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My Husband Has A Mullet

June 6, 2012

This is my husband.

This is my husband if he had a mullet.

But he doesn’t.

BUT!  By the time you finish reading this, perhaps I can say My Husband Has A Mullet.

I need your help with this.  All of you.  Each and every one.

See, my husband has a special day coming up soon.

And I think if we put our hearts together and collectively wished really hard for him, maybe, just maybe, he’ll have a mullet in time for his birthday this weekend.

A mullet and a slice of pie.  Humble pie, that is.  (He likes pie.)

A mullet, a slice of humble pie and a hard slap of truth across his White Anglo-Saxon metropolitan-elitist cheek.

I don’t know whether he’s ever had a mullet before.  This could be the first time.  This could be the fifth time.  I can’t be sure.

The subject came up last week during a conversation about — oh, I don’t know — perhaps we were debating the cultural contributions of Billy Ray Cyrus, perhaps we were discussing the fuzz on the block of Swiss cheese I threw out.

But there we were talking about mullets and there I asked the question.

Did you ever have a mullet?

Under normal circumstances, this is the type of critical information about your spouse that you’d already know after 10 years of marriage.  Did you ever try to kill someone?  Did you dance the Macarena?  Did you ever have a mullet?

But my husband — God love ’em — had some terribly awkward adolescent years.

And he pretty much destroyed every piece of photographic evidence that he physically existed during the period of 1987 to 1991 (otherwise known as The Mullet Era).

It’s like the 18-minute gap on the Watergate tapes.  It’s like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.

Did my husband have a mullet?  The world may never know.

He might have another family, too.  I can’t be certain of anything anymore.

“Did I have a mullet?”  He turned and looked at me with disgust, like I just accused him of having eyelashes sprouting from his tear ducts.  (He does.)  Then he stated coolly, matter-of-factly,  “People didn’t have those where I grew up.”

Time out.  Now this is where I provide some background to help you make sense of why this statement cut me like a knife.

I grew up in a rural community.  Tiny.  Microscopic.  And my husband would be quick to point out that his school cafeteria was more populated than my hometown, that my entire graduating class would’ve fit inside the pottery kiln in his senior high art room.

“What do you mean people didn’t have mullets where you grew up?”  By then I was feeling mildly pissed off by what he was insinuating.

And then he threw it at me — out of his mouth like a searing hot spear to the gut.

“Mullets were just a small town thing.”  

There.

“I don’t remember a single person in my class having a mullet.”  

There again.  I’m bleeding by now.

And just like that, the de-evolution of civilization as we know it, blamed once again on the country bumpkins.

But I’ve never been one to cower in the face of social injustice.   Oh no.  Because that’s when I threw back my shoulders — heart pounding, lip quivering, fists clenching — and climbed atop my mullet soap box.

“I’ll have you know (imagine here that my finger is poking him in the chest — it wasn’t but just imagine this) that mullets were in every city *voice breaks* in America!  Mullets showed no geographic discrimination!”    

And this is when I brought the house down.  (Cue The Battle Hymn of the Republic on the cassette tape player.)

“Mullets did not see black or white, mullets did not see rich or poor.  Mullets did not see anything but the human race!

Mullets crossed the bridges of social class, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, age, gender, sexual orientation, physical capabilities.  Mullets were for everyone — of, by and for the People.  

It didn’t matter if you were Joe Sixpack or George Clooney . . .

. . . or Michael J. Fox . . .

. . . or Mel Gibson . . .

. . . or Brad Pitt . . .

. . . who you are never mattered to mullets.

In fact, mullets might have been the greatest shining symbols of equality our country has ever known.”

(I’ll pause to give you time to collect yourselves.)

By the time I had finished speaking, I’m certain my husband knew just how wrong he was.  In fact, while he might not have said it in so many words, I believe he was feeling sorry that he ever judged mullets.  Maybe he wished he’d known them better.  Maybe he wished he had one.

*~* Wish?  Did someone say wish? *~*

Remember when I asked earlier that you all wish really hard?

Well just look what we were able to accomplish . . .

Happy birthday to my darling beloved husband.

Remember — the mullet stands with you and never against you, no matter who you are.

Now go chop it off before you scare the children.

86 Comments leave one →
  1. June 6, 2012 6:05 am

    I (gulp) had a mullet — waaaay after mullet season, thanks to my mum’s failed attempt at cutting my hair. Also, I was way too old for her to be playing hairdresser all of a sudden. I still run if I see scissors in her hands…

    Happy birthday, husband!!

