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Lawsuits, Contests and Hanging Chads

July 10, 2012

So if you read my last post on Sunday, you’ll know that 1982-Angie (seen at left) plagiarized a story, pissed off the karma kittens and pretty much ruined all chances of her ever one day appearing on the Today show.

Since then, the blogger known as The Byronic Man gave me some sound legal advice.

Essentially, he told me to sue my way into the spotlight.

And although he is not an attorney, he is a comedian.  And actor and writer and model and some kind of lecturer and possibly a historian and maybe also an Olympic kick-boxer and I think some kind of Phantom of the Opera stand-in and definitely the inventor of the word “byronic.”  That’s why I’m fully confident I have reasonable cause to pursue litigation against Jeremiah the self-interviewing YouTube jester.

But that got me thinking.  Why stop there?  There are so many ideas I’ve invented that I’ve never received due credit for.  In fact, over the past 36 years of my life, there are perhaps thousands of entities I could sue for intellectual property theft.  Here are just a few:

1.  Wendy’s Restaurants.  After a lengthy discussion inside a Wendy’s restaurant in 1984, my brother and I concluded that, while Wendy’s had the best hamburgers, McDonald’s had the best fries.  We determined a merger of the two restaurant chains — McWendy’s — would create the greatest fast food restaurant in the entire history of our fat, decaying modern civilization.  Of course, that merger never occurred.

But twenty-six years later, Wendy’s improved their french fries.  Coincidence?

This is Biff who biffed it on Family Feud.

2.  Anyone who has ever used the word “biff”.  My brother and I invented this word after seeing a Family Feud episode in which the biggest doofus contestant in game show history blew the entire game for his family.  His name was Biff.

3.  My high school’s class of 1995.  In 1990, I began calling the carpeted benches in my high school lobby “schmangees”.  The word caught on and soon everyone within a ten-mile radius of the soda vending machines knew exactly what a schmangee was.  A year after I graduated, the class of 1995 published the word schmangee in a glossary in their yearbook.

My plan called for this to be shaped like a fuzzy Care Bear paw.

4.  Dr. Emmett Brown.  Long story short, I was perfecting time travel so I could go back to the Mesozoic era and ride a unicorn.  While in the process of fine tuning my invention of the 1.21 Gigawatts Booster, Doc Brown stole my files and created what we now know today as the flux capacitor.

5.  Hasbro.  In 1981, I fell in love with the winged horse Pegasus after watching Clash of the Titans.  He lacked only one important thing — a horn.  If only we could hybrid a feather-winged unicorn, I lamented.  At that point in time, it had never been done.  So I looked to Hasbro’s My Little Pony for help.  They laughed in my face, saying such a creation would be anatomically impossible to achieve.

My plan was that she’d be named Rainbow Horny Wings.

Twenty years later, Diamond Glow was born.

6.  People who attended kindergarten within the years 1981 to 1984.  While learning to tie my shoes, I created a lace-tying memory technique I named “The Bugsy” in which you loop one lace in a formation resembling a bunny ear, before running Bugsy around the tree and back into his rabbit hole.

I’ve had to scale back the pool of defendants in this suit due to the invention of velcro shoes and Crocs — kids haven’t tied their shoes since 1986.

7.  People who write lists of entities they could sue for intellectual property theft and then publish those lists on their blogs.  Not a legal suit that is currently pending but it has been added to my list as a preventative measure.

***********

I’ve been wondering if last week’s Dynomite! contest was rigged.

Before I continue with that, I first want to say congratulations to our Dynomite! contestants Cathie and Jules.  You two are big losers.  Technically speaking, of course.  No, really — I actually think you’re the winningest winners ever.

JP and Lenore, however, are neither winners nor losers.  I don’t know what they are.  Maybe big fat cheaters who want to force me to double my prize offerings.

They tied — with equal votes.  And that never, ever happens.

I wish I could blame it on hanging chads.  I wish I could blame it on George Bush.   Dammit, Al Gore should’ve been our 43rd cat-riding, bolo tie-wearing President!

I need your help.  We need to do another vote.  Here are your two final contestants.

Lenore

JP

You have only one day to cast your vote.  Voting will end at 6 AM CST on Wednesday.

