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Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

February 24, 2012

My husband and I had a grown-up evening out last night while his parents watched our kids.  When we came home, the kids were in bed and this was on the refrigerator.

My daughter is finally getting to the age where she can draw things that actually resemble humans.  But as someone who grew up as a card-carrying member of the Drawing Enthusiasts Club, I’m hyper tuned in to what she draws and how.

So, right after I squealed with delight at how edible this is in a way that makes me want to cram it into a sugar-coated candied fig and devour it so that it resides deep in my soul forever, the very next thing I did was notice this.  Um . . . my (ahem) unit.

Perhaps it’s a tail.  Didn’t we all have tails at one point?  Or — dear God no! — perhaps my daughter believes me to be transgendered.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

I promise I haven’t given her a reason to believe this.  I don’t have to wax a mustache, not even a stray chin hair (yet).  And I think I look pretty damn decent in a dress.   I think I still own one anyway.  Does a bathrobe count?

But then I thought, Relax!  This happens all the time when you draw stick people.  It’s a textbook stick people affliction.  Certainly the risk is always there when you don’t pay attention to where your lines connect.  Common rookie mistake.  Some of my best friends drew their stick people this way and still got accepted into college.  No big deal.

But then I noticed that my son appears to have either a really bad comb-over or is wearing a toupee.  In fact, he has great hair — like thick, beautiful, long California surfer dude hair.  So I found this to be grossly inaccurate.  Although, I applaud her that the rendering of my husband’s hair is spot-on.

Disturbingly, my daughter looks to have a spider embedded in her bangs.  You probably wouldn’t have noticed this had I not pointed it out.  Or you probably wouldn’t have noticed this had you never experienced having a spider embedded in your bangs.  Because I have.  (Read here.)

Why is my daughter the only one with teeth?  I asked her this today and she couldn’t explain it.  I’ll let her mull it over a few days, give her some time to notice that my teeth are remarkably straight and white, and then I’ll request a meeting to discuss it further.

All of this reminds me of my own childhood drawings that I need to lug out of that old box from our garage.  From there, I’ll have to dig through a few hundred high school art class drawings that are only bad in an amateur way and not bad in a cute way, though thankfully not bad in a delusional way.  And, after that, I’ll hopefully find the beat-up manila envelope labeled Angie’s Preschool Drawings that my parents once left on my doorstep in the middle of the night (seconds before their tires squealed away).

I bet there are some prize-worthy nuggets in there.  I bet there are some I drew of people.  I bet there are some I drew of my family.  I bet my mom looks like a woman.  I bet I’ll put this drawing to shame.  Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

54 Comments leave one →
  1. February 24, 2012 6:12 am

    Maybe she inherited your husband’s drawing gene. That would account for the fetish with penises.

    My drawings still look like that only not quite so cute.

    • February 24, 2012 2:17 pm

      I hope for her sake she didn’t inherit his drawing gene. If my husband drew these pictures, you wouldn’t know the difference. Actually, you might think that my 2-year-old son drew them instead.

      P.S. Cruel, I know, but he would fully agree with this assessment.

  2. February 24, 2012 6:43 am

    My son used to actually draw the “unit” on his stick figure men. I had to tell him that he just didn’t need to go that far. How could we send a pornographic drawing to Uncle Will of him and my son standing next to each other? What would that suggest? Kids just call ’em like they see ’em I guess. Maybe not so good for you…

    • February 24, 2012 8:46 am

      Yeah, me too. But MY boobs always get left off when the “other stuff” was put on everyone else. That’s just so in-your-face wrong.

      • February 24, 2012 2:23 pm

        Hmmm…I wonder when my daughter will start adding on the boobs. As long as she doesn’t draw me being milked like a cow as that has become her fascination as of late. “Mommy, do you want to milk Jude in my room?” Yeah, I know it’s backwards but either way it’s wrong anyway.

    • February 24, 2012 2:19 pm

      Hilarious! I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that, so long as you don’t make it your Christmas card picture. (Unless he’s still drawing like this when he’s 17. That’s when they start labeling you a deviant.)

      • February 25, 2012 2:46 pm

        Hmm, interesting reading! :)

      • February 25, 2012 4:04 pm

        Yeah, more about all of us than anyone would care to know. I suppose my bad naked locker room post opened up the floodgates.

  3. February 24, 2012 6:54 am

    I might enlist your daughter to do the drawings on ramblingsandrumblings. I’ll admit that I’m a bit jealous of your child’s ability.

    My nearly 2 year old son thinks the Mona Lisa is me so I don’t know what that says about my looks because she’s definitely not hot. And I am really hot. I look like a cross between the Mona Lisa and a glass of skim milk.

