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My Baloney Has a First Name

April 4, 2012

What’s wrong with me?  Is there something wrong with me?

There’s something wrong with me.

Why am I craving a baloney sandwich?

It happened just yesterday.

P.S.  I’m not pregnant.

My baloney has a first name.  It’s Flashback.

Mind you, I haven’t eaten mammals since the Carbozoic Era.  Not since Dr. Atkins invented bunless sliders.

You suddenly feel jealous don’t you?  Because, hey, how’s that Pink Slime treatin’ ya?

Then, out of spite for my slimeless-existence, you say, “Hey, your body is telling you to eat meat, Stupid.”

Well, to that I say — baloney!

What’s that?  Oh, lardburgers.  You’re right.  I just violated my pun-free workzone policy.  I hate that.  It drags down my Standards of Excellence.

But don’t get me sidetracked here.  Let’s get back to what you were thinking.  The whole, “your body needs meat” thing.

I can assure you, a sizzling-hot piece of grass-fed beef makes me yawn from Grade-A boredom.

I don’t want that.

I want crap.

I want nitrates.  And Red #40 food dye.  I want homogeneous smooth-textured mauve-colored perfection, formed into a 5-inch circle.  I want baloney.

But not just baloney.

I want a baloney and cheese sandwich on Wonder Bread with Miracle Whip.

(Gasp!)

There’s something wrong with me.

I hate Miracle Whip.  Miracle Whip is to mayonnaise what Go-Gurt is to yogurt.  I’ll take it a step further.  Miracle Whip is to condiments what celery is to vegetables.  I can go further.  Miracle Whip is to food what The Kardashians is to Like-I-Give-A-Shit.  Too far and off-topic.   

I’m also suspicious of Muppet-colored cheese.  Muppet-colored cheese sprung from individualized vinyl slipcovers.

And I’m convinced that Wonder Bread is made from recycled Care Bear stuffing.

Pigs and Muppets and Care Bears.  It’s no good.  I can’t eat any of it.  It’d be unethical.

No, it’s not about meat.  It’s not about taste.  What it’s really about is 1981-Angie saying, “Make me a sandwich, damnit.”  (Then she adds, “Cut-off the crusts, damnit.”)

I hate when she does that.  Because then I think, “You know what?  Let’s do that, 1981-Angie.  Let’s do it up right.  Let’s put on The Flintstones, curl into a fetal position on our beanbag chair and throw back a couple of baloney and cheese sandwiches.”

I don’t do it of course.  But I think it.  And then I think about this:

My baloney has a second name.  It’s Pass-the-Miracle-Whip.

80 Comments leave one →
  1. April 4, 2012 8:24 am

    Oh, Angie, to be in our overalls eating crap. And did you also have Spam? You really need to have your own column that pays you. Your writing is from a creative genius.

    • April 6, 2012 5:54 pm

      I have never willingly, knowingly eaten Spam. I’m so thrilled to be able to say that. And thanks, Amy, for your kind words. Whenever you come around here I feel like I can conquer the world with my blog posts. Then you leave and I feel like a kid in my overalls again eating crap.

  2. April 4, 2012 8:37 am

    Thanks! Very nice read for me this morning. Danggit, if there’s no bologna in my fridge, ’cause now I’m craving some too. Would a 17-yr-old can of Spam from my pantry (it’s moved with me no less than 3 times) fit the bill instead?

    Or maybe I could just go pick some fresh peas from my garden. Nah. That’d be too healthy.

    • April 6, 2012 6:00 pm

      No, not with the Spam again! You’re the second person to bring it up. Is that even food? Wasn’t Spam a part of the FDA’s new regulations in the 80s to allow nonfood products to be classified as food? (Ahem…I think your buddy Michael Pollan told me that.)

      On the other hand, I think you have at least 17 more years before that Spam goes bad.

  3. April 4, 2012 8:45 am

    LOL.. I’m giggling at my desk reading this. The Wonder bread being made of care bears is what made me literally chuckle out loud.. If you were really wanting to eat something w/ all those yummy ingredients, couldn’t you find something a little less disgusting? Maybe a strawberry airhead? That’s got red dye in it, and tastes so much better then, ugh baloney! But if you must have that perfectly circular piece of meat.. can ya at least fry it first? I’m from the south and we fried ours..and I will admit it.. with Miracle Whip!! But you will be happy to know I grew up, moved out of Fla and learned that Mayo tastes so much better!!! :) Thanks for the laugh.

