Lawsuits, Contests and Hanging Chads
So if you read my last post on Sunday, you’ll know that 1982-Angie (seen at left) plagiarized a story, pissed off the karma kittens and pretty much ruined all chances of her ever one day appearing on the Today show.
Since then, the blogger known as The Byronic Man gave me some sound legal advice.
Essentially, he told me to sue my way into the spotlight.
And although he is not an attorney, he is a comedian. And actor and writer and model and some kind of lecturer and possibly a historian and maybe also an Olympic kick-boxer and I think some kind of Phantom of the Opera stand-in and definitely the inventor of the word “byronic.” That’s why I’m fully confident I have reasonable cause to pursue litigation against Jeremiah the self-interviewing YouTube jester.
But that got me thinking. Why stop there? There are so many ideas I’ve invented that I’ve never received due credit for. In fact, over the past 36 years of my life, there are perhaps thousands of entities I could sue for intellectual property theft. Here are just a few:
1. Wendy’s Restaurants. After a lengthy discussion inside a Wendy’s restaurant in 1984, my brother and I concluded that, while Wendy’s had the best hamburgers, McDonald’s had the best fries. We determined a merger of the two restaurant chains — McWendy’s — would create the greatest fast food restaurant in the entire history of our fat, decaying modern civilization. Of course, that merger never occurred.
But twenty-six years later, Wendy’s improved their french fries. Coincidence?
2. Anyone who has ever used the word “biff”. My brother and I invented this word after seeing a Family Feud episode in which the biggest doofus contestant in game show history blew the entire game for his family. His name was Biff.
3. My high school’s class of 1995. In 1990, I began calling the carpeted benches in my high school lobby “schmangees”. The word caught on and soon everyone within a ten-mile radius of the soda vending machines knew exactly what a schmangee was. A year after I graduated, the class of 1995 published the word schmangee in a glossary in their yearbook.
4. Dr. Emmett Brown. Long story short, I was perfecting time travel so I could go back to the Mesozoic era and ride a unicorn. While in the process of fine tuning my invention of the 1.21 Gigawatts Booster, Doc Brown stole my files and created what we now know today as the flux capacitor.
5. Hasbro. In 1981, I fell in love with the winged horse Pegasus after watching Clash of the Titans. He lacked only one important thing — a horn. If only we could hybrid a feather-winged unicorn, I lamented. At that point in time, it had never been done. So I looked to Hasbro’s My Little Pony for help. They laughed in my face, saying such a creation would be anatomically impossible to achieve.
Twenty years later, Diamond Glow was born.
6. People who attended kindergarten within the years 1981 to 1984. While learning to tie my shoes, I created a lace-tying memory technique I named “The Bugsy” in which you loop one lace in a formation resembling a bunny ear, before running Bugsy around the tree and back into his rabbit hole.
I’ve had to scale back the pool of defendants in this suit due to the invention of velcro shoes and Crocs — kids haven’t tied their shoes since 1986.
7. People who write lists of entities they could sue for intellectual property theft and then publish those lists on their blogs. Not a legal suit that is currently pending but it has been added to my list as a preventative measure.
I’ve been wondering if last week’s Dynomite! contest was rigged.
Before I continue with that, I first want to say congratulations to our Dynomite! contestants Cathie and Jules. You two are big losers. Technically speaking, of course. No, really — I actually think you’re the winningest winners ever.
They tied — with equal votes. And that never, ever happens.
I wish I could blame it on hanging chads. I wish I could blame it on George Bush. Dammit, Al Gore should’ve been our 43rd cat-riding, bolo tie-wearing President!
I need your help. We need to do another vote. Here are your two final contestants.
You have only one day to cast your vote. Voting will end at 6 AM CST on Wednesday.