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Things I Once Believed . . .

January 28, 2012

1.)  That the beauty of a woman was based on the lack of distance from her hair to her shoes and/or tail fins.  (sources:  Crystal Gayle, Solid Gold, my mermaid dolls)

2.)  That when my parents toured Italy they were served pizza in a cup.  (sources:  my brother, Steve Martin, The Jerk)

3.)  That an over-sized sweater is appropriate to wear as a dress, that it is appropriate to wear as a dress to gym class, that jumping-jacks would not expose my butt.  (sources:  me, myself, I, my friend Kelley)

4.)  That it really was just a big misunderstanding.  (sources:  Three’s Company, Mr. Furley)

5.)  That the at-large murderers, kidnappers, rapists and ghosts featured on TV’s Unsolved Mysteries were all hiding in the shed behind my house.  (source:  Unsolved Mysteries)

6.)  That the synchronization of Unsolved Mysteries’ Monday night time-slot with my parents’ weekly volleyball league across town was no coincidence.  (sources:  my nightmares, The Hardy Boys, Encyclopedia Brown)

7.)  That R-O-L-A-I-D-S really does spell “relief.”  (source:  Rolaids)

8.)  That my mother would paddle me with a wooden spoon for demanding she remove the onions from my soup.  (sources:  my mother, Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford)

9.)  That mustaches are attractive.  (sources:  Tom Selleck, Magnum P.I., Peter Brady disguised as “Phil Packer”)

10.)  That seat belts are only intended for driving great distances on family vacations.  (sources:  my parents, my friends’ parents, my sitcom parents, station wagons)

11.)  That my stuffed animals had feelings, that they envied the ones who slept closest to me, that homely Miss Mousy with the torn-off ear would eventually kill off Teddy in a jealous rage.  (source:  The Velveteen Rabbit)

12.)  That, aside from the Velveteen Rabbit, rabbits could not be trusted.  (sources:  Watership Down, Bunnicula, Cujo)

13.)  That my grandfather’s whistle could be heard from 100 miles away.  (sources:  Mr. Wizard’s World, my mother)

14.)  That Michael Jackson, Emmanuel Lewis, Gary Coleman, Tutti from the Facts of Life, and a guy I once saw at a Village Inn were all good friends.  (sources:  White Middle America, rural Nebraska, Archie Bunker, the 1984 Grammy Awards)

15.)  That Muppets were living creatures, that never seeing their feet move, their eyes blink, or the fact that Kermit the Frog and Ernie shared the same voice was not related to the thin black wires that made their arms move.  (sources:  Jim Henson, felt that bears striking resemblance to flesh, fur and amphibious skin, ping pong balls)

16.)  That my cat had a fun time riding down the stairs in a laundry hamper, that she would’ve said “Weeeeeee!” if given the ability to talk.  (sources:  my brother, Looney Tunes)

43 Comments leave one →
  1. January 28, 2012 4:17 pm

    I’m much older than you, but Tom Selleck definitely made mustaches attractive.

    • January 29, 2012 9:23 pm

      I’m with you. Did you ever see him without a mustache? No thank you. He needs that mustache as much as a normal man needs to not have one.

  2. January 28, 2012 4:20 pm

    These were great and I’m sad to say that I held a few of the same beliefs. As for number 16 on your list, I’m pretty sure what the cat was thinking was, “If I had thumbs, I’d kill you in your sleep for doing this to me.”

    • January 29, 2012 9:25 pm

      If she did have opposable thumbs, I wouldn’t be here now to tell the tale.

  3. January 28, 2012 4:44 pm

    #11 is actually true. Source – my Hugo Rottweiler stuffed dog.

    • January 29, 2012 9:26 pm

      Your source is a liar. Tell him I said that. Try to say it in a nice way so it doesn’t hurt his feelings.

  4. January 28, 2012 4:49 pm

    I’m sure all of my stuffed animals had feelings, which is why they all ended up being hit by trains. It’s how I started on the path to my current job as a serial killer.

  5. January 28, 2012 5:01 pm

    # 3: It isn’t? Seriously? I need to do some serious wardrobe rethinking, I guess

    # 11: Yes they do! I gave mine time-out for bad behaviour like eating the last cookie at our tea parties – I know my Garfield really took that one to heart.

    # 16: I’m sure she did! I used to pity cats for not walking upright like Garfield (not my toy, the real one) and so I tried to teach them (everytime I came across one) by grabbing their front paws in a death grip and setting their hind legs on my feet and walking. Struggling was ignored as a feeling of unease to the new life up upright walking being awaiting them. For some weird reason most cats fled when they saw me.

    • January 29, 2012 9:29 pm

      Wearing a sweater dress is not the same as wearing a sweater as a dress. Just want to make that clear. One is cut in a way that enables you to move your arms upward.

      Walking upright was never a good look for Garfield with his protruding belly. Most cats are smart enough to know that. Thus, no walking upright for them, no siree.

  6. January 28, 2012 5:07 pm

    Oh my gosh!!! I love this!! You had me at Crystal Gayle…

    • January 29, 2012 9:29 pm

      Whatever happened to her…and her hair? I wonder if she eventually sold it off to make 40,000 wigs.

  7. russelllindsey permalink
    January 28, 2012 7:12 pm

    The Unsolved Mysteries thing… I can relate. Just the theme music would scare my little sister.