    • April 6, 2012 6:04 pm

      Yes, fried baloney! I’m not Southern but I’ve had me some of that goodness. Get this. Where I grew up, we had this thing called Flying Saucers that they served in our school cafeteria. This consisted of a piece of fried baloney, a perfectly sphere-formed scoop of instant mashed potatoes and a piece of melted cheese on top. I pretended to hate it in order to avoid social ostracism in the lunchroom. Secretly I wanted to lick it right off my plastic tray.

      • April 7, 2012 6:47 am

        LOL.. thats funny.. And I”m from the south and they NEVER served that.. us kids woulda ate it up! LOL

      • April 8, 2012 5:46 pm

        Wow! Are you saying we in the Midwest actually out-fatted the fare of you all in the South? Yay! We’re #1!

      • April 9, 2012 6:55 am

        When it comes to bologna.. Yup! LOL

  4. April 4, 2012 8:45 am

    Great post… now you have me craving a sandwich… just not baloney… I never did like it. but wonderbread.. that gooey softness… the wonderful taste…
    ok forget the taste.

    • April 6, 2012 6:08 pm

      Wonder Bread. Oh, that fuzzy-soft tasteless goodness. I loved to wad it into a tight ball and eat it. I called it “dough ball”. I considered this some form of delicacy.

      Maggie, oddly enough your comment ended up in my blog’s spam folder. Maybe you work for Wonder Bread and are secretly trying to sell it to my readers. If that’s the case, you’ve really done your job because now I want some.

  5. April 4, 2012 8:49 am

    Sometimes it’s hard when you grew up on crap, isn’t it? What our kids don’t know. Kool-Aid every day, Angie. My kids would gasp. “But Mommy, it’s full of bad stuff.” Man, I would love to gulp a pitcher of Kool-Aid right now! And I am with you on pink slime. Blech.

    • April 6, 2012 6:15 pm

      Kool-Aid. Thanks for bringing it up, MM! It was invented in my home state of Nebraska. And some days I long for the Kool-Aid pitcher guy to bust down the walls of my house, old school style, and hand me a glass of grape-flavored yumminess.

      Immediately after my mom weaned me around the age of six months, she began filling my bottle with Kool-Aid. Maybe that’s not true but I suspect it.

  6. April 4, 2012 8:57 am

    Oh my gawd, how this reminded me of my childhood, right down to the Miracle Whip! If I smell bread, Miracle Whip and bologna at the same time, I feel like I’m in grade school at lunchtime with my brown paper sack! I had bologna in sandwiches, fried, and rolled up all the time when I was a kid. To go back to kindergarten? Pour some Hawaiian Punch, and open some cookies!

    • April 6, 2012 6:20 pm

      So true. I think every time I smell a brown paper sack, I think of Miracle Whip and field trips to some type of boring historic building. And my kindergarten memories would also include a punched-open economy-sized can of Hawaiian Punch…and then throw in a few vanilla wafers and we’d be as happy as pigs in poop.

  7. April 4, 2012 9:02 am

    I used to have that sandwich all the time. ALL THE TIME. But you forgot the lettuce. A nice, crisp bite in the middle of all that soft, and I’m right there with you. Move over- you’re hogging the beanbag.

    • April 6, 2012 6:25 pm

      I’m with you on the lettuce, Peg. Adult-me would want the lettuce. Kid-me would 86 it. Back then, I considered lettuce to be dangerously close to counting as a vegetable. I’d shudder at the very thought.

      I’m the biggest beanbag hog I know so you’re in for a battle.

  8. Tony permalink
    April 4, 2012 9:07 am

    I could never do Miracle Whip. Or Cheez Whiz. Most of the time mom made me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Then when I completely burned out on those it became butter and jelly. Or butter and honey. Wrapped up in neat little wax paper bundles.

    • April 6, 2012 6:32 pm

      Was Cheez Whiz intended for sandwiches? I think I saw someone do that once on a movie.

      My regular sandwich rotation back then consisted of peanut butter and honey, baloney and cheese, grilled cheese, and fried egg sandwiches. The latter (I later learned) was uncommon, gross-sounding and likely drew attention to my lunchbox in a way that probably lost me friends.

  9. April 4, 2012 9:07 am

    About once a year I crave a baloney sandwich on plain white bread – no mayo, no cheese. It’s like eating a memory, albeit an unhealthy one, but a happy one.

