 8:48 pm

        Oh, no! Someone has stolen Peg’s smart phone and is drunk-dialing me! Don’t worry, Peg, if you can read this…stay calm. I’m calling 911 right now.

        Seriously, you know in real life we’d all be at a party right now yukking it up together and drinking waaaay too much booze. Maybe we’re safer this way ;)

        PS I nominate Darla to be the DD.

    • January 27, 2012 8:56 pm

      Thanks for getting back to me. I didn’t know it was called drunk dialing ,since I’ve never done that before. The fact that I am cognizant of my misspellings and go back to correct them is proof positive that I’m not really drunk. Except I’ve had to correct every, fricken’ word. Call Darla for the DD. It would be fun to hang out with youz guys (not sure if youze has an “e” or not. You’ll excuse me because of the wine, I’m sure.), except you’d probably think it was uncomfortably like your drunk Mom trying to party with you. Bleh. Have a great night!

      • January 27, 2012 9:02 pm

        You have a great night :)

      • January 28, 2012 7:17 am

        wait a sec…I’m the DD? Again?! Damn! *slumping head down dejectedly*

      • January 28, 2012 8:03 am

        If you’re going to be working at a school soon, I’ll just count on you to be the DD from here on out ;)

      • January 28, 2012 11:12 am

        No, Darla. With the morning comes sanity. Go ahead and have a couple of mimosas, some bloody marys – I’ll drive.

      • January 28, 2012 3:38 pm

        Mmmmm, mimosas. I think I may need to make this a dry blog. I’m getting completely carried away here with my simulated drinking.

      • January 28, 2012 12:44 pm

        What? Oh no. You guys both work full time, right? At some prestigious job, I assume? I will be dealing with teachers, kids AND their parents all day. I deserve a little R & R on the weekends and I fully expect one of you to take the wheel so I can jump up on the bar and dance with a lampshade on my head and party like it’s 1999 from time to time. Is that too much to ask of my dear, sweet, blogging buddies? I think not.

      • January 28, 2012 3:35 pm

        I’m just teasing. Lord knows you’ll be needing all the drinks you can suck-back. I only work 20 hours/week so therefore I only need to drink 20 hours/week.

        I’m there for ya, Darla! At the very least, I can call the cab company.

  2. January 26, 2012 1:02 pm

    I would vote for Mayor McCheese. He’s got experience, and he’s been around clowns long enough.

    • January 26, 2012 3:43 pm

      I’ve immediately formed a exploratory committee to test Mayor McCheese’s viability as a third-party candidate. Would you care to join?

    • January 26, 2012 3:43 pm

      Yes, isn’t it obvious? When I laid it all out here in the post, I suddenly felt rather stupid that he hadn’t occurred to me before.

  3. January 26, 2012 1:28 pm

    1979 – Worrywart: What am I supposed to have for lunch now? I can’t survive on TAB alone!

    • January 26, 2012 1:54 pm

      1982 – fledgling businesswoman Peg-o-Leg had a co-worker who had to do an audit in Canada. My friend was terrified she was going to get stopped and arrested at the border for smuggling, cuz she had a trunk full of Tab. She knew she couldn’t survive a couple of weeks trapped in the frozen, Tab-free north.

    • January 26, 2012 3:49 pm

      Yes, 1979-Worrywart and 1982-Peg — Tab! Recently, for a 1980s theme party, I actually tried to buy a bunch of Tab at a novelty candy/soda shop. I was pleased to see they had Judge Wapner cream soda there, but they were all sold out of Tab. The woman at the shop told me they could hardly keep the cans of Tab stocked on the shelves! I shouldn’t have been so surprised.

      Please don’t leave me hanging on that tantalizing story, Peg. Did she get busted? Did she survive?

      • January 26, 2012 4:56 pm

        She survived the trip. I haven’t seen her in 25 years so I don’t know if she survived the Tab addiction.

      • January 26, 2012 7:04 pm

        Well, I think we can guess where she is now. You know that Tab is a stepping stone addiction. By now she’s probably moved on to Crystal Light.

  4. January 26, 2012 1:56 pm

    What to say? Oh yeah maybe this: I ALWAYS look forward to reading your posts – it’s like a special treat or something (and this one was no exception!)