    • February 24, 2012 2:28 pm

      Don’t sell yourself short. Mona Lisa is hot. The fact that the painting may have actually been (as conspiracy theorists would rush to point out) a self-portrait of Leonardo da Vinci as a woman just goes to prove how hot she really was.

      I am hot, too. I look like a cross between Lady Elaine Fairchilde and a glass of skim milk.

  4. February 24, 2012 7:13 am

    why does ‘mommy’ have an enormous double-head, too? Based on the childhood pictures of you, you don’t seem to have a particularly enormous rage-comic-ey head, and it seems unlikely that it just continued to grow and grow up to now.

    • February 24, 2012 2:33 pm

      Thanks for pointing that out. I didn’t notice until just now. I do seem to have an enormous head, one that dwarfs my entire family. No cap or fascinator could ever fit on that thing. In reality, my head is the size of a newborn baby’s fist. I have to wear kids sunglasses or I’ll look like a housefly. So perhaps my daughter was trying to overcompensate for this.

  5. Tony permalink
    February 24, 2012 7:40 am

    The problem is that you’re not giving her the proper materials to create her masterpieces. Manila paper (I used to call it Vanilla paper at her age) and sketching pencils. Cmon mom.

    • February 24, 2012 2:36 pm

      Manila paper? What on earth is that? Is that the yellowed, grainy paper mom used to have lying around the house? I remember drawing on it with a no. 2 pencil and, no matter how hard I pushed, the lines appeared faint.

  6. February 24, 2012 8:10 am

    This was a very cute and funny post! Well….until I got to the part about the spider stuck in your bangs. I just couldn’t go on after that, sorry.

  7. February 24, 2012 8:47 am

    Perhaps your daughter meant these to be abstract renderings of her family. Maybe, with a different medium, like macaroni noodles or finger paint, her portraits would be more accurate.

    • February 24, 2012 2:45 pm

      That’s an excellent point. I’d even argue that, well above Play-Doh and modeling clay, dried macaroni allows you the most artistic freedom to capture the nuances of a person’s features.

  8. February 24, 2012 8:49 am

    Maybe it’s just an overdrawn line? MAYBE someone secretly wants a little unit of her own? I, for one, wish I had one. Then I wouldn’t have to continually go into the house to pee when I’d rather just keep working in the yard. No fair that guys that advantage.

    • February 24, 2012 2:46 pm

      Indeed, you can really go far in life with those things. I think my daughter would, for example, have a much easier time climbing the corporate ladder or burping the alphabet if she had one of her very own.

      • February 24, 2012 2:55 pm

        LOL Burping the alphabet. You know, it’s better she doesn’t have a unit with that skill. She’d be considered cute rather than neanderthal, and if she perfected it, she might really go places. Frat parties, karaoke nights at the local bar, breaking the ice at PTA meetings — her opportunities are practically endless.

      • February 24, 2012 2:58 pm

        You forgot America’s Got (No) Talent.

  9. February 24, 2012 10:20 am

    Nothing at all pathetic about a Mommy going searching through her garage in the dead of night with a flashlight so she could dig up her childhood drawings to show her own precious child how it’s SUPPOSED to be done. Such behavior does not scream I-crave-attention-so-badly-I-need-intensive-therapy-right-damn-now…not at all.

    • February 24, 2012 10:23 am

      I love you, Peg. Really. Is that too forward?

      • February 24, 2012 10:40 am

        Not at all. I love love. As long as you can back it up with a truly amazing stick picture of me.

      • February 24, 2012 2:49 pm

        It’s a deal. And this makes up for you rejecting the crown my daughter labored over for you during her graveyard shift at the crafty tiaras sweatshop.

  10. February 24, 2012 11:21 am

    Maybe that isn’t a spider. Maybe it’s a Girl Scout beanie? Those things have tentacles that creep out when no one is looking.

  11. February 24, 2012 11:35 am

    Funny how you pointed out the – um – appendage, but you failed to point out the double chin. I mean, she needed two circles for your face. You need to pull out an old TV Guide and sit down with your daughter. You can have a “Draw Skippy” contest.

    • February 24, 2012 2:56 pm

      Lenore, thanks for being the second person (although it hurt more coming from you) to point out my dreadful melon head. Going forward, I will be wearing a lot of turtlenecks to conceal my fourteen chins.

      I loved the Draw Skippy contest. I recall there was Draw Tippy the Turtle, too. My brother told me those things were just a gimmick to get you to order art supplies. Whaaaaat? My heart is broken.

      • February 24, 2012 7:31 pm

        Don’t sweat it, Angie. Stick figures are known to add 20lbs to a person. Way worse than television and movies.

        Yes, Skippy, Tippy and I recall a pirate, but I can’t think of his name. A gimmick? No way. I refuse to believe it.