    Love your description of American cheese – “Muppet-colored cheese sprung from individualized vinyl slipcovers.” Good stuff… your descritption – not the cheese.

    • April 6, 2012 6:35 pm

      Someone informed me recently that orange-colored cheese of any sort is not naturally occurring. White, yes. Yellow, yes. Even blue and greeen. But orange. Nope. Sorry, folks. Enjoy your Red #40. And sometimes I do.

      “It’s like eating a memory…” I love it, Paprika!

  10. April 4, 2012 9:56 am

    We were strictly a salami household. Salami on white bread. What can I say? East coast Italians. Now that I think about it all 3 of my sisters and I no longer eat meat- coincidence? I THINK NOT!

    • April 6, 2012 6:38 pm

      I used to eat salami plain, no bread, and right out of the refrigerator — with door wide open (“letting the cold out,” as my mom would say) and standing directly over the meat and cheese drawer. I haven’t had it for a decade but it still looks good when I pass by it at a party.

  11. April 4, 2012 11:02 am

    Excellent post!!!!! It made me sick to my stomach, but it also made me laugh out loud. I love how you write – I can just see myself in a fetal position eating baloney sandwiches and watching the Flintstones (except in my case it would be staring at a bookcase because as you know we didn’t have a TV). We recently bought some pious baloney (bologna does have a first name), Fig Newtons, American Cheese slices, and Nutella to snack on while we watched our favorite reality TV show (looking forward to the final elimination round).

    • April 6, 2012 6:41 pm

      Fig Newtons. I loved them. In the 80s they started making Strawberry Newtons and the like and they just aren’t the same without that strong figgy taste.

      I can think of no other foods that would go better with reality TV than those very ones you mentioned. Synthetic food paired with synthetic television. Perfect.

  12. April 4, 2012 11:33 am

    Whenever I crave certain foods I worry that I’m having digestive problems. Whenever I eat certain (craven) foods AND watch Charlie’s Angels, I know I must go to the doctor. Whenever I eat certain (craven) foods AND watch Charlie’s Angels AND Love Boat, well then, it’s terminal.

    Be careful, Angie.

    • April 6, 2012 6:45 pm

      Wow, watching Charlie’s Angels AND Love Boat? That sounds very serious, Elyse. I hope if you ever get to that point again you will (1) immediately call a doctor, and then (2) immediately call me to tell me what channel you’re watching.

  13. Emily permalink
    April 4, 2012 11:35 am

    I agree–this post made me a little sick to my stomach too, because I’m vegan, but watching that commercial made me nostalgic for the days when TV commercials featured real children, and not glammed-up prostitots and wannabe skater-boi types. As for the “Standards of Excellence” comment, funny story–when I graduated from grade eight, the “graduation choir” (which had been thrown together about a week before the ceremony) forgot the words halfway through their song. Later, when the principal was giving a speech about how we had all “lived up to the King Edward standards of excellence,” I started laughing on the inside from the stage, and my parents told me that they’d been laughing on the inside too, from the audience. From that day forth, “King Edward standards of excellence” became a running joke in our family, for “mediocre” or “half-assed.”

    • April 6, 2012 6:52 pm

      I have very few Standards of Excellence but one major one is to never conform to King Edward Standards of Excellence.

  14. April 4, 2012 12:17 pm

    Maybe it’s been waaaaaay too long since I’ve eaten real baloney, but the vegetarian version manages to sate my cravings when they arise. I always pack some when I go on hikes. Tromping through the woods, eating baloney sandwiches… it’s just like being 9!

    • Emily permalink
      April 4, 2012 8:38 pm

      I can’t have Miracle Whip or mayonnaise (partly because they have eggs and/or milk in them, and partly because they’re just straight-up gross), but maybe I’ll try veggie bologna/baloney/whatever it’s called with mustard. I ate a lot of the regular version as a kid, and I got kind of sick of it, but the veggie kind might be okay once in a while, as long as it’s vegan. By the way, Yves makes some pretty good veggie dogs–I like the bigger ones that they call “Italian Sausages” or some such. They also make a pretty good chili, but they claim it’s vegan on the front, and then in the fine print, it says, “may contain eggs, dairy, and FISH.” I keep meaning to call their customer service and have words with them about that.

