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I’ve Seen the Future and It’s Tube Food

February 27, 2012

Last week, while perusing The Marcia Archives, I made an amazing, life-altering discovery.

This!

My children are ages four and two.  So, knowing it would be highly unethical to read my children’s private mail, not to mention a betrayal to the intentions of 1982-Angie, I decided I would refrain from tearing open the envelope with the sole purpose of exploiting its contents.

Instead, I called on an episode of Kate & Allie and used my steam iron.

As expected, within the envelope was a letter from 1982-Angie.  Much like Nostradamus’ eerie prediction that we would grow fins and live in underwater suburbs by the 21st Century, 1982-Angie’s prophetic words will astound you.

Thus, I’m sharing this letter today in hopes that you will learn from this voice of the past.

Dear Rosebush, Unicorna, Blinky, Rubik and Farrah,

Oh, my children.  I love you more than the fruit-flavored jelly-simulated substance inside of a Pop-Tart.

That’s why it is important for me to write you this letter and tell you what I know.

I have freckles.  I have blond hair.  My favorite Smurf is Smurfette.  My favorite food is frosting.

By now you are living it up in 2004 on your new planet.  Ron Reagan is continuing his father’s five-term legacy by serving as your 41st Commander in Chief.  Soon, in a dramatic upset, President Ron will fail the Pepsi Challenge, lose reelection, and Leif Garrett will return to power.

If I could stay up all night, first, I’d eat popcorn until I threw it up.  Then, I’d play UNO with my mom.  Finally, I’d put on fancy dresses, purple eye shadow and watch Falcon Crest.

As you sit eating your packaged astronaut dinners, you may be surprised to know that people in 1982 once ate their food whole and served on plates.  Yes.  While we here in 1982 are gobbling down our push-up pops and cherry chapstick, we can only dream of the day when all food comes packaged in tubes.

Sometimes I pretend Tenderheart Bear and my Cabbage Patch Kid fist-fight over who will sleep next to me.  Sometimes I make them say, “She loves me best.”  “No, me.”  “No, me.”  “I’m gonna rip out your yarn hair, bitch.”  And so on and so forth.

My financial advisors tell me you should buy stock in apples.

“And she’ll tease you.  She’ll disease you.  All the better just to peas you.  She’s a locust.  And she knows just what it takes to make a toe brush.  All the boys think she’s a spaz.  She’s got Bette Davis eyes.”

I like that song.

I have a really bad feeling about a man named Ryan Seacrest.  Do not trust him.  He’s what we call back here in ‘82 “a buttmunch farthead dickweedface”.

One time I fell off my bike and got a piece of gravel stuck in my forehead.  My mom picked it out with her eyebrow tweezers.

Well, my Shrinky Dinks are in the oven so I better skedaddle.  But I want to leave you with an important piece of advice.  Listen to Dolly — working 9 to 5 is no way to make a livin’.  Do what you love.  Look at me, by now I’ve fulfilled my dream of running a profitable mylar balloon store.

Yours truly,

1982-Angie

P.S.  What’s your favorite color?  Mine’s rainbow.

71 Comments leave one →
  1. February 27, 2012 6:12 am

    Wait a minute — I thought by now we’d be eating soylent green. (Yum, I’m having breakfast now.)

    • February 28, 2012 6:52 pm

      I saw a low budget horror film once on the USA channel where they ate really great sausage that was processed from humans. Like that?

  2. February 27, 2012 6:14 am

    There is so much to love about this, I don’t even know where to begin…the forewarning of the impending media takeover by Ryan Seacrest; Commander-in-Chief Leif Garrett; bitch-slapping Care Bears and Cabbage Patch kids; gobbling cherry chapstick—genius. But by far, my favorite where the lyrics to Bette Davis Eyes. I like your lyrics better.

    • February 28, 2012 6:56 pm

      After writing this post, I was pleased to learn that Sacha Baron Cohen is aware that Ryan Seacrest must be stopped at all costs. Well done.

      I hope that Bette Davis Eyes will be rerecorded with the lyrics that the universe intended.

  3. February 27, 2012 6:15 am

    My favorite were, not where…oh my lord. I ate too much chapstick this morning.

    • February 28, 2012 6:58 pm

      I admit that I’m a bit wasted on its waxy goodness at the present moment.