      • February 25, 2012 3:48 pm

        Yes — the pirate! Thanks for that. Sorry to burst your bubble on the contest fraud.

  12. Dena Sanders permalink
    February 24, 2012 12:49 pm

    As a child of the seventies, I went to kindergarten and drew all my people with two “V” shaped things on their chests. Each V also had a perfect dot at the bottom of it. My kindergarten teacher called my mother in to complain about the realism. My mom took me aside and asked me what what “those things” were. Without missing a beat, I said, “Pockets!”

    The problem wasn’t realism, it was the button flaps on those hideous western shirts from the seventies.

    • February 24, 2012 3:04 pm

      Fantastic story, Dena! If that was mine, I would’ve stretched that out, dramatized it up the wazoo and made it into a blog post. I would tell you I agree with you about the 70s western shirts being hideous if I hadn’t seen (and consequently fell in love with) John Travolta in Urban Cowboy.

      I was once called out in the hall to discuss why I drew poop coming out of my horse’s bottom (I guess there was an accompanying essay that added to my guilt) — but this pales in comparison to the porn you were pushing.

  13. John-Paul permalink
    February 24, 2012 12:56 pm

    Ok, I see that no one else is going to say it so I will. Look what your incredibly intelligent daughter has done with her name here. C’mon, what does the R look like? COME ON! Or, perhaps you prefer it another way, perhaps she is sending you a message… perhaps there is no R here, perhaps it reads Ma… Got… (thing that looks like an R but isn’t).

    Hang on, there some men in white coats at the door. I’ll be back in a moment….

    • February 24, 2012 3:11 pm

      Holy crap. You are insanely astute in your observations. And I believe “insanely” belongs in that statement. After the white men in coats pick you up, they may subject you to some inkblot testing. Just say “butterfly” to every one. Save yourself.

      P.S. I can assure you that Les from Best Bathroom Books would’ve noticed it if you hadn’t.

  14. February 24, 2012 6:31 pm

    Are those really your children’s names? I LOVE THEM. I always thought Margot was the dreamiest name. (Ever since Punky Brewster.) My favorite aunt uses it as her fake name for girls night out.

    • February 24, 2012 6:43 pm

      My son’s name is Jude (if it isn’t clear) but often people think it’s Jade. Then Margot was supposed to go by Maggie, but at age 2 when she learned her real name was Margot she decided that this was more suited for her. And she’s never looked back.

      Punky Brewster — holy cow, I forgot about that Margo/t! Thanks for adding in that gem. Your favorite aunt sounds like a gem herself.

  15. February 24, 2012 7:51 pm

    There is a lot of support for the “unit” theory, but I’m much more intrigued with the tail idea. It’s so much more…exotic.

    • February 25, 2012 3:50 pm

      You get points for originality. Doctors first believed that my daughter was a boy based on an early ultrasound — so we’ve always had a theory about a tail existing somewhere in the gene pool. Must be from my DNA.

  16. February 24, 2012 8:46 pm

    Those kids are giving Picasso a run for his money.
    (That’s Jim Picasso).

    • February 25, 2012 4:00 pm

      Yes, I believe I’ve seen an eerily similar drawing that Jim Picasso did called “Woman with a Penis”.

  17. February 25, 2012 2:50 pm

    I’m not sure what was funnier, the post itself, or the great comments! Good times had by all! :)

  18. February 25, 2012 5:42 pm

    These drawings are much better than the stick people that I am capable of drawing today.

    • February 26, 2012 3:02 pm

      I appreciate you validating my daughter’s obvious artist talent.

  19. Emily permalink
    February 29, 2012 1:37 am

    @Angie–I read somewhere that most four-year-olds still draw people with arms and legs coming directly from their heads, so if your daughter draws people with proper torsos, then she’s advanced for her age, and more so since she added teeth and eyelashes on some of the people. More than that, the fact that she labelled the pictures shows promise as well, especially since she got the silent “T” in “Margot.” So, I predict that pretty soon, she’ll be including fingers, clothing, and shoes on her drawings of people pretty soon.

    • March 2, 2012 8:20 pm

      I missed this comment — thanks for this. I am enrolling my daughter in the Art Institute as we speak. She’ll be like that elephant that did paintings that people spent millions on. I can’t wait to quit my job tomorrow.

      Seriously, thanks. I love thinking my daughter is a chip off the ol’ block since art used to be my thang.

  20. March 1, 2012 12:41 pm

    Fear not Angie…she simply ran a little short of room…but those are your LEGS…I repeat…LEGS…did you forget how you drew legs at that age…How is it I can still remember…well the long term memory is still there…It’s the short term memory that has failed me. Now what was I saying? Never mind…probably time for my nap!

    • March 1, 2012 3:41 pm

      I recall by this age that my drawings of people looked more like those of the Sistine Chapel.

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