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Intern for Hire!

March 9, 2012

I need an intern to find out if you hate this. (It's the sweater, isn't it?)

This blog is in crisis.  And I mean, as I write this, it is spinning out of control.

I haven’t posted since Monday, which is like 30 days ago in blog-time.

I’m also falling behind in my blog reading, and my blogger friends have sent out a search party.  (Truthfully, they called off the search party and have left me to die.)

I have new blog followers, and I haven’t the time to even look at their names, let alone read their blogs, let alone weed out the ones named sexsuppliesforyou.com.

I need an intern.

In a past life, I used to hire interns.  They came in quite handy when I worked for a political campaign.

So much work to do.  And not enough time to do it.

Couldn’t we find a monkey to stuff these envelopes?  No!  The Humane Society frowns upon that.  What about an intern?  Yes!

So much money on hand.  And so much money needed for expensive TV ads.

Do we need to pay the interns?  Of course not!  They’ll be honored just to be in our presence.  They’ll be thrilled if we simply pay attention to them.  They’ll practically beg us to let them work for free.  

So nothing?  Just smiles and generous pats on the back?  

Okay, so maybe we could give them some free promotional t-shirts.  But we’ll only give them free promotional t-shirts if they show up at 10 am on a Saturday on a 95-degree day in July and hold a sign in a parade.

I don’t have free promotional t-shirts.  But I promise, if you work for me, I will never, ever make you hold a sign in a parade.

But how do you feel about state fairs?  I’m kidding.  County fairs?

So a little bit more about the position.  I make lots of coffee.  I buy real cream.  I’ve been known to make a mean mess of chocolate chip scones.  This can all be yours.

Things I need you to do.  First, respond to my fan mail.  I get a lot of it.

Here are a few examples of my recent fan mail:

Dear Angie,

Will you please write about Pee-wee Herman?  I loved Pee-wee!  I practically flunked out of college because my roommate and I could never leave the house to attend class whenever Pee-wee’s Playhouse was on.

Oh, that and I drank too much beer.

Shannon

(Shannon, you can stop drinking now because I’ll get this done once I hire my intern.)

Dear Angie,

You know that bit you did on the really old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial?  Well, it was kinda dumb because that commercial is now on TV all the time.  Most people don’t even know it’s old.

You should’ve written about Bonkers.  Remember — “Bonkers, the candy that bonks you out!”  LOL!

Jeff

For the record, Jeff, I don’t have Cable TV.  So I wasn’t aware that the old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial is now on all the time.

Here’s another fan letter:

Dear Angie,

Will you please stop writing about how you don’t have Cable TV.  We get it.  Do you want a medal?  It’s not like you’re Laura Ingalls Wilder or anything.

Your friend in modern times,

Jeff

Second, I need my intern to do a probability analysis for me.  See, I got on WordPress’ Recommended Reading page, here.  (Cough, cough.  Ahem.)

I confess. This is not my original photography. I could not work a camera when I was 3.

So it rotates a few blogs every time you search the Humor tab.  Some days, mine comes up relatively often.  Some days, hardly at all.  But some blogger punks I know, like Jessseker and Peg-o-Leg and Becoming Cliché and The Good Greatsby, come up practically every time you search the tab.

Yes, I know that’s because their blogs are much better than mine.  And, yes, I know that’s because they never use pirated photos of Shaun Cassidy.  But I still want to know the exact probability that a person searching this tab would end up seeing my blog versus their blogs.  Then I need this prepared in a weekly report.  Then I need you to never, ever show them these reports.

Third, I need you to keep me abreast of demographic data.  I’ve prepared a sample report for you based on my most recent blog post:

Your Last Blog Post

Your Post’s Reading Level:  98.7% comprehensible to 10-12 year olds

Your Post’s Pop Culture References:  98.7% comprehensible to 30-40 year olds, 20.3% comprehensible to 20-30 year olds, 10.1% comprehensible to 50-60 year olds, and 3.3% comprehensible to readers who live in Australia, England and New Zebra Zealand.