    • April 6, 2012 6:56 pm

      Baloney sandwiches = brown bag field trip lunches. Hiking in the woods is practically a grade school field trip so I think you’re on to something there.

  15. John-Paul permalink
    April 4, 2012 12:58 pm

    This post was great… right up to the point where I played the video. Seriously? We have an ad here with “cute” kids selling cleaning products. It makes me want to…. Actually there is no way I can finish that sentence without being arrested so let’s just leave it alone. Miracle Whip. We don’t have it, but everytime I hear the name I think of about ten jokes about Christianity that I can’t share here.

    • April 6, 2012 7:01 pm

      You’re just jealous of this brilliant Oscar Mayer ad because your old friend Vegemite never thought of it.

      Miracle Whip is so embedded in my childhood memories that I didn’t even notice the Christian proselytizing. Brilliant marketing, right there. Not kid in overalls fishing off a dock brilliant, but brilliant just the same.

  16. April 4, 2012 1:01 pm

    Mentioning the Kardashians in a post about baloney is never off-topic.

    • April 6, 2012 7:04 pm

      Congratulations! You win my wittiest comment quip award! I don’t have an actual award to give you, but if I did I would give it to you right now after reading this. Perhaps a giant loaf of baloney would suffice?

  17. April 4, 2012 2:03 pm

    Nice post. I liked the honesty of wanting stuff that’s bad for you. And when you take a bite the white bread and MW stick to the roof of your mouth but you like it.
    Also, Bologna=Sade, two words that make the English language seem Kardashian.

    • April 6, 2012 7:07 pm

      I would venture to guess that the “stick to the roof of your mouth” part is exactly why Miracle Whip was invented. Who doesn’t want a giant ball of sour goo embedded in their hard palate? No one I know.

      I still can’t pronounce Sade.

  18. April 4, 2012 2:54 pm

    I am dying of laughter over here (as usual) When I got to this line: Too far and off-topic. I lost it.

    My husband loves bologna sandwhiches. Back when we first met, I made him a killer one with miracle whip, wonder bread, lettuce (Peg is right, you need that crisp) and he took one bite and asked me to marry him. True story.

    • April 6, 2012 7:12 pm

      I go off topic all the time around here, yet I feel guilty when any member of the Kardashians appears on my blog. I think this is the third time. How did I get so lost? I used to pride myself in never acknowledging their existence. I have fallen away from my Standards of Excellence and I can see now that using puns was just the beginning.

      I love that story, Darla. You should write it into one of your great Hallmark card lines. I would buy it for my next anniversary despite that my husband hates baloney.

  19. April 4, 2012 2:58 pm

    It makes perfect sense to me. It’s like when my self-esteem is pretty high so I go check in with some grade a turd-peoples for a reality check. Your body may be feeling TOO healthy.

    • April 6, 2012 7:14 pm

      This might explain why I ate a chocolate-covered glazed donut today. I had steamed fish last night and things were obviously falling apart. The donut-craving was my body trying to say, “Help me help you.”

  20. April 4, 2012 3:09 pm

    This Reminds me to put bologna on the shopping list I’m out!!!

    • April 6, 2012 7:15 pm

      You’re also out of Miracle Whip. Oh, and don’t forget the Wonder Bread. And maybe pick up some Kool-Aid while you’re already at the store.

      • Emily permalink
        April 8, 2012 5:11 pm

        Ooh, get the Kool-Aid that changes colour–there’s no telling WHAT kind of scary chemicals are in that: “Mix water with the GREEN powder to watch it turn BLUE!!! Surprise, it tastes like a RED cherry!!!”

      • April 8, 2012 5:55 pm

        Kool-Aid is lethal.

  21. April 4, 2012 5:08 pm

    Don’t knock celery. I used to eat celery and mayonnaise sandwiches..and, yeah, they’re as gross as that sounds. I also think part of my blood is comprised of Red Dye #40.

    I’m writing the FDA today to insist that Wonder Bread puts care bear stuffing in its list of ingredients.

    • April 6, 2012 7:20 pm

      It’s a little known fact that the Care Bear advocates’ boycott efforts were what brought about Hostess’ Chapter 11 bankruptcy. I think we both know, it’s when good men do nothing that evil prevails.

      You say celery mayo sandwiches are gross, yet why do I now want one?

  22. April 4, 2012 7:17 pm

    No, have a peanut-butter and banana sandwich. Got to eat it right away though because it gets kind of mushy by lunch if you make it to take to work.

