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What the . . . High on Caffeine Pills?

July 20, 2012

*What the…Friday? is a weekly Friday feature in which I resuscitate a video relic from the swampy pits of Pop Culture Wasteland.*

Today:  What the High on Caffeine Pills?

My life has officially run me over.

And I have the tire tracks to prove it.  Or facial acne.  Same difference.

I have taken on too much.  I do that sometimes.

The soon-to-be-five-year-old’s birthday party that I insist must include actual people.

The soon-to-be-five-year-old’s birthday cake that I insist must be made from scratch.

Six eggs.  Two sticks of butter.  You know, to continue the time-honored tradition of trying to out-mom my mom.

The impending vacation that requires cramming three weeks of work into a one-week work week.

Family in town, a fur-covered house to clean, a car purchase, a new Brady Bunch DVD set.

Two kids now sick.

All happening this week.

Writing this blog post just might be the first time I sat down — in two days.  Not including going to the bathroom (if only I could do that standing).  Not including the Brady Bunch marathoning.  And not including when I sat down long enough to cram a cupcake into my mouth.  But not long enough that I could taste it.

Hello, do I know you?  What, you’re my husband?  But you look so much like Robert Reed.

Halfway into Wednesday, I was ready to turn to drugs.

Caffeine pills, that is.

I once took a half of a NoDoz tablet in college and promptly threw up my finals week.  No help there.

And then I remembered the “Very Special” Saved by the Bell episode — Jessie’s (swan) Song.  And then I remembered how taking drugs helped Jessie stay ahead.

And then I decided, that’s some damn good (legal) sh*t.

And then I decided, I’ve got to get  some of that damn good (legal) sh*t  back to my hair bow days.  Where can I get one?  I like the way it flops around on one’s head in moments of pill-popping crisis — thereby diverting your attention from the crisis at hand.

And you never know when you’ll be in a pill-popping crisis and need a floppy hair bow.

I’ll pick one up soon.  I’ll put it on my to-do list.

81 Comments leave one →
  1. July 20, 2012 6:25 am

    Oh my god. This is my all-time favorite Saved by the Bell clip in the whole universe. I used to love reenacting it for my college roommates.
    You purchased a Brady Bunch box set and you’re expecting to get all those other gazillion things done? Don’t take up smoking like Greg did or build a stressful house of cards wearing a dangling bracelet or it might send you completely over the edge.

    • July 20, 2012 8:39 am


    • July 22, 2012 7:06 pm

      But what would you say if I showed up to a party wearing a black curly wig? Would it be safe to assume I’d have a good time? I really need to have a good time right now.

  2. July 20, 2012 6:27 am

    Caffiene pills are a one way street, sister. You’ll find that one doesn’t do it anymore, then you’re onto two or three, hanging around Starbucks, snickering at the part-skim machitto set and ordering Sambuca at the Four Seasons just for the three coffee beans they put in it. Before long, you’ll be onto to Dexxies, Bennies, Black Beauties and Yellow-Jackets. Luckily, all four of those illicit pills come in caffiene pill look-alikes, so you won’t have to break the law.

    Fortunately for you, I watch TV too. We’re setting up your intervention right now. If that doesn’t work, we’re gonna bring Michael Landon back from that big re-run in the sky to come down with that big guy with the beard and the Oakland A’s hat and they’ll set you straight – “Touched by an Angel” style.

    Sorry I went on and on, I know you’re pressed for time.

    • July 20, 2012 8:40 am


    • July 22, 2012 7:09 pm

      Your comments are like their own blog posts. They should stand alone. They should be chiseled into stone.

      Except, I’m assuming you mean Highway to Heaven? I’d always defer to Michael Landon and his bearded sidekick. Although, I’d probably also listen to Della Reese if she were to start slapping me upside the head.

      • July 22, 2012 7:28 pm

        Once, when i was standing on line at a DMV or somewhere and the woman ahead of me on line was named Dellareese Smith. I tried to talk with her about her cool name, but it was obvious she was tired of that topic by that point in her life.

      • July 22, 2012 7:31 pm

        You’re kidding, right? No way. I can’t believe she’d be standing in line at a DMV. That much too regular of an activity for her to be doing. Buying orchids in a flower shop. Doing yoga at the Y. But standing in line at a DMV? No way.