Your Post’s Readership Age Demographics:  90% of readers were 60-70 year olds (i.e. your parents and relatives), 10% were 30-40 year olds (i.e. your husband).

Fourth, I need you to read this book that my husband bought me for Christmas.  I’m sure there’s some good stuff in here.  Stuff I could write about.  Stuff I forgot about.  Stuff that would make me say, “Oh my God!  I forgot about that stuff!”  (I like stuff that makes me say that.)

Finally, I need you to gather some market research and facilitate some focus groups to test the popularity of each encyclopedia entry.  And then I need you to prepare it for me in a report.  Such as this:

Focus groups show tremendous interest in reading about what happened to Michael Jackson’s pet chimp Bubbles.  

Polling shows that 93% of people don’t give two shits about Shaun Cassidy (or even one).

(These were just examples.  I can assure you the polling would reflect that people love my many blog references to Shaun Cassidy.  Although, the Bubbles research is entirely accurate.)

So that’s about it.  Free coffee.  Free work.  Oh, wait!  Also, you get to work with me.  I hear that’s really fun.  Here’s a quote from a former coworker:

I loved working with Angie!  She’s so fun!

A Former Coworker

P.S.  Her coffee tastes like she needs to clean the pot.  Probably needs to run some vinegar through it.  As her intern, maybe you could do that?

And then here’s another one:

I loved working with Angie!  She’s so fun that I almost forgot about the fact that she never paid me!

A Former Intern

P.S.  I have $112,000 worth of tuition debt.

So there you have it.  Please submit to me a resume with your qualifications.  Include with it a list of references (grade school teachers, 80s pop singers who are living or dead, etc.)  Also, please attach an essay on the following:  “Scott Baio:  Is he Chachi or is he Charles in Charge?”

I look forward to hearing from you.

78 Comments leave one →
  1. March 9, 2012 10:31 am

    God Angie, this is THE BEST job posting I have ever read! If I could go back to when I was an intern in 1997, I would totally be your intern. And just for the record, I want, I want, I want Scott Baio in charge of me!

    • March 10, 2012 8:57 pm

      If this were 1997, I’d say, you’re hired! I know you could contribute some amazing reports on the fashion contributions of Murder She Wrote. I wouldn’t credit you of course since you’d only be an intern. But in time you may be able to get your own byline.

  2. March 9, 2012 10:43 am

    Thanks for spelling out just exactly what it means to be an intern. I never gave it much thought before, but they really do get screwed (pardon by crude language, but there was no better way to say it).

  3. March 9, 2012 10:48 am

    I would ask to be your intern, but I’m in the Philippines. :c

    • March 10, 2012 9:00 pm

      In time I expect I’ll have interns all over the globe.

      • March 10, 2012 9:22 pm

        Dont forget about me. I like free tshirts.lol!

  4. March 9, 2012 11:12 am

    It would be fun to work with you, but I’m at the point where I either need an intern of my own or I need to quit my full time job and focus on my non-paying blog.

    For the record, I LOVED Shaun Cassidy and Scott Baio will always be Chachi in my eyes.

    • March 10, 2012 9:03 pm

      I’ll ask my intern if s/he can recruit other interns for other bloggers like you. That is, right after I assign my intern his/her first project, to answer this question in essay form: “If Shaun Cassidy and Scott Baio were to scrap, whose hair would unfeather first?” I consider this my intern’s make or break moment.

  5. March 9, 2012 11:17 am

    Hahaha! I must be an intern for my family! I do all of that and more with zero pay as well. Sorry, Angie…I can only handle one “intern” position at a time. :)

    • March 10, 2012 9:06 pm

      Yeah, I suppose I can’t do that to your family. But let me know what they’re paying you and I’ll double it! (What is 0 X 2?)

  6. skynyrdgyrl81 permalink
    March 9, 2012 11:29 am

    I would totes be your intern. I read From ABBA to Zoom like three years ago so we’re all set there. Plus I know all sorts of awesome random crap. Like remember my comment about and Alan Thicke and The Facts of Life? Well I found out he also wrote the theme to Wheel of Fortune. I mean seriously, how that man not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? I was much more of a Leif Garrett girl myself.