    • June 6, 2012 6:12 am

      Oh, I have to add that I once gave my husband a reverse mullet. I couldn’t quite figure out how to use the hair clippers. This happened the day before he met my grandparents for the first and only time, so that was a little awkward for him.

      • June 7, 2012 7:57 pm

        Yes, but just think what your grandparents would’ve thought of him if the mullet was not reversed. *Shudder*

    • June 7, 2012 7:55 pm

      What a sad story of betrayal! It’s okay, Gilly — I had a mullet intentionally. It occurred around 1995. I didn’t see it at the time (alas, I was so blind) because it was supposed to be a chic 70s-esque shag. I later saw a photo of the ‘do in a box of college stuff, and I began weeping truth from my ocular cavities.

  2. June 6, 2012 6:06 am

    Happy birthday to the guy with the mullet! I have to tell ya, mullets made it to every small town and major city in Canada, in case you need this information. I lived in small rural towns as well as cities and they were everywhere.

    • June 6, 2012 4:46 pm

      If memory serves, hockey players were pretty much mandated to get mullets, so that helped them spread north of the 49th.

      • June 7, 2012 8:26 pm

        I completely forgot about hockey mullets! Mandated indeed! Thanks for sharing these sightings — mullets were not such a rare kind of Dodo after all.

    • June 7, 2012 7:57 pm

      Yes, Canada! You had mullets in Canada! Wait, Canada? Can we blame Canada? This mullet thing sounds like something you all would ship over to us as a nasty prank.

  3. June 6, 2012 6:33 am

    Anyone who has ever watched Saved by the Bell knows the mullet reigned supreme on Slater’s head. Everyone had them. Everyone. Including canines and felines.

    Your speech is up there with some of the greatest like the Gettysburg Address and Tom Cruise’s ramblings on Oprah. Brava!

    • June 6, 2012 11:45 am

      Ah, yes! Slater!

    • June 7, 2012 7:58 pm

      Slater’s sweet, sweet mullet — how did I forget about that thing?

      I’m thinking of selling my mullet speech to the Tea Party — I think they’d enjoy stumping with it.

  4. June 6, 2012 7:17 am

    I also had a mullet! (Connecticut represent) It was a short haircut that grew out. With no additional cutting, only the back grew. Strange? Yes. Surprising? Definitely. An unexpected look for a 5th grade girl? Um…all signs point to yes. Choppy on top with a tail in the back is NOT a good look on a little girl blossoming into womanhood. That picture you posted of Mel Gibson is a surprising exact match for my 5th grade school portrait.

    • June 6, 2012 7:51 am

      LOL Any number of male photos from the 80’s (especially the mullet variety!) could have been taken to the hair salon by any woman, “I’d like to do THIS, please.” I certainly had one, only mine aspired to more of a Brad PItt. In the 90’s, it was more David Lee Roth.

      • June 7, 2012 8:03 pm

        David Lee Roth — enlighten me on this. Did he have a mullet? All I can think of is his rat’s nest on the video for Jump. And those skin tight pants — blech.

      • June 7, 2012 9:14 pm

        The “David Lee Roth:” Long, permed and permed again, scrunched, sprayed…teased a little, sprayed again…

        I was speaking of his days BEFORE male-pattern baldness was apparent. The 90’s big hair era needed to end…so that my hair would quit falling out.

        The mullet of the 80’s was brilliant, and I saved $$ by letting my sister cut it at home. Front — like my brothers’. Back — like my mom’s. Easy peasy for a 14-yr-old with scissors.

      • June 7, 2012 9:20 pm

        You are always amazing to me, Shannon — how are you not the President of the United States?

        Oh, THAT David Lee Roth. Yep, knew him well.

    • June 7, 2012 8:02 pm

      Yay, Connecticut! It’s okay, MC. It helps if we talk about it. I confessed on a comment above that I also had a mullet — a 1995 shag-wannabe that in fact was a mullet. For me, it was like the Emperor’s New Clothes where I was walking around thinking I had a shag and all the village people were saying, “Shhhhhh! don’t tell her it’s a mullet!”

  5. June 6, 2012 7:52 am

    Ah, so sweet! Mullets RULE! They’re the great combination of “nice boy,” properly managed approved-by-mom-and-dad hair cut…with a little bit of “bad boy” that can easily be tucked down the back of a shirt in a pony tail. HA! Let’s see you do that with a Beatle’s bowl cut.

    However…if my husband ever got one, I’d cut that pony tail in his sleep. Don’t want to encourage the boys.

    Happy Birthday, Mr. Angie. Cheers.