      • July 22, 2012 7:35 pm

        Actually, I think it was on the unemployment line, but I was trying to hide my dark past of being on the dole…

      • July 22, 2012 7:36 pm

        Did this unemployment line filter into the Lifetime Channel casting office? Because then I would believe you.

      • July 22, 2012 7:36 pm

        Just to clarify, it wasn’t Della Reese, it was Dellareese Smith or Jones or Washington or something.

      • July 22, 2012 7:39 pm

        Did Dellareese Smith star in Fame? Welcome Back Kotter? Maude?

        If she was just a regular person, then I can take back the part about how she wouldn’t be doing regular person stuff. Because then regular person stuff would probably be more expected.

      • July 22, 2012 7:46 pm

        Della Reese, the actress, was probably living large in France, by that point, where she is undoubtedly considered a genius. Dellareese Washington, the unemployed South Jerseyite, was out of work and applying for benefits with yours truly. She must have gotten to the place a minute or two ahead of me, or I never would have heard them call her name. Now! If you ask nicely, I’ll tell you about the time I paid my toll on the Atlantic City Expressway to a tolltaker with a famous name.

      • July 22, 2012 7:47 pm

        Before you get started, I feel we need a campfire burning behind you. Then I’m going to call up some of my friends and we’re going to gather round while you illustrate the story with shadow puppets.

      • July 22, 2012 7:51 pm

        Can we make S’mores?!?! Can we can we can we?!?!?

      • July 22, 2012 7:57 pm

        Yes, if we can use the dirt-covered twigs I find lying in my backyard for roasting marshmallows — you know, to make it extra authentic.

      • July 22, 2012 8:08 pm

        Like you, I’m a stickler for authenticity. The marshmallows should be burnt to ash on the outside, and the temperature of lava on the inside…and the twigs should have some dirt on them.

      • July 22, 2012 8:17 pm

        Bonus points if the marshmallow contains grass and/or shoe tread marks after it fell onto the ground.

      • July 22, 2012 8:20 pm

        Any more authentic than that, and we’d have to inhale campfire smoke.

      • July 22, 2012 8:51 pm

        For the record, I stopped to pay my toll on the Atlantic City Expressway, glanced at the toll-takers name badge, and was amazed to see she was named Emma Peel. I started to say something to her about it, but she had a look on her young, pretty face that told me in a second that she had no interest whatsoever in talking to another boob who thought it was cool that she had the same name as Diana Rigg’s character in the original Avengers. Besides, this was in Jersey, and one more second would’ve required the guy behind me to honk and flip me off.

      • July 22, 2012 9:18 pm

        For more reasons than one, it was wise you never said a word. If you’ve seen Office Space, you’ll recall what Michael Bolton thought of his celebrity name twin.

      • July 22, 2012 9:25 pm

        Now I’ve got to watch Office Space and pay attention?! Where are my caffeine pills? It’s gonna be a long night!

  3. July 20, 2012 6:52 am

    I’ve often said that if only I could pee standing up, the world would be a better place for everyone.

    Not tasting a cupcake while you are wolfing it down? That is a cry for help, Angie. I really feel for you. I do. I have my brother and his entire pet menagerie STILL here living with me. Please, send me some No-Doz. I’m begging you.

    Thanks for posting that clip. It’s brought back so many painful memories. Memories of the first time I saw that clip. Elizabeth Berkeley should have received am Emmy nod for that riveting piece of acting.

    Enjoy your upcoming vacation with Robert Reed. Just make sure he doesn’t drive you to the Grand Canyon.

    • July 20, 2012 8:40 am


    • July 22, 2012 7:23 pm

      No-Doz is not your friend, trust me. In my one-time experience, a half of a tablet has the capability of making a normal, seemingly-healthy person projectile-vomit a gyro across the room. You don’t want to mess with that kind of power.

      I’m not so afraid of the Grand Canyon so much as the crazy old miner who might lock me up in a ghost town jail. Wait, I forget — will the ancient Tiki necklace I found in Hawaii help or hurt my chances of escaping him? And is it possible that Sam the Butcher is behind all of it?

      You approached this comment from so many hilarious angles that I think I need to create some kind of award for that effort.

      • July 22, 2012 8:40 pm

        Award? Do you have any extra No-Doz lying around? I’ve always wanted to projectile-vomit my gyno across the room. [adjusting eyeglasses] Oops. Oh, okay–gyros, too.