    Oh and the first (and only time) I had a twinky I was about 11 y.o. . Weirdly enough it wasn’t life changing experience for me. Maybe b/c I’m an ice-cream girl through and through.

    My aunt told me that the sitting-in-a-stroller-not-able-to-articulate-primary-needs-yet-me used to drool whenever I saw someone with an icecream cone. I actually wanted to live off of icecream sandwiches as a science project for a month, but my father nixed that idea (something about health and vital nutrients and such). My childhood was such a mess! ;)

    • January 26, 2012 4:00 pm

      By “treat” do you mean like a Twinkie treat or a Circus Peanut treat? Just want to make sure I’m clear on that.

      I haven’t had a Twinkie in decades. It sort of reminds me of that hair band Cinderella from the 1980s when they sang, “Don’t know what you got (’til it’s gone).”

      I’d say Twinkies are much better than ice cream if you’re thinking of it from a “shelf-life” standpoint. In case of a nuclear holocaust, grab the Twinkies, leave the ice cream.

      • January 28, 2012 8:33 pm

        Nope, you’re more of a chocolate fudge sunday kind of treat (which is basically the highest form of compliment in my book and can only be topped with the adding of whipped cream – you always need to leave room from improvement, right?! ;) )

        B.t.w I just came across another post about twinkies (they are everywhere! or well at least in 2 posts) and he said that the shelf life of a twinkie was actually only about 25 days. That doesn’t seem too long – I would have thought it would be somewhere around 5-10 years or so… ;)

        (source: http://quieterelephant.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/shelf-life-of-a-twinkie/)

      • January 29, 2012 9:34 pm

        Twinkies really did seem to take over the blogosphere, didn’t they? I don’t think even the Kardashians ever got such buzz on WordPress. I’ll have to check out that post once I get over my sugar-induced diabetic coma.

  5. January 26, 2012 2:13 pm

    What a great idea! I can’t understand why 1979 Angie doesn’t like circus peanuts, though. Can’t wait for your interview with 2025 Angie.

    • January 26, 2012 4:01 pm

      I’m sure 1979-Angie would not approve of 2025-Angie and her taste in polyester elastic-waist pants.

  6. January 26, 2012 2:21 pm

    Hysterical! Thanks for the laugh today.

    • January 26, 2012 4:02 pm

      You’re welcome. I hope it was “with me” and not “at me.”

  7. January 26, 2012 2:44 pm

    Circus peanuts are to candy what frosting filled wafers are to cookies. I am with 1979-Angie on this.

    • January 26, 2012 4:04 pm

      That is a fantastic analogy. I hate frosting-filled wafer cookies, too. I’d eat them only if I were trapped in the wilderness and the poisonous berries were all gone.

  8. January 26, 2012 3:32 pm

    How do you know if a circus peanut is rancid? IS there a difference?

    • January 26, 2012 4:07 pm

      Well, a rancid Circus Peanut is so old that it has crystallized until it forms a hard, sugary coating and then it gets all spongy inside with a slight tinge of banana-scented mildew and . . . you raise an excellent point.

    • January 27, 2012 6:40 am

      Haha!! I was wondering the same thing…

      • January 27, 2012 7:30 pm

        Truth be known, I’m sure they’re made with the same preserving ingredients that allows Twinkies to withstand acid rain and nuclear holocausts.

  9. January 26, 2012 3:44 pm

    It’s amazing that such a young child could come up with such a perfect analogy to describe Justin Bieber’s hairstyle. Brava 1979 Angie, brava.

    • January 26, 2012 4:09 pm

      Thank you. Yes, 1979-Angie is wise beyond her years. And she definitely knows her dinosaur poop.

  10. January 26, 2012 5:04 pm

    Love this post . . . I have these kinds of in-my-head Q&As all the time!! Well done!

    • January 26, 2012 7:05 pm

      Thanks. I’m glad I’m not alone! I think it helps to get these thoughts out there. Now I feel like 1979-Angie will sleep better tonight and not wake me up with her usual night terrors.