    There was one episode that scared the crap out of me as a kid: the one about alien abductions. I dreamed of little gray/white creatures that night. Fortunately, I never saw that one again. Robert Stack’s voice: Definition of creepy.


    • January 29, 2012 8:32 pm

      ditto. the episode that scared me, however, was the one with the ghost girl in the middle-of-the-road late at night.

      • January 29, 2012 9:38 pm

        Oh, no! I don’t remember that one! But perhaps I blocked it out in order to prevent a protective mental shutdown.

        I do remember one with a girl who saw ghosts, including the ghost of an elderly man who cut off his hand in a lawn mower. The girl described him to her mother and later they found out, oh, in fact there was a deceased neighbor who many years back cut his hand off in a lawn mower. And that’s about the time that I blacked out.

    • January 29, 2012 9:30 pm

      The music! Yes, Lindsey. Robert Stack’s creepy voice! Yes! All of it = every light was on in the house for the full duration of the evening.

  8. January 28, 2012 7:50 pm

    #11 is true. My stuffed animals were able to ward off vampires. That’s why they stood watch on the window seat in the hallway outside my bedroom. (proof: I am not a vampire nor have I been sucked dry by a vampire)

    • January 29, 2012 9:32 pm

      We should all be so lucky. My stuffed animals didn’t care two sh*ts about taking care of me. Instead, I watched guard over them. That’s just the kind of selfless person I am.

  9. January 28, 2012 9:34 pm

    #12 is true!!! Source: my sister’s pet rabbit Gretel (a.k.a. Grendel) It clawed my mum’s face and neck!! Mum healed. I’m scarred for life!

    • January 29, 2012 9:44 pm

      Get out! That little so-and-so. I can assure you that my Henry (a surrendered rabbit I recently spotted at a store who is the current object of my affection) would never, ever do such a thing. Ever. Except that he may be rabid so who can really say.

      “Grendel” is a great name for a rabid bunny.

  10. January 29, 2012 12:38 am

    As you know, I’m your biggest fan, but you totally blew me away with the Village Inn reference. Do these still exist or are you that good?

    • January 29, 2012 9:46 pm

      I’ll tell you what would blow you away (your arteries, that is) — Village Inn. There are still Village Inns around my neck of the woods. I try to stay clear of those and any other places that offer strawberry cream cheese stuffed waffles covered in maple-flavored corn syrup.

  11. January 29, 2012 4:49 am

    Out. Blinkin’. Standing :D Love it!

  12. January 29, 2012 8:07 am

    I never realized until this moment how much that Brady scene resembled low budget porn…..

  13. January 29, 2012 9:59 am

    This was perfect. Especially number 5 and 6. Oh, god that music and Robert Stack! *shivers*

    and the reference to Encyclopedia Brown! Loved those books…

    • January 29, 2012 9:54 pm

      If I were to be making my way down a dark alley late at night by myself and that music suddenly kicked in, I think I’d know immediately that I was in deep doo-doo.

      You know you have it bad when you actually get scared by the wretched, amateur recreations of “what might have happened”.

  14. January 30, 2012 12:47 am

    I used to think that blogging would make me famous and popular. (source: my own pathetic ignorance of how the world works).
    And now you’re telling me mustaches aren’t sexy?

    • January 30, 2012 8:25 pm

      Wait, that isn’t true? What am I even doing here then?

      Mustaches: I do consider the handlebar variety a rare exception. But only if paired with leather chaps.

  15. January 30, 2012 9:49 am

    Are you saying that one or more of these things is NOT true? (Peter Brady with that mustache gets me hot. Hubba, hubba!)

    • January 30, 2012 8:27 pm

      That Peter Brady ‘stache is as sexy as all get out, are you kidding me? I practically conceived from just looking at it.

  16. January 30, 2012 7:23 pm

    Are you saying you don’t believe those things anymore? Because that’s sad.

    • January 30, 2012 8:33 pm

      Well, spell check tells me that ROLAIDS doesn’t spell relief, but I question this. Oh, and I do happen to find Mr. Belvedere attractive.

  17. Lyssapants permalink
    January 30, 2012 9:55 pm

    word to #5. That show both haunted and fascinated me.

    • January 31, 2012 9:24 pm

      I know — scary as hell yet you couldn’t seem to tear your eyes away from it.

  18. January 31, 2012 10:13 am

    Ahh Bunnicula and The Velventeen Rabbit! So many bunny memories.

    • January 31, 2012 9:27 pm

      I loved Bunnicula! I also read a couple others in the series — Howliday Inn and The Celery Stalks at Midnight. Oh, bunnies.

  19. February 1, 2012 2:30 pm

    I love this post and I marvel at your memory. I would never have come up with the Phil Packer reference. Also, Crystal Gayle? Ok, well, maybe I blocked her from memory after my brown eyes failed to turn blue, as promised.

    • February 1, 2012 8:43 pm

      Phil Packer…wasn’t he dreamy with that mustache? I recall either me or a friend I knew or Ramona Quimby thought that it was “donuts make my brown eyes blue.”

      • February 1, 2012 8:45 pm

        Only if they have blue sprinkles…

  20. February 6, 2012 1:27 pm

    I ONLY MADE FRESHLY PRESSED!!! (And still no mug!) :D

    • February 6, 2012 1:54 pm

      I am insanely happy for you! I saw that adorable picture of the kids posing on the WordPress homepage. And I thought, “I love old family pictures — I will definitely have to go back and read that post when I’m not at work :)” Little did I know that it was yours! Congrats!

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