  4. February 27, 2012 6:56 am

    I ate cherry chapstick, too. That smell was so alluring and then there was that first, waxy bite and the disappointment that followed. Must have been the toxic fumes emitted from the melting plastic of the Shrinky Dinks that made me think Chapstick would be good to eat.

    • February 28, 2012 7:00 pm

      Some felt disappointment, others felt a rush of the intense pleasure that comes from eating wax.

      Just think how much better Shrinky Dinks would’ve been had they emitted a cherry scent.

  5. February 27, 2012 7:02 am

    In 1984, I “invented” the Butter-Upper. It was a Chapstik-like butter applier, meant to revolutionize the task of toast buttering. I just knew it was my direct path to becoming a millionaire and I painfully spread the word via corded phone and sent samples to all my friends and family ($0.14 stamp each…whew!). Well, here I am, nearly 30 years later, waiting for the lotto and growing veggies in my backyard. Maybe I should have covered up the “Speed Stick Deodorant” label first…

    Why aren’t those lyrics in your other post? That’s how I’m gonna sing Bette Davis Eyes from now on.

    http://childhoodrelived.com/2011/09/19/say-say-say-what/

    • February 28, 2012 7:04 pm

      Oh, wow, Shannon. Just when you think you know someone, you learn they’re just as crazy as you are. Hilarious. No, really. Hilarious. And I don’t mean it’s funny because it’s absurd. You’ve completely sold me on the concept. But using an old Speed Stick Deodorant bar as your test model? That’s just too much.

      Yeah, those Bette Davis lyrics may have been forgotten until the moment I read 1982-Angie’s letter. Until then, I believed it didn’t get much worse than Roy the Robot.

  6. February 27, 2012 7:28 am

    Mmmm cherry chapstick. I had one cherry and one mint and I would sit in class and lick them when no one was looking. Hey, there are worse habits.

    I cannot believe you are so lucky as to have this letter! How thrilling!

    • February 28, 2012 7:06 pm

      Mint! How yummy! I had chocolate chapstick, too — my mom ordered it from Avon. But much like chocolate-flavored candy or chocolate-flavored soda, it never really tasted like chocolate. I think I actually used that chapstick for its intended purpose.

      This letter may not have seen the light of day had I not been looking for an old childhood drawing to one-up my daughter.

  7. February 27, 2012 7:32 am

    I hope this doesn’t mean that you missed out on astro-pops, which tasted like sugared mud but were definitely a futuristic treat.

    • February 28, 2012 7:10 pm

      Astro-pop! I forgot about that! Yes, I’m certain it was exactly the sort of thing Elroy Jetson would’ve whined about needing.

  8. February 27, 2012 8:20 am

    Unicorna and Rubik are going to blown over by this genius when they come of age. I used to insist on buying astronaut ice cream every time we went to the children’s museum. Then I would but into the the chalky, flaky stuff and remember I hated it. Good times!

    • February 28, 2012 7:12 pm

      Astronaut ice cream. Ugh, that stuff was the worst! I expected it to be like regular ice cream and actually cold. I think a classmate brought some to share with the class once. Thanks a lot, buddy.

  9. February 27, 2012 8:29 am

    Man, my letter to my kids is written to Suzy and Bobby. What clever names you came up with. And my favorite color was green, always, but my sister told me it meant I was horny. Such shame.

    • February 28, 2012 7:16 pm

      Ha! Is that what green means? I remember having a friendship pin kit that came with a color translation card for the beads. That’s when I learned green meant “enemy”. Nice. So nice that some toy bead company actually encouraged kids to give their classmates symbols for “I hate your guts.”

      P.S. What letter? Do you have one, too? You better scan and publish that thing. Do it for Suzy and Bobby’s sake.

      • Emily permalink
        February 29, 2012 12:16 pm

        What if you just had a friend whose favourite colour was green?

      • March 1, 2012 11:03 am

        That friend would probably have a masochistic, self-loathing type of psychological affliction. That would be your warning to stay clear of her.

  10. February 27, 2012 8:46 am

    Are you sure that letter wasn’t from the 1980-Darla?

    Kate and Allie! Oh! Loved them so much. Sigh. Those were the days my friend.

    I read your lyrics with the toe brush and passed out laughing. Thank you.

    I am still holding out hope that one day our country’s future will become brighter once Leif Garrett is in power.