59 Comments leave one →
  1. July 10, 2012 6:20 am

    I’m hoping for another tie, although I suspect you may have already patented the idea of perpetuating a fun contest by having it end in a tie over and over.

    • July 10, 2012 11:10 am

      No tie! Nooooo. Please don’t say that — you have no idea how hard it is to find not one but two copies of New Edition on 8-track.

  2. July 10, 2012 6:31 am

    I’m immediately starting a petition drive to rename Diamond Glow (lame) to Rainbow Horny Wings. I don’t know if that will soothe your tortured soul, but I help it will help out a little. You can even sue me for this comment if you’d like.

    • July 10, 2012 11:12 am

      This makes my heart feel happy and light. It lifts me up — it gives my heart wings! And a large pointy horn of course.

      I’m consulting with Byronic Man to see what he thinks about your mention of Rainbow Horny Wings in this comment — my comedian may be in touch.

  3. July 10, 2012 6:33 am

    HA! It’s still tied!

    • July 10, 2012 11:13 am

      Blast it! What is our universe trying to tell us? Is there room in the spotlight for both a bolo tie and a cat rider?

  4. July 10, 2012 6:34 am

    In America, anybody can sue anybody for anything. So you go, girl. Just don’t make me send you to Manitoba. (http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2011/06/05/manitoba-bound/)

    • July 10, 2012 11:18 am

      Dude, I remember reading this post and I am still reeling from it. And I’m also feeling a little bit hungry since reading a Do Not Eat package two weeks ago.

  5. July 10, 2012 6:46 am

    80’s diva? Wondermom? Inventor? Wow. You really CAN do it all. I agree with Byronic. Sue ’em. It’s as American as apple pie.

    • July 10, 2012 11:20 am

      Yes, Shannon — you’re right! Since I don’t buy fireworks on the 4th, this is the best way I know how to show my patriotism.

  6. July 10, 2012 6:55 am

    Biff, shoes that tie themselves, time travel, and unicorns … well not so much the unicorns but I think you have a strong case to sue Robert Zemeckis. Your case defintely looks watertight.

    • July 12, 2012 9:47 am

      You’re right; I taught Robert (or “Bobarino” as I call him) everything he knows. I also taught him how to make Forrest Gump appear to be mooning Lyndon Johnson.

  7. July 10, 2012 6:55 am

    May I suggest that if they tie again you make them fight to the death with a rousing game of musical chairs??

    • July 10, 2012 9:13 am

      A musical chairs duel! Excellent idea. Angie could record it for YouTube, narrate the event and really show Jeremiah who’s boss.

      • July 10, 2012 9:31 am

        Oh, she should totally do that! Angie could be famous. Well…she’s already pretty famous in my eyes…but youtube famous!

      • July 12, 2012 9:49 am

        Oh, no! Now someone’s going to rip off my great musical chairs idea! Actually, Darla could sue me for even just reading these comments.

    • July 12, 2012 9:48 am

      Thank goodness that wasn’t necessary. By the way, your GG caption contest about musical chairs is still the best caption contest entry in the history of caption contests.

      • July 12, 2012 9:58 am

        I’m thinking of having that engraved on my tombstone.

      • July 12, 2012 10:00 am

        Why wouldn’t you? I’m having Inventor of the Self-Interview on mine.

      • July 12, 2012 10:01 am

        Yeah! That’ll show him!

        Course…you’ll be dead and he won’t be so I guess he wins?

      • July 12, 2012 10:04 am

        Good point. What about sky writing?

  8. July 10, 2012 7:02 am

    Rainbow Horny Wings…the guaranteed Halloween costume contest winner at gay bars everywhere.

    If I were a lawyer I would definitely offer my legal services to help you in your plight. But I’m not. I can, however, offer up my accounting services to add up all the money you’ve lost over the years. I think that would just make you sad though (and angry).

    I’ve been coming up with (mostly stupid) inventions since I was a kid and from time to time I see my ideas show up on TV. I’ve got to get something patented already. Mostly just so nobody else can profit.