    • April 6, 2012 7:23 pm

      Good call. I used to eat those all the time. Then I also fried one once, Elvis-style. I don’t do that anymore and don’t recommend it. While eating it, greasy as all get out, I imagined Elvis eating one too. Right before he died on the toilet.

  23. April 4, 2012 8:29 pm

    Wow. Baloney and miracle whip?

    Are you sure you’re not pregnant???

    Why do people insist on mixing together two wholly unnatural products that should never have existed in the first place? :P

    • April 6, 2012 7:25 pm

      When I was pregnant, I ate rational things like french fries dipped in melted milkshakes. No, I’m certain that my desire for a baloney and Miracle Whip sandwich indicates something much more ominous than an unexpected pregnancy.

      • April 6, 2012 7:41 pm

        Insanity, perhaps?? :P

      • April 6, 2012 7:51 pm

        Yes, indeed. I think I suffer from the same nostalgia-induced insanity that John-Paul suffers from — for which there is no cure except maybe more blog posts on Pop Rocks.

      • April 6, 2012 7:58 pm

        And Depeche Mode. Face your fears, I say.

  24. April 4, 2012 9:16 pm

    Ah.. A good baloney and cheese sandwich on wonder white bread and mayo every once in a while never hurt anyone. You knew that sandwich was good when it got stuck to the roof of your mouth lol.

    • April 6, 2012 7:28 pm

      Ha! What’s even better than it sticking to the roof of your mouth is when it absorbed right into the metal boxes of your braces. I used to love that feeling. I’m sure the look of it was even better.

      • April 6, 2012 7:37 pm

        LOL. I could only imagine. Isn’t the site bad enough when you have to pry it out with your finger. Hahaha

      • April 6, 2012 7:50 pm

        I had braces on my teeth once as a kid and a second time as an adult. I would’ve been okay prying bread out of my teeth as a kid. As an adult, I’d guess it’s about as appealing as watching someone pick their nose.

  25. April 5, 2012 6:57 am

    lmmfsao holy chit a step down memory lane, except i liked mine on strohmans bread with mustard! i was 8 when that commercial was on heavy duty rotation and since i got the notification of your post, it was a welcome earworm.

    and i’ll be whisting it today as well as i make my baloney and mustard sammich (guilty pleasure to this day lol).

    you are so awesome!
    jenny

    • April 6, 2012 7:31 pm

      Thanks, SU! Yes, that Oscar Mayer ad is indeed a classic! I can’t think of many TV commercials (okay, maybe Life cereal and Mikey) that were more symbolic of 1970s advertising.

      • April 7, 2012 2:40 pm

        Absolutely and more symbolic of a better time. I think we were lucky to have grown up back then. except for disco… lol

        He likes it, hey Mikey!

        Jenny

      • April 8, 2012 5:54 pm

        Yes, we had some hard times indeed living through the age of disco. It’s a wonder any of us survived. Perhaps disco killed Andy Gibb.

      • April 9, 2012 7:06 am

        *snorts* coffee meet monitor! you are outstanding! :)

  26. Emily permalink
    April 6, 2012 12:20 am

    Hey Angie, when did you go vegetarian, and how did you decide? Personally, I went vegetarian officially on November first of 2001, and I’ve been vegan since early 2011. I’m not too strict about it; I mean, I won’t eat blatant animal products, but if I’m at a social gathering, or at someone’s house, and they hand me a cookie or something, I’ll take it without grilling them on the ingredients. As for how I went vegetarian, I was in grade twelve, and I was talking to an older friend who was away at university, and she said she was building an altar for a cat sacrifice. She was just messing with me, as that group of older friends was prone to doing, but after that conversation, all I could think was, how could I be grossed out by that if I still ate meat? The next day was Halloween, and I tried to put it out of my mind, but after I ate meat, I felt so sick inside, I knew I never could again, and I haven’t since. As for veganism, I heard some horror stories about the egg and dairy industry (I’d already been trying to stick to free-range eggs), so I started experimenting with eliminating animal products entirely. After a few weeks, I had some cheese and ice cream because other people were, and I was flat on my back with fever for about four or five days, unable to keep anything down. So, after I felt better, I decided to stick with veganism, both for my health, and for the sake of the animals.

    • April 6, 2012 7:45 pm

      Interesting, Emily. I love hearing about vegans’ way of doing things. It sounds tough!