    • February 27, 2012 8:49 am

      Oh, before I go–about Ryan Buttmunch Seacrest. Yeah. He got some ashes dumped on him at the Oscar’s last night by Sasha Baron Cohen. Good stuff. Totally fake and staged, but still, he comes out looking like even more of a complete dolt (not that that is a challenge for him in any way)

    • February 28, 2012 7:23 pm

      I think 1980-Darla would’ve had much more sense than to name her kid Unicorna. Not to mention, 1980-Darla’s 1980-brothers probably would’ve found that letter and saw to it that it was used only to advance their evil scheming.

      Leif Garrett. How I miss 1977-Leif. I’d even be happy with 1983-Leif, despite his playing an ultra-creep in The Outsiders.

  11. February 27, 2012 9:37 am

    Food in tubes, I was sure there would be mention of Yoplait’s Go-Gurt. A disgusting name for a presumably awful snack (and I love yogurt).

    • February 28, 2012 7:27 pm

      You are so right about that, Matt! Thank you — I’ve been wondering why that stuff completely repulses me when I pass by it at the grocery store. Wasn’t Go-Gurt a guy on Fraggle Rock?

  12. February 27, 2012 9:43 am

    What a treasure this paper time capsule is! It was practically your duty to humanity to steam it open.

    1982 Jackie had a pretty impressive command of the language. There also seems to be an unlimited supply of pictures of her. Did your parents work for Kodak? When I was a kid, you had to sit still for 1/2 hour while the photographer fiddled with that long, squeegy thing filled with gunpowder and then stuck his head under a tent to take the picture. So you only had one picture in your entire life and you always looked constipated.

    • February 27, 2012 10:58 am

      Who the heck is Jackie? On heroin again, Peg? I thought you kicked that thing. (By the way, this is the second time in a week that your comment forced me out of obscurity and back onto my blog, well before I have a chance to respond to any of the other comments.)

      • February 27, 2012 11:19 am

        I have ALSO seen the future and you change your name to Jackie. You’ll need all new towels – bummer.

    • February 28, 2012 7:33 pm

      I revisited this comment and — aside from thinking I hit my head, have amnesia and must now have to grow accustomed to this name that does not sound like my own — I said a silent prayer for the children of the 60s who suffered through having only one picture that forever preserved them looking constipated.

      New towels, yes, but thankfully I don’t have to get a new personalized pocket comb since my aunt so wisely bought me “No Cavities”.

  13. February 27, 2012 12:35 pm

    Unicorna and Rubik, really?

    • February 28, 2012 7:38 pm

      I’ll have you know, Lisa, that Unicorna is my daughter’s middle name. At the moment, she is thrilled for that. In twenty years, she’ll probably join a cult that allows her to go by Sister.

  14. February 27, 2012 2:15 pm

    Your future-kids have the best names EVER!

    • February 28, 2012 7:41 pm

      Thanks! I almost want to have a few more kids just so I can use these names. Feel free to take whatever you want for your own future kids. Except for Unicorna. Hands off that one.

  15. mary permalink
    February 27, 2012 7:32 pm

    Oh, Jackie, you never cease to make me laugh. My fave line, “Mine’s rainbow.”

    • February 28, 2012 8:15 pm

      I always love when you stop in, Mary. Let me know when you’re up and running on twitter.

  16. February 27, 2012 8:07 pm

    Too bad Beyonce and Jay-Z didn’t have your help when picking out their kid’s name. Clearly you could’ve chosen something better and even more creative than Blue Ivy.

    I love that you were clearly expecting twins or triplets (more than that didn’t exist back then), since your (multiple) children were to turn 9 at the same time.

    • February 28, 2012 8:17 pm

      Hey, you’re right, CC. Perhaps 1982-Angie expected they would individually steam-open the letter when they turned 9 and then resealed it for the next in line to turn 9. Okay, yeah, that sounds a little complicated, doesn’t it? Well, quintuplets it is then.

  17. February 27, 2012 9:10 pm

    Oh my God, that’s frickin’ hilarious. I even remember Rinky Dinks. I remember the Star Wars and Tom & Jerry ones we got in packets of Shredded Wheat in England.

    What a trip :D

    • February 28, 2012 8:21 pm

      I’m glad to hear Shrinky Dinks made it across the Atlantic to you all. Otherwise, I’d be quite sad for the little kids of England who never got to experience the joy of melting colored plastic in the oven.

