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Love and Other Contagious Diseases

February 14, 2012

I had another post all ready to go for today.  And then Hallmark reminded me that this is the day we’re supposed to be all about the love.

I’ll be honest.  I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day.  My husband already does all the gloppy flowers and ooey-gooey love letter stuff on tons of other days of the year (he wanted me to let you know this).  So who cares about one smelly ol’ day out of 365?  But then, I didn’t want to seem like that absent-minded grade school teacher who forgot to change her bulletin board from the construction paper snowman to the pink doily hearts.  So here you go, in the name of love.

A flashback on ten of my favorite love moments from the screen . .

1.) Maddie takes up with David (Moonlighting).  One of TV’s best Jump the Shark moments.  And then once they got all that beautiful love out there in the open, the sexual tension died, the chemistry depleted, the ratings tanked, and the show became utterly pointless.  And that right there, folks, shows the power of love.  It can move mountains, can’t it?

2.) Mindy takes up with Mork (Mork & Mindy).  This TV couple had zero on-screen chemistry.  Which I blame largely on rainbow suspenders.  But I didn’t care.  The most important thing was that their love tore down social barriers.  That’s right, it paved the way for aliens to mate with humans.  Which, according to Weekly World News, had already been going on for years, just not on television.

3.) Benji impregnates Tiffany (For the Love of Benji).  Where is Bob Barker and his soap box when you need them?  Although, who really cares about controlling the pet population when it comes down to two crazy kids in love.  If by “in love” you also mean “in heat”.

Order this plate to commemorate Tiffany coming into season.

4.) Skippy and Mallory get locked in a basement (Family Ties).  Poor nerdy Skippy.  He could never get a shot with his beloved, the beautiful Mallory.  But then, his big break.  They get trapped in a basement.  (Hubba hubba.)  They’re all alone.  (Is it getting steamy in here?)  And the basement has no heat.  (Why are the windows fogging up?)  And they need to find a way to keep warm.  (Rrrrrrrrrow.)  So they, um, put on some chipmunk costumes.

5.) Bobby kisses Millicent (Brady Bunch).  After their kiss, the Bradys worry that Bobby may have caught the Mumps from Millicent.  Tragic.  What I like about this episode is that it taught us kids that there may be a price to pay even with just one innocent kiss.  And this very special kiss dovetailed perfectly with the very special episode where Greg contracts syphilis.

6.) Whitley takes up with Dwayne Wayne (A Different World).  This TV couple had zero on-screen chemistry.  (See Mork and Mindy, above, but substitute “flippy sunglasses” for “rainbow suspenders”.)  And her voice felt like barbecue skewers being jammed in my eardrums, followed by a rinse of tobasco sauce.  Yet their love changed the world.  You might say it was then a different world.  You might say this would be a great name for a show and a catchy opening theme song.  You might wonder whatever happened to Lisa Bonet.

It doesn't matter to Becca, Tyler. So long as you never, ever braid it.

7.) Tyler takes up with Becca (Life Goes On).  You cannot possibly remember this early ‘90s show.  You cannot possibly share my understanding of why this was such a lovely love moment.  So what.  All you really need to know is that (A) Tyler has a mullet, and (B) Becca loved him despite his mullet.  Amazing, that thing called love.

8.) Kermit marries Miss Piggy (The Muppets Take Manhattan).  Yeah, the marriage thing was pretty great.  But what really made my heart grow three sizes larger was the surprise moment when someone yells, “Open Sesame!”  And then a wall in the chapel moves aside and the Sesame Street gang joins the Muppet Show gang for the big day.   Geez, now I’m verklempt.  Give me a moment.  Not quite done.  Stop looking at me.  Oh, great, here comes the waterworks.

Alas, seems like only weddings and funerals brings them together.

9.) Sam takes up with Diane (Cheers).  I’m putting this in here because if I didn’t someone would pipe up and say, But you forgot about Sam and Diane.  Really, I didn’t care a lick about their love.  If you want to know the truth, I was rooting for Carla.

10.) Sophia gets laid (Golden Girls).  True, this geriatric steam bath may have massacred every shred of my libido.  But despite this, I couldn’t be happier that the old bag finally got, well, bagged.

Happy Love Day!  Have fun, avoid the Mumps and please have your pets spayed or neutered.

