What the . . . Teddy Ruxpin?
*What the…Friday? is a weekly Friday feature in which I resuscitate a video relic from the swampy pits of Pop Culture Wasteland.*
I missed Teddy Ruxpin.
No, I don’t mean I miss him. Although of course I do.
I mean I missed him.
I mean, by the time that ol’ Teddyatronic train passed through Toytown, I had already left the station.
I mean, by the time he hit the malls, I was gone.
I mean, by his prime of 1986, I had moved on from gateway electronic dabbling to tripping on full-blown video games.
Which is tragic, really. I mean, the part about narrowly missing a chance to have Teddy Ruxpin in my life.
In my life for 10 easy installments of $14.95, plus tax. [2012 Inflation Adjustment: $2,588.32]
I think I know how my parents must’ve felt, just narrowly missing the invention of the childhood polio vaccine. Or maybe that was my grandparents. Or maybe that was FDR. Or maybe that was Helen Keller. I don’t know much about science.
But I do know that had the technology existed sooner to allow me my own personal-sized animatronic theme park animal — golly gee whiz! — things would’ve been different.
Sure, to you he looked like this:
But really he was more like this:
We could’ve eaten pizza together on Saturday nights. Just like this. And we could’ve talked. Well, right after I loaded a cassette tape into his spinal column. After that, the sky was the limit. We could’ve talked books, we could’ve talked more books, we could’ve sang songs — so long as they were all available on cassette tape and properly loaded into his spinal column.
Just look at the commercial, it speaks for itself. He speaks for himself!
The poor kid in this Teddy Ruxpin commercial — he can’t even handle his own show-and-tell. The kid is a loser, and he’s headed nowhere fast. He’ll no doubt play video games in his parents’ basement for the next forty years. Until they die. From there he’ll preserve their bodies in a vat of Spaghetti-Os while continuing to accept their Social Security checks until he is arrested and sentenced to life in a Turkish prison.
But that doesn’t happen. Because Teddy Ruxpin takes over show-and-tell and changes the kid’s life. He changes everything.
What I would’ve given to have Teddy Ruxpin take over for me during my 6th grade oral report on Ghana.
It’s an African country. Well, now I’m going to turn it over to my good friend Teddy Ruxpin who will tell you a little about Ghana’s chief exports.
He would’ve been a friend to the end, even seeing me through to my senior graduation speech.
Guys, it’s been real. Well, now I’m going to turn it over to my good friend Teddy Ruxpin who will tell you a little about the road less traveled.
That is, assuming Robert Frost is available on cassette tape — that is, assuming it could load into Teddy’s spinal column.