  18. John-Paul permalink
    February 27, 2012 10:35 pm

    Oh lord. Ryan Seacrest. Out!

    (Please, please, get Out!)

    I don’t know what a shrinky-dink is but I think I want one.

    • February 27, 2012 11:59 pm

      Shrinky Dinks were awesome. They were small sheets of plastic, with a circular hole at the top. You coloured in the picture on the plastic and then – this is the truly magic part – you put the plastic in the oven and baked the thing at 300 degrees or gas mark 4 or whatever for 5 or 10 minutes or something.

      By the time the thing was done cooking, it had shrunk to something about an inch square – you threaded a length of string through the hole and then you put the thing around your neck and wore it like some kind of magical talisman.

      You couldn’t get much better than a Shrinky Dink when you were ten.

      (My apologies to Angie if i stole your thunder on this… couldn’t resist…)

      • February 28, 2012 8:34 pm

        No, I’m glad you stepped in to explain the wonder of Shrinky Dinks. And I think you did a bang-up job. All I really remember is peering into my mother’s oven window at hot melting plastic that resembled cartoon characters. I would add that we made a few into Christmas tree ornaments, as we did with most everything.

    • February 28, 2012 8:25 pm

      Okay, now I’m sad for the little kids of New Zealand who never got to experience the joy of melting colored plastic in the oven. Apparently us American and English kids used up your country’s designated allotment.

  19. February 27, 2012 11:19 pm

    Is there really filling in Pop Tarts? Every year they keep saying they’ve added more but I can’t tell. I still can’t believe you keep finding stuff that’s old. Was your mom a hoarder?

    • February 28, 2012 8:28 pm

      Regarding my mother’s hoarding habits, that’s a very good question, Les. I don’t recall growing-up amid economy-sized boxes of cereal stacked on the furniture. Perhaps she stored all our wares inside the hollow of a Pop-Tart since those damn things were never filled with much anyway.

      • March 1, 2012 10:24 am

        Economy-sized boxes of cereal stacked on the furniture are super-couponers. Empty cereal boxes and dirty cereal bowls (with curdled milk and bugs) strewn haphazardly around on top of plastic bags full of stuffed bunnies wearing pinafores – THOSE are hoarders.

        You’re getting your reality shows confused, Angie/Jackie.

      • March 1, 2012 10:34 am

        Every so often someone will reference a TV show that I’ve never seen and make me wonder it was a poor decision to cancel our cable. That didn’t happen just now.

      • March 1, 2012 10:40 am

        Have you ever considered installing the WordPress “Blowing milk out of my nose” button on your blog? For when the “like” button just isn’t enough?

      • March 1, 2012 11:05 am

        I’ve considered adding an “I just wet myself and I’ll be sending you the dry cleaning bill” button on your blog. But then, I don’t have access to your WordPress account.

      • March 1, 2012 11:25 am

        Funny, most people just machine wash their sweatpants.

  20. February 28, 2012 12:37 pm

    I never really knew what a “Shrinkydink” was exactly. I need to google it.

    OMG, Ryan Seacrest IS a buttmunch!! Arrgh!

    Have a great day! :)

    • February 28, 2012 8:29 pm

      Ms. Jolly Blogger, please refer to the above comment by thelastsongiheard. He explained a Shrinky Dink quite well. Indeed, he might’ve written its entry in wikipedia.

  21. russelllindsey permalink
    February 28, 2012 5:54 pm

    Reblogged this on Ramblings of a Misguided Blonde and commented:
    Wow. I do not even know where to begin with this one. Angie Z. strikes again. Come for the fight between Cabbage Patch Kid and Care Bear – my money’s on the Cabbage Patch Kid – stay for the cherry chapstick. If you haven’t discovered Childhood Relived yet … Go. Now.

    • February 28, 2012 8:35 pm

      Gee, thanks, Lindsey. I appreciate not only the reblog but the kind words.

      • russelllindsey permalink
        February 28, 2012 8:37 pm

        You’re welcome. It did make my day :D

  22. russelllindsey permalink
    February 28, 2012 6:01 pm

    Angie, I can’t begin to tell you how much I love this post. I can visualize the fight between Cabbage Patch Kid vs. Care Bear, Smurfette was my favorite too, and I still love to devour cherry chapstick. And Ryan Seacrest LMFAO. Nice touch mentioning Apple too … ala Forrest Gump.