      I am not a vegetarian, though I play one on TV. I gave up red meat a little over 10 years ago. I still eat poultry and fish on occasion. I buy my eggs directly from a small farm and get milk from a local dairy. I try to eat only organic produce and I eat pretty healthy. I’m a tiny person so I can’t afford to lose more calories by cutting out any more food groups. If I was a vegetarian, I’d probably end up living on Morning Star Farms soy-chicken nuggets and other simulated meat substances — which are a good treat once in a while but (if you look at the 10,000 ingredients) are extremely processed and not too healthy.

      It’s hard to explain my meatless diet as no one I talk with ever seems to know what qualifies as red meat (some people think pork is white meat, thanks to a successful pork-producers ad campaign). So I usually say, to keep it simple, that I don’t eat mammals. Then when I get another deer-in-the-headlights-look, I say that I don’t eat things that give birth to their young. Then I thoroughly disgust the person I’m telling this to by talking about “birth” in the same sentence as “food” and thereby I ruin everyone’s appetite, including my own.

      If you’re interested, in this past blog post I discussed my animal-loving mania and when I decided to give up red meat: http://childhoodrelived.com/2012/01/09/a-llama-walks-into-a-dentist-office/

      • Emily permalink
        April 7, 2012 1:21 pm

        Hi Angie,

        Wow, that’s very interesting–I guess you could say that you’re a “flexitarian.” You don’t eat the animals that are the most sentient, and aware of what’s going on around them, and you try to eat locally-raised meat, eggs, and dairy when possible, to avoid the terrible and inhumane way that factory farmers do things, to save money and maximize profit.

        As for vegetarianism and veganism, though, it’s not that hard–you don’t have to live on processed veggie burgers/dogs/fake meat products. Those are an occasional thing for me, and I mostly get my protein from beans, chick peas, lentils, and nuts–so, peanut butter and hummus are staples for me (but not together, lol). As for veganism, yeah, I did have to make some adjustments, but I don’t feel deprived. Right now, I’m baking a vegan chocolate cake for my mom’s birthday–it’s really simple, I just used an “accidentally vegan” chocolate cake mix (No Name brand, but you have to check the ingredients), mixed it with Diet Coke instead of eggs and oil, and for the icing, I used icing sugar, vegan margarine, soy milk, hot water, and cocoa. When I’m done, my family will of course know it’s vegan, because I made it, but they won’t be able to tell the difference taste-wise.

      • April 8, 2012 5:51 pm

        Yes, I do remember learning about flexitarians via Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food. I would say I am exactly that. I could live on beans alone if I could come up with more recipes besides burritos and soup. I could eat beans Every Single Day and be completely content.

        That cake is intriguing! I’m sure you know all kinds of tricks like these. I’m impressed! Still don’t know if I could give up my favorite aged gouda cheese. :(

  27. russelllindsey permalink
    April 6, 2012 6:27 pm

    Reblogged this on Ramblings of a Misguided Blonde and commented:
    Angie Z.’s on a food-inspired rant today. Too fun and funny.

    • April 6, 2012 7:31 pm

      Thank you for the reblog, Lindsey.

      • russelllindsey permalink
        April 6, 2012 7:35 pm

        You’re welcome. Having technical difficulties at the moment, so I won’t be able to get things back on track at my blog until tomorrow sometime. No fun!

        Lindsey

      • April 6, 2012 7:48 pm

        I’m sorry to hear that! I hope it’s temporary and on WordPress’ end and not due to your computer. That’s so frustrating!

      • russelllindsey permalink
        April 6, 2012 8:10 pm

        It is frustrating! It is on my end, unfortunately. Just ordered parts :(

        Lindsey

  28. April 7, 2012 9:36 am

    I laughed so hard at the Wonder bread comment! Of course its Care Bears stuffing! Thanks for the mental picture :-)

    • April 8, 2012 5:47 pm

      Shhhhh. Promise to keep this on the down-low. Once it gets out about the Care Bears stuffing, Hostess will lose all chance of a comeback — and then we can kiss those Twinkies goodbye forever.

  29. April 7, 2012 4:18 pm

    Baloney sandwiches happen, you know. Not often, but they happen.

    • April 8, 2012 5:57 pm

      Odd that “baloney sandwiches” in your statement is interchangeable with the word sh*t. Although, I think your version is catchier and would make a much better bumper sticker.

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