I’ve been absent the past week. No, my new live-in blog intern did not kidnap me. No, I am not drunk in a closet somewhere (thanks, Darla). And yes, I’m alive and kicking.
Oh, have you noticed I’ve been gone? That’s so sweet.
Oh, you didn’t? That’s okay.
Oh, you don’t know me or where you are, and you thought this was a website where you could order vintage Cabbage Patch dolls? Easy mistake. (Now run off and get yourself a life. Quick. I speak from experience.)
Please don’t think I’m irresponsible. I would’ve definitely followed the proper procedures, said So Long!, promised to send postcards, had you sign necessary permission slips and the like, had I been able to tell you in advance that I was leaving.
But my husband wouldn’t let me.
Easy there, Gloria Steinem.
I mean, he had a valid point. He was afraid if I were to announce to the masses of my 36 readers that I’d be leaving town for a week, it would make our house susceptible to burglary. So he kindly suggested that I not shout it from the rooftops of the blogosphere.
You see, we have so many valuable things in our house that thieves are always wanting to get their grubby hands on, always waiting in the wings for us to leave unguarded for them to steal.
Specifically, our priceless personal collection of
cassette tapes, CDs, DVDs, framed printed copies of famous paintings, Disney Princess Barbies, Le Creuset cookware.
Do you have any idea how expensive this crap is? Do you have any idea the black market value of this kind of crap? I don’t. But I’m pretty sure just the other day I spotted a shady-looking person selling cast iron enamel cookware out of a van in an alley. Or it might’ve been boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I’ll admit I didn’t get a good look.
At any rate, just like Poltergeist, I’m back. And just like Poltergeist, I’ll be beaming out of your screen again in no time flat. And I promise I’ll make it up to you in a way that doesn’t involve skeletons emerging from your unfinished backyard swimming pool.
Unless that’s the sort of thing you’d like. Then here.
I missed you too.