    • July 12, 2012 9:52 am

      You are amazing, Carly. I will be shocked if that costume idea of yours doesn’t get ripped off. Since I conceived of Rainbow Horny Wings, we would both have grounds for a lawsuit if that costume comes to be. Let’s keep our ears and eyes open for the upcoming Pride Week parades.

  9. July 10, 2012 8:05 am

    Schmangees! What is that! What a wonderful legacy. Where did you come up with that?

    • July 12, 2012 9:54 am

      Schmangee came from an SCTV (essentially, the Canadian Saturday Night Live of the ’80s) skit about a couple of brothers in a polka band. See — anyone who uses the word could never come up with such an elaborate explanation of origin. That’s how you know I’m not making this up.

  10. July 10, 2012 9:02 am

    Hi Angie,
    You continue to amaze me with the material you come up with, your memory, and your hilarious narration. How do you do it? Thank you for making your readers so happy.
    Amy

    • July 12, 2012 10:01 am

      Oh, Amy. You are too kind. I am not paying you to make these super awesome comments — but I will send you a carton of Pop Rocks for your efforts. When you get back from Italy, of course.

  11. July 10, 2012 10:32 am

    It’s still a (bolo) tie! HA HA! Man oh man. Speaking of man, your intro with B-Man killed me. “…and some kind of lecturer and possibly a historian…”

    You have been robbed so many times. I need to sit on my schmangee and really think this over.

    • July 12, 2012 10:03 am

      Ha — perfect use of the word schmangee, my friend! Too bad I have to sue you now for using it.

      Thank goodness the longest round of Dynomite! ever is now done and over. We can all move on now and I can get back to what I’m here to do — throw crap on a page.

  12. July 10, 2012 10:41 am

    You ROCK!

  13. July 10, 2012 11:14 am

    You are so good at this! Thank you for adding laughter to my day (and snot to my coffee from laughing so hard)!

    • July 12, 2012 10:06 am

      Thanks for the former — and 1979-Angie would approve of the latter.

  14. surroundedbyimbeciles permalink
    July 10, 2012 12:55 pm

    McDonald’s still has better fries than Wendy’s.

  15. July 10, 2012 1:29 pm

    Well, I’m not a lawyer, but I pretended to be one in a play once, which I think means I can offer legal counsel in 22 states.

    I would like to represent you in these lawsuits on a pro bono basis (“pro bono” is Latin for “for 50% of whatever we earn”).

    • July 12, 2012 10:08 am

      Didn’t you also pretend to be a woman once? What does that mean in 22 states?

  16. July 10, 2012 7:36 pm

    I had that SAME conversation with MY brother in Wendy’s. Do we have to sue each other now? Or maybe you could just enter one of my epic childhood photos into one of your Dynomite! contests and we could call it even? I’ve got a few winners.

    • July 10, 2012 7:38 pm

      Rachel, you’re already going into my Dynomite! school photos contest. I think I’ll launch that one next week. Your school photo is epic. I’ll send you an email when you’re up.

      And, yes, my comedian will be in touch about that conversation you allegedly had with your brother.

      • July 11, 2012 9:03 am

        Oh yeah, I forgot about the school photo specific contest you were having. I’m very excited!

        I have two more photos in the series if you’d like to see them–a progression of sorts. They get better and worse at the same time.

  17. mary permalink
    July 10, 2012 8:29 pm

    Thank goodness I went to kindergarten in 1979! Whew, off the hook… For now…

    • July 12, 2012 10:11 am

      I didn’t put The Bugsy into full operation until 1981. But if we go back to when I actually thought up The Bugsy, I’d have to include you kids of 1979. You may be hearing from my comedian on this matter.

  18. July 10, 2012 9:50 pm

    True story: My little sister was sued for $150,000 when she was 13 years old for a recess altercation that had happened in Grade 6. The claimant (is that what they call the person doing the suing?) was in the process of shoving wet, cut grass down my sister’s shirt one day at recess but slipped and re-dislocated his already dislocated shoulder in the process. Stupid school board settled out of court and the little punk had his university education completely paid for… jerk!

    • July 12, 2012 10:17 am

      WHAT?! Where in the world did you grow up — Canada? Only teasing. I mean, where in the world did you grow up? North Korea? How could this ever happen?