    • March 10, 2012 9:09 pm

      Every time you stop by with some random nugget of pop culture trivia, I’m left feeling delighted, enlightened and a tiny bit pissed that I didn’t know it first.

      Unfortunately, Leif’s hot factor had a very short shelf life. 1977-Leif HOT. 1987-Leif NOT.

  7. March 9, 2012 11:41 am

    Angie, i think you hit on a brilliant idea. But you shouldn’t be so selfish. Why don’t we ALL hire interns, and then have a huge bloggers meeting in the Caribbean where we can all sip tasty fruit drinks filled with rum and come up with new ideas for blog posts based on what other bloggers do while under the influence?

  8. March 9, 2012 12:03 pm

    I will be tagging all posts henceforth with “Shaun Cassidy.” Let the chips fall where they may. Or CHiPs. Whichever.

    • March 10, 2012 9:16 pm

      I think I will be tagging all posts henceforth with “Erik Estrada.”

  9. Tony permalink
    March 9, 2012 12:12 pm

    I discourage getting an intern because that would be like having a live in maid and you know how that ended up on Who’s The Boss? Yeah, that doofus from Taxi getting married to … Angela.

    • March 10, 2012 9:17 pm

      Who’s the Boss ended up wonderfully, are you kidding me? They jumped the shark and lived happily ever after. I suppose maybe I should get a female intern.

  10. March 9, 2012 12:27 pm

    Whoa, whoa, whoa….back it up a sec. Have you lost your mind? Is there any doubt who’d make a great intern for you? Think hard, Angie….here are a few hints…

    She’s a huge Shaun Cassidy fan (possibly bigger than you) and even posted about him once upon a time. She spent many a lonely night weeping over his posters.

    She’s extremely bitter that she’s never been on any of the WordPress ‘Recommended Pages’ because she is always filed under ‘technology’ or lame ‘parenting’. (Curse Greatsby and Pegoleg! I’m tellin’ ya, they aren’t real humans but highly advanced WP robots)

    She’ll work for Skittles and coffee and, most importantly, the sheer joy of being near such bloggy greatness as yourself. Any guesses?

    • March 10, 2012 9:24 pm

      Of course you were the first one to come to my mind, Darla. And of course I know you’re the most qualified. And you have a monkey named Mr. Skittles and he of course comes to mind as another great intern with a lot of potential. Okay, I’ll be honest. Mr. Skittles is really the one I’d like to hire. Is that wormy that I’m using you to get to Mr. Skittles?

      You should be on WordPress’ Recommended page under Dixie Cup Lists and Greeting Card Poems at the very least.

      • March 11, 2012 5:51 pm

        I knew it! It’s always about the monkey. Well, I tried. I’ll ship him to you tomorrow morning with a fresh package of circus peanuts.

  11. John-Paul permalink
    March 9, 2012 2:40 pm

    Once I walked past a man in a gorilla costume eating bananas riding an exercycle that powered a big light. He was a university student “working” for a radio station doing a promotional stunt. This crossed so many boundaries simultaneously that my brain overloaded and I started dribbling out the side of my mouth. Thank god slavery has been abolished that’s all I can say.

    • March 10, 2012 9:29 pm

      That is hilarious! Oh, wow, do I want that job. That almost tops the job of the guy I sometimes see in a chef’s hat flipping a metal whisk in the air outside of a culinary store next to a busy intersection filled with gawking motorists. Almost.

  12. March 9, 2012 2:47 pm

    Hmmm, starting to feel like what I’m doing on my own blog. Can’t help you out. Though my husband is quite a help. Can’t you train yours? ; )

    • March 10, 2012 9:32 pm

      My husband is already serving as my personal editor. Prior to publishing a new post, he’s the one who sometimes reads my stuff and says, “What the hell does that mean?” Which may mean my reference to Nell Carter of Gimme A Break is way too obscure.

      • March 11, 2012 12:20 pm

        Yes, my husband serves that role also. He wears many hats, especially when it involves technology and my lack of understanding it. One night he finally did say to me, “I do have some of my own stuff to do too.” What? This was news.