**All photos taken without permission from several junky, amateur websites that also took these photos without permission.**

56 Comments leave one →
  1. February 14, 2012 6:11 am

    Whaaaaaaaaaat? Kermit and Miss Piggy got married? Why was I not invited?! :O

    Love this :) Thank you Hallmark :D

    • February 15, 2012 8:41 pm

      Don’t feel bad. They claimed my invitation “got lost in the mail” but I’m not buying it.

  2. February 14, 2012 6:14 am

    I couldn’t agree more about Moonlighting. The sexual tension MADE that show. And they went and ruined it! I worked a perfectly coiffed Maddie hairdo (my sister home permed it) for a couple of years, but quickly changed it after that to a more Adam Ant style in defiance. (My sister cut it. It’s what she wanted me in anyway.) Happy Valentine’s Day, my favorite blogger. I’m delighted to discover that I’m not alone in my disdain for Love Day. Now I’m off to do last minute planning and shopping to entertain 100 2nd-graders today. Wish me luck — and sanity.

    • February 15, 2012 8:45 pm

      I loved Maddie’s hair! Then Cybill Shepherd used to do that hair coloring commercial and I wanted both her bland bottled blond color and her perfect wavy bob. Instead I unintentionally opted for the Roseanne Roseannadana special, which is not half as cool as the Adam Ant.

      • February 16, 2012 8:05 am

        LOL I think a failed 9th grade home perm resembled the RR look as well. Then my hair all fell out. And I had braces to boot. Ugh!!

  3. February 14, 2012 6:49 am

    I never saw Life Goes On, but after reading this post I must spend my Valentine’s Day tracking down every single mullet-lovin’ episode. My favorite love episode was when Alf made sweet love to the dad.

    • February 15, 2012 8:49 pm

      Don’t forget that it was Mork and Mindy who paved the way for Gordon Shumway and Mr. Tanner to consummate their otherworldly love.

  4. Emily permalink
    February 14, 2012 7:27 am

    The only one of those moments that I witnessed was Bobby and Millicent on the Brady Bunch, and that was in a rerun. But, Angie? Do you think you could do a post about school Valentine’s Day parties? You know, the “all or none” rule, the strategic choosing of the least “suggestive” cartoon valentines in the package for the people you really don’t like (or for the person you DO like “that way,” so they don’t KNOW you like them “that way”), the handmade paper mailbags (paper bags with hearts on them), and the unbridled orgy of sugar, chocolate, and Red Food Dye No. 2 that pervaded the classroom before the Peanut Allergy Brigade, and the Anti-Child-Obesity Brigade had their say. Remember all that? I do……and it’s making me crave some cinnamon hearts, at 8:27 in the morning. ;)

    • February 15, 2012 8:53 pm

      I think you already summed it up very well, Emily. You definitely touched on all the high points, from the construction paper heart envelope or paper bag taped to your desk to the obsessive deciphering of the love insinuations of a drug store valentine to the rampant use of Red Food Dye No. 2 (brilliant addition, by the way). I feel a little sick and dizzy now just thinking of all of the candy and love and anticipation of candy and love.

  5. February 14, 2012 8:11 am

    Niles and Daphne. All the way.

    • February 15, 2012 8:57 pm

      That was a jump the shark that I didn’t see coming. Also didn’t see coming was her pregnancy being covered up as “gaining excess weight” because she felt unworthy of Niles. What were they thinking?

  6. February 14, 2012 8:13 am

    I think I watched too much TV as a kid. I’m pretty sure I saw all of those moments. And I totally loved Life Goes On…”Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on, brah!”

    • February 14, 2012 9:51 pm

      I agree!

    • February 14, 2012 10:06 pm

      So funny..And I think I have seen these all except the Benji and Tiffany and I think I’m ok with

      • February 15, 2012 8:59 pm

        You didn’t miss out on much! Well, maybe you did miss out on seeing a few miniature Benjis and Tiffanys.

    • February 15, 2012 8:58 pm

      I was entirely too obsessed with Life Goes On.

  7. Tony permalink
    February 14, 2012 8:20 am

    The only reason I watched Life Goes On was to see Corky finally get lucky. That should’ve been the series finale.

    This phenomenon is actually referred to as “Jumping The Spark”. The main characters finally hook up and thus ruin the series. Moonlighting, Northern Exposure, X-Files, Who’s The Boss, etc.