    • June 7, 2012 8:05 pm

      You nailed it on the description of the nice boy/bad boy mullet — in fact, you made it almost seem poetic. You might be turning me around on this, Shannon. That’s quite reckless of you.

  6. Tony permalink
    June 6, 2012 8:02 am

    I always think of Mark as being the little fat kid from Stand By Me that grew up to be Jerry O’Connell. ;)

    • June 7, 2012 8:05 pm

      That’s such a spot-on comparison.

      Did Jerry O’Connell ever have a mullet?

  7. June 6, 2012 9:21 am

    Angie, I was getting teary-eyed during your speech while The Battle Hymn of the Republic on the cassette tape player. (Nice job on cassette tape player mention.) I stood up with my hand on my heart. I kept uttering, “Amen!” “Preach it Sister!” “Yes!” I tried to locate my mullet flag, but I was unsuccessful. (It’s probably in the same box with my bolo.)

    You moved me – your soap box tribute to mullets moved me. Mullets moved me.

    Happy birthday to your closet mullet man. May he find the confidence to come out of the closet at some point in his life. We are here waiting, and we will accept him.

    • June 7, 2012 8:08 pm

      Lenore, I knew you of anyone here would totally get it. “Mullets moved me”: That moved me.

      Seriously, I think you’re on to something with the flag thing — a mullet flag might be just crazy enough to sell. Bolo ties — nah.

  8. June 6, 2012 9:36 am

    I grew up just outside NYC and I can assure you that there were mullets aplenty in my middle school and high school yearbooks in the mid to late 1980s. As you proved so eloquently and maturely, they were not just a country bumpkin haircut.

  9. June 6, 2012 10:21 am

    Your hubby’s level of animosity toward this innocent coiffure can mean only one thing – he is blocking out the painful memories of his own mullet-filled adolescence. Perhaps some deep hypnosis would be an appropriate birthday present, to help him get in touch with his inner Billy Ray Cyrus? (guffawing like a loon here, Angie.)

    • June 7, 2012 8:11 pm

      We were playing Pictionary with friends a few years back and someone drew a basic stick figure and then started to draw a mullet on it, and immediately a person correctly guessed Billy Ray Cyrus. Mullets are basically his legacy.

  10. June 6, 2012 10:40 am

    Dear Angie,
    Your writing really needs to be a syndicated column. Although this was a very funny piece, I like that there is the underlying message about smalltown stereotyping and your response. My mother grew up on a dairy farm, and she was teased at school. Laughter and tears are very close, aren’t they? But back to a lighter note. Happy birthday to your husband, and I like the photo you retouched.
    Amy

    • June 7, 2012 8:13 pm

      Amy, you’re too good to me. Your poor mom! I can only somewhat relate since all my classmates were also hicks. And it takes one to know one.

  11. June 6, 2012 10:43 am

    That was the most beautiful speech about mullets I have ever, ever read.

    • June 7, 2012 8:13 pm

      Thanks, Nicki. I rehearsed it a few times in front of a mirror first.

  12. June 6, 2012 11:02 am

    I’m with your husband, Angie. Having grown up in Omaha, we were city-folk. And mullets were just not part of our city culture. I imagine they were prevalent in Broken Bow, Gothenburg, Crete, and Beatrice, however.

    Now we could shake our Achy-Breaky, um, hearts, but rockin’ the mullet – um, no!

    Okay, maybe there were a few outsiders in my graduating class of 700. Possibly. Do you think they were from small towns? :)

    • June 7, 2012 8:15 pm

      What is all this, MJ? You’re taking my husband’s side?! Of course, you city slickers always stick together.

  13. June 6, 2012 11:51 am

    Hmm….methinks Pegolegomyeggo is onto something here… Perhaps his mullet was the mulletiest mullet that ever existed. There has to be proof of this somewhere. And it is now your mission to find it and expose your dear husband right here on this blog. I have a feeling his mullet rivals even that of the Best Mullet Ever: Jesse on Full House.

    Happy birthday to your husband! Has he since this post yet?

    • June 7, 2012 8:17 pm

      I don’t know — I’ve never, ever seen a photo of him from that era and we’re at his parents’ house all the time. He might’ve even set fire to his school’s archives. Which would be highly illegal yet worth it to him.

      The Uncle Jesse Mullet should’ve been bronzed.

  14. June 6, 2012 11:57 am

    I do hope he has siblings with scores to settle and pictures to share. Because, yup, they were everywhere.

    But I can’t say I blame him for destroying all his pictures from a certain time. You have plenty of fodder already!

