My Exclusive Interview with 1979-Angie
Every so often when news breaks and something earth-shattering has occurred — something fascinating, something beautiful, something tragic — I wish I could step back in time for a moment and ask 1979-Angie what she thinks of it all.
Turns out I can. (Relax — my therapist calls this “healthy.”)
2012-Angie: 1979-Angie, I hate to inform you of this but Hostess Brands has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy again. It may not recover this time and we might soon see a day where Twinkies no longer exist. What do you think about this?
1979-Angie: Get outta town.
2012-Angie: I’m serious. People in 2012 many no longer get to enjoy the same pleasures you do of binging on Twinkies, Hohos, Ding Dongs or even, your favorite, Sno Balls. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself.
1979-Angie: Oh well. Doesn’t affect me back here in 1979. So long, Hostess.
2012-Angie: But what about everyone else? They’ll have no Twinkies to eat.
1979-Angie: Then let them eat Pop-Tarts.
2012-Angie: That seems rather insensitive, don’t you think?
1979-Angie: One time I ate a tube of cherry chapstick. It tasted like Jell-O. Then one time I ate a package of gelatin. It tasted like cherry chapstick. Then one time I ate chalk. It tasted like chalk.
2012-Angie: What do you think about today’s teen heartthrob Justin Bieber? Does he hold a candle to your Shaun Cassidy?
1979-Angie: I think his hair looks like a pteranodon did a fly-over and went doo-doo on his head. I think I’ll call him Doo-doo-dee-dee-poo-poo-head-face.
2012-Angie: What would you say if I told you that in 2012 the technology exists to allow people to carry phones in their pockets, see and talk with their loved ones through computers and play video games in their living rooms?
1979-Angie: What are video games?
2012-Angie: They’re sort of like, um . . . like pinball machines except they’re on a TV screen.
1979-Angie: Then why don’t they just play pinball machines in their living rooms?
2012-Angie: Yeah, well, there’s not a lot of pinball machines around in 2012.
1979-Angie: No Twinkies, no pinball machines, teen idols who look like doo-doo heads . . . boy, I bet people in 2012 are throwing themselves out of windows right now.
2012-Angie: Actually, right now we’re gearing up for the 2012 Presidential election. At the moment, here are the major players in that election.
If you could vote, who would you choose to be President?
1979-Angie: Hello? I really can’t vote without more information than just their pictures.
2012-Angie: Oh, yes. Certainly. I’m sorry. What would you like to know about them?
1979-Angie: Well their names for starters. Geez you’re a giant dummyhead.
2012-Angie: Mitt Romney, Barack Obama and Newt Gingrich.
1979-Angie: Alright. Let’s see. La-la-la-dah-dah-dah-reindeer-la-la-la . . . definitely Newt Gingrich.
2012-Angie: I don’t get what your reasoning is here.
1979-Angie: I’m going at it from a lyrical angle. Gingrich just fits in much, much better at end of the Rudolph song. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer you’ll go down in history — like the President Gingrich and me! Wow, that sounds even better than President Carter did.
2012-Angie: Of course. I forgot about that whole bit. So who would you vote for based on important things like leadership, character, who will best run the country?
1979-Angie: Oh, well . . . if that’s what you’re looking for, then I’d have to propose my own candidates.
2012-Angie: Go ahead.
1979-Angie: I think I’d make it a run-off between Easy Reader, he knows how to read and I think that’s very important in a President, . . .
. . . and Richie Rich who definitely has the personal wealth and corporate backers to run an effective race.
You know, then I’d throw in Mayor McCheese just as a wild card.
Although, I wouldn’t count him out for being a wild card. Unlike the others, Mayor McCheese has actual administrative experience running McDonaldland. And he’s definitely a Washington outsider. I know it sounds Pollyanna-like, but I dream of a day when we could see a cheeseburger in the White House. There, I think I just made up my mind.
2012-Angie: That’s interesting you mentioned The Electric Company’s Easy Reader who was played by Academy Award winner Morgan Freeman, a favorite of mine. Just last week he received a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes. And he even played the President in the movie . . .
1979-Angie: I don’t know what Morgan Freeman has to do with Easy Reader but I nominate Morgan Fairchild for President because of her effective job of spraying her hair into a giant squirrel’s nest.
2012-Angie: I think we better wrap this up now because that was irrelevant, a bit sexist, and the further we get into this interview the more I feel like I’m trapped inside a really tacky ventriloquist act. And you know how I feel about ventriloquist dummies.
1979-Angie: How’s that? Ventrilo-what?
2012-Angie: Ventriloquist dummies. You know, like the weird, creepy puppets that people talk?
1979-Angie: No clue. You totally lost me there.
2012-Angie: You know, they’re sort of like Sesame Street characters. Like Grover. Like when that man puts his hand inside Grover’s body and makes him talk . . .
1979-Angie: For the love of Benji, stop right there. That’s disgusting. I don’t want to hear any more. I hope you know you just made me throw up a Twinkie in my mouth. But then I swallowed it again and it still tasted good.
2012-Angie: I think it’s your naptime.
1979-Angie: Fine. Now where’s the candy you promised me for doing this interview?
2012-Angie: Oh, yeah, about that. I’m sorry to say that all I have on hand is a few rancid Circus Peanuts. Hope that will do.
1979-Angie: $%#*& *#$@! your face *#@ %$!&* &#* dummyhead *$#@#.
2012-Angie: I’d appreciate you not using that kind of language on my blog. And I’d like to remind you that your mother might be reading this.
1979-Angie: You are a liar, liar whose pants are on fire.
2012-Angie: I’d rather have my pants on fire than have my pants soaking wet — with pee. How’s that going for you?
1979-Angie: So what. I give you a few more years until that comes back around. And this time your mom won’t help you change your pants. Have fun with that.
2012-Angie: Yeah? Well have fun with puberty. Oh, oops. You don’t know about that yet, do you. Well I won’t ruin that fun surprise. 1989-Angie can fill you in. Buh-bye now.