      Although, this gives me hope — I might be taking up a suit against my childhood friend Katie. She made me laugh too hard during recess — and I peed my pants. I’d like some restitution for my emotional suffering. Not to mention for the cost of the pants.

      • July 12, 2012 12:04 pm

        Yeah, all the radio stations in town ran a contest while the lawsuit was going on. You could phone in and tell people what you would have been sued for when you were 13, and the person with the best story won some awesome prize. Who knew Canada was such a lawsuit-happy nation? ;)

  19. July 11, 2012 7:56 am

    You have been full of good ideas since birth, Angie. I rather like the sound of McWendy’s. I hope they would incorporate a McFrosty.
    Is Byronic John Cusack? I mean, have the two been seen in the same room?
    And did you have to bring up Family Feud? Makes me think about Richard Dawson all over again. *sigh* I heart Richard Dawson.

    • July 12, 2012 10:21 am

      Richard Dawson — really, Lenore? He always reminded me of a creepy uncle. A creepy uncle who wanted to give me lollipops and then try to french kiss me. Not that I had one of those uncles. But if I did he’d be just like Richard Dawson.

      The half-face thing completely throws off my vision. So without seeing B-Man’s entire face, he could be just about anyone. He could be Richard Dawson.

  20. July 11, 2012 8:53 am

    I was watching Design Star on HGTV last night and one of the contestants decorated his high-end living room with schmangees. Unfortunately, he will not be going on to the finals.

    • July 12, 2012 10:23 am

      Oh, Peg — you went and did it again. I’ve laughed so hard I just peed on my schmangee. Dammit, see what you made me do? I have grounds to sue you now, according to my good friend Dana (see above).

  21. July 11, 2012 12:25 pm

    I still maintain that I came up with the word “Typpy” to describe all the typical looking/acting peers in high school…I swear, after I started using it, it kept coming up everywhere…I know just how you feel…Especially about McDonald’s fries.

    Wow, only a week off from WordPress, and I’ve missed so much! Gotta catch up with everyone’s blogs! After I voted for JP I realized that I was about 4 1/2 hours (PST) too late….Arrrrgh!! Oh well. ;)

    • July 12, 2012 10:26 am

      Don’t worry about catching up on blogs — at least, not my blog. It’s really the typpies that I usually write about and I can fill you in pretty quickly — bolo ties, cat riding, boogers, Rainbow Horny Wings, NKOTB and intellectual property theft. All caught up now.

  22. July 13, 2012 10:43 am

    what’s that thing, in between JP’s legs? =O

    • July 13, 2012 2:52 pm

      You know, now that you mention it, I can’t actually confirm that it’s a cat.

  23. July 13, 2012 12:09 pm

    What? What? WHAT? I didn’t win?? It’s rigged! RIGGED I tell ya! I was a shoe-in! Gosh darn it! People LIKE ME! Maybe you need more current pics of my big hair, blue eyeshadow and colorful scarf? I can get you newer pics!

    ::snort::

    • July 13, 2012 2:47 pm

      Oh, darn. I’m sorry, Cathie! Maybe I should’ve used the prom dress picture you also sent — that was really some dress! But in the end, the scarf is really what set this picture apart. Oh, and the band uniform of course.

  24. Cathy permalink
    September 30, 2012 1:17 pm

    In the very late 1999’s, I totally invented flower hairclips. You know, the big ones? I went to the craft store, bought huge plastic flowers, tore them off their stems and attatched them to sliver clips. I wore them to work everyday, bringing joy and light to all who saw. It was like I was on a Tropical holiday. 6 months later, every catwalk and glossy magazine was selling MY look! Even my co-workers agreed I was ripped off! Oh, and absolutly LOVE yourblog! I’m reading my way through it and marvelling at the fact you love your childhood as much as I did! I still have a lot of my old toys from the ’80’s! :)

    • October 6, 2012 11:47 am

      Ooh, I feel such seething anger reading this, Cathy! Oh the injustice! Is there a God? I am not being a bit sarcastic here. Which is probably obvious since you read my own rant.

      Rainbow Horny Wings as a hair clip. Now that would’ve been something worth inventing. And no one would’ve ever ripped us off.

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