      • March 17, 2012 9:23 pm

        Really? What could be more important than our needs?

  13. Emily permalink
    March 9, 2012 3:09 pm

    I could do it, but……are you serious about research and focus groups? I mean, this blog is called “Childhood Relived,” so I thought the point of it was to write about funny things from your childhood, not about what people think is popular now. But, I like to write, and I sort of grew up in the 80’s (I started kindergarten in 1989), so yeah, interning with this blog sounds like fun. :)

    • March 10, 2012 9:35 pm

      (See above comment reply.) Without proper research and strategically formed focus groups, that means you can expect future posts entirely devoted to Nell Carter of Gimme A Break and the TBS-channel’s little-known 1986 amateur sitcom Rocky Road. Enjoy!

  14. March 9, 2012 3:51 pm

    I don’t have pirated photos of Shaun Cassidy all over the place because
    1) I can’t figure out how to copy them. You have mad techno skills. Like that screen shot of the Recommended page – how’d you do that? I keep telling my family I’m really, really famous and they should bring me breakfast (and dinner) in bed. They just respond with this combined eyeroll/snort that is so annoying. I need proof.
    2) I’m old enough to be Shaun Cassidy’s mom, so that would be rather creepy.

    I’m with Elyse on the Caribbean meeting. Have your intern set that up for us, hmm?

    • March 10, 2012 9:41 pm

      1.) Google image search + right click on photo + save as = Voila! Pirated photo. You’re kidding, right? Or are you just that inherently ethical? I have a strict policy now of only ripping off photos of TV shows, movies or washed-up former celebrities. So hopefully all of those entities will appreciate my free promotion.

      How can my mad techno skills compete with your ability to encase your photos in green plaid?

      2.) Um, Shaun Cassidy is 53.

      I’ll get back to you with some possible cruise dates.

      • March 11, 2012 9:29 am

        No way, really? Well then HE is old enough to be MY…older brother.

        But how did you get a screen shot of the Recommended Page? Although I haven’t seen myself on there lately, despite checking obsessively a couple thousand times per day, so I think somebody tipped off the WP gods to the error and they gave me the axe. I’m KIDDING about the couple of thousand times, BTW. Ha ha! Really.

  15. March 9, 2012 4:58 pm

    I had troubling concentrating on your plea for an intern because of the Shaun Cassidy eye candy. When you get your intern, can it do some light housecleaning for me? Just when s/he has a few extra hours and a propensity to locate thousands of Fisher Price toys scattered throughout the house.

    • March 10, 2012 9:45 pm

      I’m reminded of an episode of Portlandia in which the singer Aimee Mann cleans a couple’s house. I believe you’re familiar with this TV reference so, if you can keep this in mind, I would like to rewrite that skit with Shaun Cassidy in an apron and rubber gloves helping you locate thousands of Fisher Price toys scattered throughout your house. It’s as adorable as it is demeaning.

  16. March 9, 2012 9:07 pm

    I can be your intern because, although I didn’t have a crush on Shaun Cassidy, my sister used to tell me I looked just like David Cassidy.

    • March 10, 2012 12:20 pm

      Ouch! That had to hurt.

      • March 10, 2012 9:49 pm

        Are you kidding? David Cassidy was quite a pretty man. He made Susan Dey look like Danny Bonaduce.

    • March 10, 2012 9:46 pm

      Wow, since they’re half-brothers, you’re practically related to Shaun. You’re hired!

  17. March 10, 2012 12:03 am

    I vote for Charles in Charge because he was in charge of our days and our nights. And wasn’t there a hot blonde in that show? (I was 14 when that came in on England. And being English, you’re right, that was one of the few pop references I understood. However, having lived in the US for nearly 8 years, I think my understanding is slightly above your estimate. Perhaps 11%.)

    • March 10, 2012 9:53 pm

      Yeah, after Charles was in charge of said-hot blonde, she ran away and became a Baywatch floozie. And then she hooked up Scott Baio with Pamela Anderson and they all lived happily ever after in a Reality TV commune.