  11. January 26, 2012 5:07 pm

    PS: Echoing post from “notquiteold,” I also wrote about the pending demise of Hostess in my blog everyday-matters.me: http://wp.me/s1TMep-watt

  12. January 26, 2012 8:12 pm

    Such a fun post! Great idea.

    • January 26, 2012 8:38 pm

      Thanks, Pap! Ooh, I don’t think that nickname sounds like I thought it would. I better come up with a better one…

  13. Davis permalink
    January 26, 2012 10:49 pm

    This week’s Best Interview Comment In A Blog Award goes to Miss 1979 Angie for this line:

    One time I ate a tube of cherry chapstick. It tasted like Jell-O. Then one time I ate a package of gelatin. It tasted like cherry chapstick. Then one time I ate chalk. It tasted like chalk.

    • January 27, 2012 7:28 pm

      I can still perfectly remember the taste of the chapstick I used to eat. And I used to dip bananas in powdered Jell-O. Good times.

  14. January 27, 2012 1:39 am

    You are so clever and funny! I also loved the line quoted above.

    • January 27, 2012 7:27 pm

      Thank you. Flavored chapstick seems a bit inane, does it not?

  15. January 27, 2012 6:44 am

    Oh, Angie. There are so so many things that I could comment on here. The chapstick, Justin’s hair…comedy gold, baby.

    I am holding out hope that Mitt calls Newt a “Doo-doo-dee-dee-poo-poo-head-face” just once during a debate.

    • January 27, 2012 7:32 pm

      That would be fantastic, Darla! I love the idea of the candidates being completely overt with the immature name-calling they’re already doing anyway.

      • January 28, 2012 7:18 am

        You know what? They are already doing that aren’t they? And they say our country is in trouble….I don’t see it.

      • January 28, 2012 7:23 am

        by the way, I witnessed your fetal position flop over at GG’s and I have to tell you that you are my hero. Not only are your captions funny, your comments about your typos are funny.

        What is it about Paul’s blog that makes us (okay, me) get all self-conscious? Oh yeah, maybe it’s because he’s a genius and infinitely funnier than I’ll ever be…he’s the Caption King after all (I sure hope GG’s reading this, maybe it’ll get one of my entries in the door for tomorrow’s contest?!)

      • January 28, 2012 8:12 am

        With GG and the like, it’s all in the attitude. When someone tells you they’re the coolest kid in school, you usually believe it…and everyone else falls in line. I have come to believe my typos just cost me my induction into the cool kid clique (again). At least my fall to the bottom (i.e. fetal position floundering) was somewhat entertaining for you to witness. ;)

      • January 28, 2012 12:54 pm

        “fall to the bottom”? Oh no! YOu rise to the top of the clique, my friend. You are hysterical.

        Granted, my clique in high school consisted of me and four other friends who spent lunches sitting up on the stage practicing our nerdy renditions of Oscar acceptance speeches. yeah, we were too cool for school back then…

      • January 28, 2012 3:36 pm

        Wow, you sound waaaaay cooler than I was.

  16. January 27, 2012 9:22 am

    I so enjoyed this post. It almost brought tears to my eyes in a sentiment, nostalgic sort of way. I love the idea of talking with your childhood self, even if she has the mouth of a sailor and attitude of a cornered Sasquatch.
    You are a clever woman!

  17. January 28, 2012 3:37 am

    I’m just glad you referenced Richie Rich. I haven’t thought of him in about 15 years I think. Aah, good times. Oh, and fun post, I should add.

    • January 28, 2012 8:02 am

      That was one of my favorites — wasn’t his dog named Dollar? Let’s face it, it was probably a show created to teach us 80s kids about capitalism.

  18. russelllindsey permalink
    January 28, 2012 6:19 pm

    Angie – I adore this post. I haven’t laughed that hard in a very long time! I reposted :D

    Lindsey

    • January 28, 2012 8:15 pm

      Thanks a Twinkie, Lindsey! Truly! I think I need to hire you as my PR agent. Will you accept Circus Peanuts as your salary? Okay, so they’re rancid. But Darla and prttynpnk (above) tell me you won’t even notice the difference.

  19. February 1, 2012 3:40 pm

    So very very funny – LOL, ROFLOL!!
    i vote Richie Rich! ;)

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