    • June 7, 2012 8:18 pm

      Yeah, now that I have a blog he’s lucky that those pictures are buried in a vault.

  15. beck16 permalink
    June 6, 2012 12:50 pm

    Bravo!!! *standing ovation*clapping*

    • June 7, 2012 8:19 pm

      Thanks — I’m thinking of starting my career over as a lobbyist for mullets.

  16. June 6, 2012 2:28 pm

    I was hopign to arrange a live performance from DeBarge for the Natal day event, but their very uptown mullets are a little offended right now.

    • June 7, 2012 8:22 pm

      Holy crap, it goes back that far? DeBarge was my first interracial crush — I must’ve been too delirious after my YMCA junior aerobics workout to Rhythm of the Night to even notice what mess of mullet he was sporting on his head.

  17. June 6, 2012 6:28 pm

    Happy birthday to your hubby! Mullet or not, hope it’s a great one! :)

  18. June 6, 2012 6:42 pm

    happy birthday to your billy ray! as i’ve said, you two are a swell looking couple. Hope he has a great day :) Ps. the 16 year-old in me thanks you for the brad pitt pic

    • June 7, 2012 8:27 pm

      Aw, thanks. And whenever you want to find some hot men in mullets, let me know.

  19. mary permalink
    June 6, 2012 8:01 pm

    There *must* be a photograph. Somewhere. In a box. In a basement. You need to dig deeper on this one, Angie. I think this story’s got legs. You’re gonna blow this thing wide open. Even kids in the big city had mullets. Starting with your hubs.

    • June 7, 2012 8:28 pm

      Mary, you are a laugh riot. And you’re inspiring the Woodward and Bernstein in me to get to the bottom of this mullet business.

  20. June 6, 2012 8:26 pm

    I really think he looks great with a mullet and he needs to just go for it. Maybe he can singlehandedly bring the mullet craze back just for you. In honor of that great mullet speech.

    • June 7, 2012 8:33 pm

      Karen, I think you’re right; he could launch the mullet comeback. Or maybe I will! I personally hate always being on the back end of a trend — nope, not this time. If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me.

  21. June 6, 2012 8:56 pm

    People still have mullets in Philadelphia. We are weeding these people out…but there’s a big city for you!!

    • June 7, 2012 8:34 pm

      “We are weeding these people out…” Hilarious! I’m laughing yet I’m worried you’re sending them here.

      • June 9, 2012 7:45 am

        Haha, awesome reply.
        I bet there are people willing to buy the mullets bus tickets. What stop are you closest to?

      • June 11, 2012 8:08 pm

        Um, Mulletville, just off the interstate…

  22. June 6, 2012 10:03 pm

    Your mullet post was everything I hoped it could be. So funny. I don’t want to get all up in your business and stuff, but it seems to me like the best thing your husband could do for your next birthday is grow a mullet. Nothing says “I love you” like self-inflicted humiliation.

    • June 7, 2012 8:37 pm

      Thanks, Carly — after I saw Travis Tritt’s photo in your post, I knew I had to make dems mullets real proud.

  23. June 6, 2012 10:21 pm

    I cannot personally testify to the existence of mullets in cities because during the time in question I was strictly small town, but TV doesn’t lie. Nobody famous does anything because it is trending only in the small towns, and there were tons of famous people on TV sporting the mullet. The way your *voice breaks* during your heartfelt speech made me proud to have come of age in the 80’s. Totally bitchin!

    • June 7, 2012 8:38 pm

      Lynnette, why oh why didn’t I think to mention your experience, that you could even braid mullets Laura Ingalls-style? That would’ve taken mullets to the next level.

      • June 7, 2012 9:23 pm

        mullet with the prairie braids, mullet with a rat tail, mullet with the long bangs over one eye, mullet with a perm, cornrowed mullet with shaved designs on the sides, mullet pulled into a banana clip, mullet with a bandanna for a hairband (are you hearing Forrest Gump’s voice run down this list, ala shrimp?)

      • June 11, 2012 7:41 pm

        Lynette, you know more about mullet formations than I know about ’80s sitcoms. And that is shocking.

      • June 12, 2012 7:00 am

        I am a little surprised myself. But what else did we have to do back then but study the culture? And what a culture it was…

  24. June 6, 2012 11:58 pm

    …but did he ever wear clogs?

    • June 7, 2012 8:40 pm

      No, but I did during my Dazed and Confused phase in college. And I know you did. And I’m so glad I had the pleasure of seeing your mullet, in all its glory, in that video where you were perfecting your father-son hand jive. Bonding through hand jives and mullets — that’s why we procreate.