      11% is impressive. Your understanding is slightly above the 50-60 year old Americans. That’s nothing to sneeze at.

      • March 10, 2012 10:27 pm

        LOL I actually scored higher than most Americans on the US history test you have to take for citizenship too…

      • March 11, 2012 6:55 am

        That actually isn’t saying much. ;)

  18. Emily permalink
    March 10, 2012 11:32 am

    I think Shaun Cassidy was a bit before my time, but I confess to having had a huge crush on Will Smith when I was twelve or thirteen, and watced reruns of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” almost every day after school.

    • March 10, 2012 9:56 pm

      I was more of a Carton kind of girl. Those pleated pants and pastel sweaters loosely tied around his shoulders. Rrrrrrow.

  19. March 10, 2012 1:56 pm

    I’m impressed/sympathetic that you are on WP suggested reading for humor, got the Freshly Pressed and are swamped with new readers. What’s it like? Is it a lot of pressure? Can we expect you to be on drugs soon and spin out of control?
    I think the comeback post will be your greatest yet.

    • March 10, 2012 10:10 pm

      Leave it to you to take it to the highest level of comment comedy. Yes, following my drugging and following my rehab, I promise that my comeback will be well worth the wait. It will even outdo that time in 1968 that Elvis lost enough weight to squeeze his fat butt into a black leather suit.

  20. March 10, 2012 5:06 pm

    If you’d asked me earlier, Ang, I would gladly have done it for you…but I think you’ve gotten too big for your Aunt Doris! Best of luck, though…maybe you just need to ignore the stupid replies??

    • March 10, 2012 10:02 pm

      Yeah, dumb comments. Who needs them anyway. From now on, I’ll only reply to yours, Aunt Doris. :)

  21. Dr Adam Bricker permalink
    March 10, 2012 7:13 pm

    You made me laugh with your no cable TV comment. We don’t have a TV and of course 2 out of 2 pieces of mail we received today were junk mail from cable companies because “you are spending too much money on TV!”

    • March 10, 2012 10:01 pm

      Dr. Bricker. I’ve missed your face around here! It’s no wonder that you don’t have a TV considering you are Dr. Bricker and have little time to do much of anything while you’re off commanding the Love Boat.

  22. russelllindsey permalink
    March 10, 2012 7:31 pm

    Reblogged this on Ramblings of a Misguided Blonde and commented:
    I am beginning to need an intern as well!

    • March 10, 2012 9:59 pm

      Thanks, Lindsey! I’ve come to find through this post that most of us need interns. They say that the economy is bad and unemployment is soaring but are they aware of all the job potential that exists on the couches of unpaid bloggers? Now, if we could only find a way to pay them . . .

      • russelllindsey permalink
        March 10, 2012 10:02 pm

        Oh, I certainly agree about the job potential among bloggers.

        My Mom and I were just talking about this. She doesn’t fully understand the concept of blogging, nor the idea that it difficult to make money from blogging. LOL

        Lindsey

  23. Emily permalink
    March 11, 2012 12:24 pm

    If I were your intern, I think I’d like to start by writing about all the things from my childhood that would be considered dangerous now, but were really, really fun then–like the Twirlybird at the playground, that consisted of a pole with a small wheel/gear thing on top, with a chain hanging down. The chain had a handle on it, and the idea was to grab the handle, run in a circle (as there was a round sand pit around the Twirlybird), lift your feet, and “fly” for a few seconds. It was a practical (and exhilirating) lesson in physics, and mastering the Twirlybird was something of a rite of passage for most kids, like learning to ride a bike, or landing your first cartwheel (although, I actually learned cartwheels as an adult). Anyway, they’ve all long since been taken down, or converted into basketball nets, because of “safety” concerns over kids smacking into the pole and getting head injuries, but that never happened, because the kids who didn’t know how to use the Twirlybird properly just used it like a Maypole. Also, there was a really tall metal twirly slide down at the playground at the beach, which was another one of my favourite things–and, not surprisingly, there was almost always a line for it. They said that at least a handful of kids fell off it and died each summer, but that was how I learned how to wait my turn and not push and shove. Now most of the fun things from my childhood are gone, and all the new “safe” playground equipment I see looks like it’s made for toddlers.