    • February 15, 2012 9:02 pm

      I’m assuming you meant to say “Jump the Shark” unless there is a whole other TV phenomenon of spark-jumping that I’m not aware of. Another classic shark-jumping tactic is to add a baby to the show. Somehow the Flintstones survived, but I would argue only with the subsequent addition of Bam Bam. I couldn’t say the same for Family Ties (Andy) or Mad About You (Mabel). Pretty much ruined the entire show.

  8. February 14, 2012 8:29 am

    These were great! A fitting tribute to Valentine’s Day.

    • February 15, 2012 9:03 pm

      Thanks, Paprika. I was definitely feeling the love…in the form of bad TV/movie entertainment.

  9. February 14, 2012 9:05 am

    “A very special episode where Greg contracts syphilis.” Oh my God, woman, you make me laugh.

    • February 15, 2012 9:05 pm

      Or maybe I misinterpreted that episode where Mike and Carol let Greg turn the den into a groovy love pad? I could’ve sworn it later featured a trip to the free clinic.

  10. February 14, 2012 10:17 am

    My favorite part about this post is your photo credit line. Fantastic. Also, I agree with you about “Moonlighting.” Ruined the whole show. Same thing happened to “Cheers.” It was the sexual tension that was funny. Happy Valentine’s Day.

    • February 15, 2012 9:11 pm

      Why must these shows give us what we want by making them all ultimately get together? We don’t know what the hell we want. We think we want happiness and love — and then when it’s all said and done and it’s the morning-after, we really don’t want happiness and love. Wait, I’m talking about TV here. Maybe I should clarify that.

  11. February 14, 2012 10:48 am

    Thanks for this Valentine’s Day edition of Jump The Snark.

    • February 15, 2012 9:12 pm

      I should truly do a whole post on these horrible rating-killing pairings.

      • February 16, 2012 8:39 am

        Go for it! I know you’ll do the subject proud.

  12. John-Paul permalink
    February 14, 2012 11:36 am

    There was a fatal moment in my early life when I realised that the will they or won’t they tension in so many sitcoms was always going to be a “they won’t”. At that point things changed for me, and I started noticing that whatever the problem it was always resolved at the end…etc. It ruined a lot of shows. On the other hand, Moonlighting bravely took the other course and died. What was the Tony Danza show? That sucked. It was like they were trapped in hell – always wanting each other and never finding happiness.

    • February 15, 2012 9:15 pm

      Damnit! You just reminded me of one I missed — from the TV show Who’s the Boss. Eventually Tony and Angela did in fact get together. Although, fortunately that show was already rubbish by that point, and their love affair did nothing to take it any further down than it had already fallen.

      I love the “trapped in hell” part! I keep thinking that as I’m watching Downton Abbey.

  13. February 14, 2012 1:35 pm

    I am still weeping over Moonlighting. God, that was such a good show until they did it. Such a shame.

    And I am relieved Skippy and Mallory ONLY put on those chipmunk costumes, otherwise things could’ve gotten a bit too creepy for my taste. Ok, a whole crapload of creepy.

    • February 15, 2012 9:16 pm

      Yeah, let’s be doubly relieved that nothing happened while they were wearing those chipmunk costumes. That would be like really bad Looney Tunes porn.

  14. February 14, 2012 2:42 pm

    I got all snorty and truly LOLed while reading this!! TV is truly filled with oddball love stories.

    • February 15, 2012 9:18 pm

      Thanks for reading, Jamie. Did I ever tell you I played the French horn in school?

      • February 16, 2012 12:26 pm

        Rock on! The world needs more wickedly cool and funny horn players. :-) You are most definitely both of those things!

  15. February 14, 2012 4:42 pm

    Man … I am fully aware of each and every one of these Jump the Shark moments, yet it is far more depressing to see them bundled together like this. The flashback is awful! (smile)

    Life Goes On. Wow do I ever miss that show. I had such a crush on Chad Lowe. And Moonlighting? LOVED it. The episode when they are looking for the man with a mole on his nose? Gracious, I miss that back and forth chatter. Priceless.

    Yeah, whatever. Happy Valentine’s Day.

    • February 15, 2012 9:22 pm

      Sure, Lenore. You go for the smart, witty, brooding guy who teaches us all a valuable lesson about seeing the person and not the disease. I go for the dumb jock with a mullet. What does that say about me? And would we use words like “shallow” to answer that question?

      By the way, you are ROCKING the Good Greatsby caption contest! I want to see what this winner button looks like. Hope you post it on your blog next week.