  25. June 7, 2012 8:38 am

    *sigh* I had one for a while. Pretty similar to the one in that Clooney pic (oh, the similarities between he and I just go on and on).

    I don’t think it was just a small town thing. He’s hiding something. Something terrible. “MC Hammer-pants” terrible.

    • June 7, 2012 3:22 pm

      Byronic Man, if you don’t send Angie those pictures, like, yesterday, I just don’t know if this whole thing is going to work out.

      • June 7, 2012 8:31 pm

        Yes, we’ve never had a mullet in the competition before — that kind of entry would be big time.

      • June 7, 2012 8:31 pm

        And by “we” I mean the royal we.

    • June 7, 2012 8:43 pm

      Of course you did, Byronic Man. I could’ve bet money you once had a mullet. Speaking of hiding things and MC Hammer-pants, you could hide about anything in MC Hammer-pants. I knew a kid who used them as his book bag.

  26. Emily permalink
    June 7, 2012 11:06 am

    You forgot about MacGuyver–he had a mullet too.

    • June 7, 2012 8:45 pm

      MacGyver’s mullet could be used to pick locks and dismantle bombs.

  27. June 7, 2012 1:36 pm

    I am giving my dog a mullet in honor of your husband’s birthday.

    • June 7, 2012 8:45 pm

      That’s real swell of you — I hope he won’t get picked on in obedience school.

  28. June 7, 2012 3:21 pm

    Well, Angie. I think he OWES it to you at this point, after a) that comment he had the nerve to make, b) your awe-inspiring argument, and c) hiding any potential evidence (didn’t he/his mother know you were going to start this blog?!).

    • June 7, 2012 8:46 pm

      How can anyone hide a mullet, that’s the question — maybe I’m not looking in the right places, maybe I need to start digging around in the backyard.

  29. June 8, 2012 5:11 am

    Hilarious! Thanks for the LOLs :-) I actually know quite a few men who wish they had hair sufficient to grow their own mullet… P.S. I totally blogrolled you!

    • June 11, 2012 7:43 pm

      Wow, I never thought about that — just the ability to grow a mullet is probably a luxury when you’re middle aged. That explains why Michael Bolton kept his thinning mullet for oh-so long. Thanks for the blogroll listing! I don’t have a blogroll. I probably need to get on that.

  30. John-Paul permalink
    June 8, 2012 3:17 pm

    Could you keep the post quality down a bit please? I am now 75th in the line to make a comment (“thanks for calling, your call is important to us, there is 3 hour wait, please hold”). New Zealand IS a small town so pretty much everyone had mullets in the 80s here.

    • June 11, 2012 7:56 pm

      Excellent — now I can go to my mullet map board and stick a little pin on New Zealand. When I’m finished mapping this out, I’m worried that international agents will confiscate my research.

  31. mark permalink
    June 11, 2012 8:25 pm

    I rarely feel the need to jump into one of my wife’s posts and defend myself – thankfully she’s obeying our cardinal rule of never tossing me to the blogger wolves – but I feel I must speak up about my lack of a mullet in the face of Jules’ malicious accusations. Et tu, Julute?

    I was much too busy being uncool and living in social ostracization hell because of my propensity to look like a Canadian Lesbian (think Seattle grunge of 1990 meets Androgyny and you’re there!) to have made time for a mullet. Pics don’t exist from this time period because i did mankind, and Canada, a favor and burnt them all.

    Perhaps mullets did indeed attack large and small towns alike like a pack of wild dogs on the last turkey leg bone of society, but I was too busy jamming out to pearl jam in my plaid shirt and unisex Pepe jeans to bother to pay attention. Yes, that’s my defense and it’s a lock solid as the 5th amendment. .

  32. June 20, 2012 11:57 am

    Mullets transcend rich and poor, black and white, redneck and big city! Haha, I love it! Although I have to say, JUST SAY NO! No to the mullet! Shouldn’t there be a D.A.R.E program for that??

    I thought they were gone…and then in Indiana I saw the most pronounced mullet I’ve ever seen. Don’t worry, I did take photos. They’ll be up on the blog soon.

    -M

    • June 20, 2012 4:51 pm

      A D.A.R.E program would be a fantastic way to cure the world of the use of mullets. But I hope you won’t go so far as to say we should make them illegal. Oh, no. Bad idea. Because history shows that making them illegal is what causes a rise in organized crime.

      I will look forward to seeing that sweet Indiana mullet.

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