    • March 17, 2012 9:28 pm

      Excellent, hilarious ideas! Run with it. I do like interns that don’t wait around for me to direct them. I can already tell you’ll do alright, kid.

      I recall all of those safe items you mentioned (and have the metal slide bolt scars to prove it) and I’d add to that list — lawn darts. I know it’s not playground equipment but we sure had a great time not-killing-ourselves with them in my backyard.

  24. March 12, 2012 12:18 pm

    fuuuuuunnnnnny!

  25. March 12, 2012 2:49 pm

    I oscillate between self-congratulation and self-deprication. I would love to be your part time intern on my self-depricating days only. Otherwise I think I would end up killing myself. I hope you understand.

    • March 17, 2012 9:16 pm

      I totally understand. You just described me in my past life’s career.

  26. Emily permalink
    March 14, 2012 12:02 pm

    That’s perfect–I could be your intern on the days when Lyssa feels good about herself. ;)

    • March 17, 2012 9:20 pm

      You two go ahead and work out your hours. I’m fine with it so long as I have coverage on Saturday nights. I did mention the babysitting part, didn’t I?

  27. March 17, 2012 9:03 am

    Where in tarnation are you?

    • March 17, 2012 9:04 am

      I already looked under the bushes. She’s not there.

      • March 17, 2012 9:12 am

        Damn. And I followed the trail of Guinness labels to the closet, but she wasn’t there, either.

      • March 17, 2012 8:42 pm

        You looked too soon. That’s where I’ll be now, following a 12-hour road trip with two young children.

      • March 17, 2012 8:43 pm

        The bushes at the rest stop near Oklahoma City? I was too there. You must need glasses.

      • March 17, 2012 8:55 pm

        Bi-focals, I guess! Hope all is well with you.

      • March 17, 2012 8:58 pm

        It’ll be much better when I get the weeklong gas station/hotel/rest stop muck washed off my hair and clothes. Might need to be power-washed.

        Thanks for worrying about me.

      • March 17, 2012 9:01 pm

        Ah yes, Spring Break. You probably have some smushed circus peanuts in your pockets, too.

    • March 17, 2012 8:40 pm

      Just got back an hour ago from a week in Texas. Aww. Thanks for noticing…it makes me feel like coming home to just-baked cookies on the table. Except that you are supposedly inept in that department. Store-bought? Fine. But only if they’re Trader Joe’s.

      Blogger catch-up day tomorrow!

  28. Emily permalink
    March 17, 2012 6:54 pm

    Maybe she’s in a sugar coma from eating too much canned frosting and Pop-Tart filling.

  29. March 17, 2012 8:18 pm

    I hope you find your intern. But I will never quit drinking beer. Ever. In fact, I’ll drink another one right now just to toast the ping-back upon my return from an awesome week-long vacation ruined by two 10-hr days in the car with four loud children and Houston traffic at the end. Cheers!

    BTW, I should attribute John to the Pee-Wee post.

    http://dirtnkids.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/the-tequila-dance/

    Pee-Wee needs a comeback!

    • March 17, 2012 9:02 pm

      We live parallel lives. Except my trip was only 12-hours long. Your tip about the diaper cup in the potty chair? Brilliant. Saved us a ton of sleazy gas station encounters.

      I can’t wait to read this post tomorrow. Possibly after drinking tequila.

      • March 17, 2012 9:08 pm

        Glad to help out a fellow-mom-with-toddlers. We also perused the potty chair with diaper cup. Everyone but Dad, who was driving. I couldn’t imagine the chaos that would ensue if he needed to climb to the back, so he stopped when we needed to gas up.

        Today’s post is just a picture. The rest may be in draft mode for a while. It was quite a trip!

      • March 17, 2012 9:13 pm

        Post-road trip beers all around. We just got off our own trek barely two hours ago.

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