Intern for Hire!
This blog is in crisis. And I mean, as I write this, it is spinning out of control.
I haven’t posted since Monday, which is like 30 days ago in blog-time.
I’m also falling behind in my blog reading, and my blogger friends have sent out a search party. (Truthfully, they called off the search party and have left me to die.)
I have new blog followers, and I haven’t the time to even look at their names, let alone read their blogs, let alone weed out the ones named sexsuppliesforyou.com.
I need an intern.
In a past life, I used to hire interns. They came in quite handy when I worked for a political campaign.
So much work to do. And not enough time to do it.
Couldn’t we find a monkey to stuff these envelopes? No! The Humane Society frowns upon that. What about an intern? Yes!
So much money on hand. And so much money needed for expensive TV ads.
Do we need to pay the interns? Of course not! They’ll be honored just to be in our presence. They’ll be thrilled if we simply pay attention to them. They’ll practically beg us to let them work for free.
So nothing? Just smiles and generous pats on the back?
Okay, so maybe we could give them some free promotional t-shirts. But we’ll only give them free promotional t-shirts if they show up at 10 am on a Saturday on a 95-degree day in July and hold a sign in a parade.
I don’t have free promotional t-shirts. But I promise, if you work for me, I will never, ever make you hold a sign in a parade.
But how do you feel about state fairs? I’m kidding. County fairs?
So a little bit more about the position. I make lots of coffee. I buy real cream. I’ve been known to make a mean mess of chocolate chip scones. This can all be yours.
Things I need you to do. First, respond to my fan mail. I get a lot of it.
Here are a few examples of my recent fan mail:
Will you please write about Pee-wee Herman? I loved Pee-wee! I practically flunked out of college because my roommate and I could never leave the house to attend class whenever Pee-wee’s Playhouse was on.
Oh, that and I drank too much beer.
(Shannon, you can stop drinking now because I’ll get this done once I hire my intern.)
You know that bit you did on the really old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial? Well, it was kinda dumb because that commercial is now on TV all the time. Most people don’t even know it’s old.
You should’ve written about Bonkers. Remember — “Bonkers, the candy that bonks you out!” LOL!
For the record, Jeff, I don’t have Cable TV. So I wasn’t aware that the old Tootsie Roll Pop commercial is now on all the time.
Here’s another fan letter:
Will you please stop writing about how you don’t have Cable TV. We get it. Do you want a medal? It’s not like you’re Laura Ingalls Wilder or anything.
Your friend in modern times,
Second, I need my intern to do a probability analysis for me. See, I got on WordPress’ Recommended Reading page, here. (Cough, cough. Ahem.)
So it rotates a few blogs every time you search the Humor tab. Some days, mine comes up relatively often. Some days, hardly at all. But some blogger punks I know, like Jessseker and Peg-o-Leg and Becoming Cliché and The Good Greatsby, come up practically every time you search the tab.
Yes, I know that’s because their blogs are much better than mine. And, yes, I know that’s because they never use pirated photos of Shaun Cassidy. But I still want to know the exact probability that a person searching this tab would end up seeing my blog versus their blogs. Then I need this prepared in a weekly report. Then I need you to never, ever show them these reports.
Third, I need you to keep me abreast of demographic data. I’ve prepared a sample report for you based on my most recent blog post:
Your Last Blog Post
Your Post’s Reading Level: 98.7% comprehensible to 10-12 year olds
Your Post’s Pop Culture References: 98.7% comprehensible to 30-40 year olds, 20.3% comprehensible to 20-30 year olds, 10.1% comprehensible to 50-60 year olds, and 3.3% comprehensible to readers who live in Australia, England and New
Your Post’s Readership Age Demographics: 90% of readers were 60-70 year olds (i.e. your parents and relatives), 10% were 30-40 year olds (i.e. your husband).
Fourth, I need you to read this book that my husband bought me for Christmas. I’m sure there’s some good stuff in here. Stuff I could write about. Stuff I forgot about. Stuff that would make me say, “Oh my God! I forgot about that stuff!” (I like stuff that makes me say that.)
Finally, I need you to gather some market research and facilitate some focus groups to test the popularity of each encyclopedia entry. And then I need you to prepare it for me in a report. Such as this:
Focus groups show tremendous interest in reading about what happened to Michael Jackson’s pet chimp Bubbles.
Polling shows that 93% of people don’t give two shits about Shaun Cassidy (or even one).
(These were just examples. I can assure you the polling would reflect that people love my many blog references to Shaun Cassidy. Although, the Bubbles research is entirely accurate.)
So that’s about it. Free coffee. Free work. Oh, wait! Also, you get to work with me. I hear that’s really fun. Here’s a quote from a former coworker:
I loved working with Angie! She’s so fun!
A Former Coworker
P.S. Her coffee tastes like she needs to clean the pot. Probably needs to run some vinegar through it. As her intern, maybe you could do that?
And then here’s another one:
I loved working with Angie! She’s so fun that I almost forgot about the fact that she never paid me!
A Former Intern
P.S. I have $112,000 worth of tuition debt.
So there you have it. Please submit to me a resume with your qualifications. Include with it a list of references (grade school teachers, 80s pop singers who are living or dead, etc.) Also, please attach an essay on the following: “Scott Baio: Is he Chachi or is he Charles in Charge?”
I look forward to hearing from you.