      • February 15, 2012 9:36 pm

        Shallow?! Please. You had the better plan… though I have searched high and low for an updated picture of Tommy Puett – I was not successful. HOWEVER, I am willing to bet he looks way better than Chad Lowe does these days. I bet he uses fewer drugs, too. Pooooor Chad.

        I’m trying to remain calm, cool and collected about the contest. You and Darla do really well with these contests.. so, I’m not holding my breath.

      • February 15, 2012 9:43 pm

        I don’t know about that, Lenore. Looks like this was taken at a NASCAR event:

  16. February 14, 2012 5:43 pm

    Oh, Golden Girls. How I love thee. I don’t know much about the other shows, but I DO know your writing and humor are wonderful. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    • February 15, 2012 9:24 pm

      Thanks! I love me some Golden Girls. When I really want to relax, I curl up with a cup of tea and a good Golden Girls episode. Does that make me old?

  17. February 14, 2012 8:29 pm

    Yeah, let’s expand on that where the kids are making out. How did that get past the censors? I think that is more damaging than watching Pig/Froggy porn.

    • February 15, 2012 9:26 pm

      I have to admit I worried about posting that picture as it did seem quite risque. I’m afraid I might’ve set off some serious alarms and I’m afraid my blog might be torn down tomorrow. If so, it was really nice knowing you. Good luck with the poop and stuff.

  18. February 14, 2012 9:04 pm

    Thinking about what you could do with cable gives me goosebumps.

    • February 15, 2012 9:29 pm

      I wouldn’t be here if I had cable. “Here” as in the blogosphere. I wouldn’t have a job, I wouldn’t have my vaccinations updated, I wouldn’t have a husband, and my kids would be making me dinner while I sat in my Forever Lazy uniform. In case it’s not obvious, I don’t have cable in order to save me from myself.

  19. February 15, 2012 2:14 pm

    I can’t believe I missed Kermit’s marriage to Ms. Piggy! I had the darn frog puppet. :( Oh, and Diane. She was a Bi%$H. But you didn’t hear it from me.

    • February 15, 2012 9:33 pm

      If I was the kind of person who at one time watched hours upon hours of such gossipy shows as the E! True Hollywood Story, I’d tell you that Diane was actually a Bi%$H in real life and the rest of the cast of Cheers despised her. And this is why I no longer have cable.

      • February 15, 2012 9:41 pm

        Well… my husband actually worked on Cheers so I don’t need you to tell me anything in regards to Diane or Shelly Long. :-/

      • February 15, 2012 9:46 pm

        You are so connected — I forgot! That’s right because some day I’m going to get to meet John Cusack with your kind reference. Please don’t tell him I want to break up with him. I’d prefer to tell him the news in person.

  20. February 15, 2012 6:57 pm

    What about Opie and Miss Crump? Barney and Thelma Lou? Okay, they didn’t ever ‘get together’ (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), but that was steamy TV romance. And I mean, woo, steamy!

    • February 15, 2012 9:36 pm

      Opie and Miss Crump! You kill me, Lisa. Barney and Thelma Lou never did get hitched. Unless you’re talking the 1980s reunion special. What was up with that? For a small town in the south in the 60s, they sure didn’t abide by the normal rules of courting.

  21. project1979 permalink
    February 16, 2012 4:03 pm

    Reblogged this on project1979 and commented:
    Love love love this…

  22. skynyrdgyrl81 permalink
    February 19, 2012 8:13 am

    Ahhh,Life Goes On.. If I had known they were going to kill Tyler off in that car accident, my eleven year old self would not have invested so much time in that sweet, sweet mullet.

    • February 20, 2012 2:15 pm

      Your comment could’ve been written by me. Did I write that? Oh, no, I guess I didn’t. I hope it doesn’t seem like a pat on the back now to say that your comment made me laugh out loud.

  23. Timoree permalink
    February 20, 2012 10:54 am

    A. Tyler and Becca from Life Goes On gave me hope that someday maybe I would get a popular guy all of my own. No cigar, I cursed those wholesome shows that gave me hope that there was reprieve from dorkism in small town Nebraska.

    B. I have the “Muppets take Manhattan” on DVD. The morning of my wedding, I watched the wedding scene for inspiration. Is that weird?

    • February 20, 2012 2:17 pm

      A. Yes! Exactly. Brainy, geeky chick gets the hot guy? Happens all the time on television. I want to live there.

      B. No, not at all. What finer love than that between two animal species? We should all aspire to that kind of love.

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