    Love. It.

    Lindsey

    • February 28, 2012 8:39 pm

      I still can’t believe that there were all those smurfs and only one female. What is it, hell or something? Why no other chicks? I always felt bad for Smurfette having to deal with all those bozos.

      Holy cow, did I take inspiration from Forrest Gump? I can tell you it was totally unintentional. That show has long since left my memory in order to make room for episodes of 60s sitcom reruns and, as of late, Downton Abbey.

      • russelllindsey permalink
        February 28, 2012 8:51 pm

        I was going to mention Smurfette’s situation, but decided against. The poor girl has a pretty bad reputation, but it isn’t even her fault! LOL Unless she CHOSE to live with all those men. LOL

        Just seeing the Apple reference brought to mind Forrest Gump, that’s all. LOVE that movie.

        Lindsey

  23. Emily permalink
    February 28, 2012 10:04 pm

    Angie, you know I love your blog, but is that letter authentic? How old were you when you wrote that?

    • March 1, 2012 10:03 am

      Oh, Emily! You’re really going to make me tell the truth, are you? Okay, the truth is that the envelope in the photograph above is 100% authentic and I did find it just last week. I have no idea what age I was when I wrote it. I’m thinking 7 if I do the math correctly (1981-1982 school year). I opted to leave it sealed. The letter above? Yeah, I wasn’t quite that precocious. I had a book as a kid that was supposed to be a get-to-know-me and I was honestly supposed to leave it for my children to one day read (don’t ask me where it is now). It asked me several questions like what I would do if I could stay up late and I have my exact answer listed above. Much of the rest of it is true, though taken from memory rather than an actual letter.

      • Emily permalink
        March 1, 2012 1:16 pm

        Oh, okay, that makes more sense. :)

  24. February 28, 2012 10:17 pm

    Hahahahahaha!
    My friend and I danced and made up routines to Betty Davis Eyes.
    “And she’ll tease you. She’ll disease you. All the better just to peas you. She’s a locust. And she knows just what it takes to make a toe brush. All the boys think she’s a spaz. She’s got Bette Davis eyes.”
    THAT. IS. BRILLIANT!!!!

    This is nothing but greatness, Angie. Man. You rock.

    • March 1, 2012 10:08 am

      Lenore, when you post your upcoming vlog (soon, right?), you will have to do a recreation of that dance routine you made up to Bette Davis Eyes. This will follow Darla’s vlog where she demonstrates her baton throwing. Maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll then do a vlog where I pull out my french horn and perform a marching band rendition of Smoke on the Water.

      • March 1, 2012 11:49 am

        It would be a Trifeca of of Fabulous. We must work together to make this happen.

  25. February 29, 2012 6:20 am

    All of modern science has been leading up to the point of tube food: it is mankind’s biggest dream. Also, in the future the updated American dream will be to have the ability to wear sweatpants all day

    • March 1, 2012 10:18 am

      Really, is there anything that would change our society more than to one day take in all our food through tubes? We can sit in our sweatpants on the couch and squeeze dehydrated macaroni and cheese into our mouths without having to move our jaws to chew. That way no crunching sounds will disrupt our reruns of Seinfeld.

  26. February 29, 2012 8:24 pm

    If only you’d opened this letter ten years ago, we might have been spared a decade of Ryan Seacrest.

    • March 1, 2012 10:28 am

      I’m surprised a Back to the Future pupil would state such a thing. Doc Brown indicated that circumventing the future would have disastrous results. For all we know, Ryan Seacrest is like our Czar Nicholas II. Without him in power, perhaps Simon Cowell would take over in the way of Joseph Stalin. And if that happens, the X Factor will be here to stay.

  27. March 1, 2012 9:16 pm

    Hehehehe… I don’t know any of y’all from Adam or Eve, but – as my son J and I would say – y’all are bonkers. This post and it’s replies is easily one of the funniest things I’ve read anywhere.

    • March 2, 2012 8:24 pm

      I have to brag that I have world-class readers/commenters that stop by my blog. They say funny shit. And I pay them to pitch me some slow balls that I can actually hit. Thanks for stopping by again!

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