        Here’s a fun factoid: The creepy little ditty that was ominously played every time the Tiki necklace was shown freaked me out so bad I slept curled up on the floor of my parents’ bedroom for weeks.

      • July 22, 2012 9:16 pm

        Hahahaha! Now that is seriously funny. I could hear that ominous ditty playing in my brain when I read this — all I had to do was imagine a tarantula crawling out of a beach bag and — voila! — there it was, back in my memory bank.

  4. July 20, 2012 8:44 am

    Did it ever occur to you that your readers are some of the sharpest knives in the drawer? I think I’ll just hang out and show my appreciation for their comments because coming up with something fresh is just too, too damn much work.

    Alas, I have to get back to work. Hope everything calms down in life so you don’t need to resort to the floppy hair bow. Don’t want you to get hooked on those.

    • July 22, 2012 7:15 pm

      If you didn’t notice, just the mere *sound* of your laughter makes me laugh like a rabid hyena.

      I’ve often said I have the funniest commenters in all of WordPress. I’m certain of it. Anyone can write a funny blog post (anyone? okay, I overshot that a bit) — but it takes a special kind of person to cram the funny inside a tiny text box. Of course, you know all this as I once dubbed you the Queen of Quips.

  5. July 20, 2012 9:43 am

    For the love of…chocolate, you must MUST take video and write a detailed post about the results of this wonderful legal over-the-counter assistance. I need to know the results.

    Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

    • July 22, 2012 7:27 pm

      Kimberly, I think you just gave me the best blog post idea ever and the best chance of my blog going viral for all the wrong reasons.

  6. July 20, 2012 10:55 am

    Forget caffeine pills! Coffee is the way to go, at least that’s what I do. Although because it’s a natural diuretic I’m probably spending all those extra minutes of wakefulness in the bathroom. But hey, you said that that does count as sitting so maybe it counts as a break in the chaos! No?
    Hoping it all comes together here and you get to relax soon. :)

    • July 22, 2012 7:33 pm

      Thanks, Audrey! I can’t get enough of coffee. I have a love affair with the stuff. Fair trade. Freshly ground. Extra, extra cream — but only if it’s real and never, ever the powdered or flavored stuff. See, I have such high standards for coffee that caffeine pills might be the less disappointing route.

  7. Running from Hell with El permalink
    July 20, 2012 11:14 am

    Passing you a cuppa Joe while I survey the destruction that only three children can wreck on a home.

    No Doz? LOL–good memories of that . . . and Saved by the Bell, or perhaps just memories that have grown better with time?

    Hope you get a break soon!

    • July 22, 2012 7:34 pm

      Thank you, thank you, thank you! For your support and empathy. Life has calmed down a bit now and I’m ready to shotgun that cuppa Joe you just gave me. I don’t care if it’s no longer hot.

  8. July 20, 2012 3:12 pm

    Oh, this post made me so happy. This is a classic episode that allows Zack Attack to show off his “serious” acting skills…at least I’m sure that’s what he tells his friends when they look up clips on youtube and mock him for it…

  9. July 20, 2012 3:32 pm

    I loved that episode! But sick kids are the worst, the absolute worst, followed by relatives who expect clean houses when you are taking care of sick kids and baking and packing for a vacation that’s really not a vacation. (It’s really a family trip. And we all know there’s a difference…)

    • July 22, 2012 7:43 pm

      Thank you for the sympathy — and thank goodness they’re well on the mend now. I have often said that the hardest part of parenting (at least, in these early days — never mind the drama to come with the teenage years ahead) is taking care of sick kids while you’re sick. Fortunately, this time I got off scot-free. Not so much as a sniffle. For that I’m thrilled!

  10. July 20, 2012 6:30 pm

    “I’m so excited! I’m so excited!! I’m so!…..scared!!”
    OMG!!! I love this episode!! My brother and I say this line to each other at random moments. Brings back awesome memories of the Saved by the Bell days.

    • July 21, 2012 5:11 pm

      I was browsing the comments and wondering if anyone would quote that. I knew someone just had to! HAHA

      • July 22, 2012 7:51 pm

        If you google Jessie Spano — bam! — the first few lines of searches are all related to that very line. It’s her true legacy.

    • July 22, 2012 7:49 pm

      Yes, that’s what made this a classic Very Special Episode. I wish I could remember whether there were Saved by the Bell actors talking to us kids in their best public-service-announcement voices at the end of the show, with maybe a hotline in white block letters across the screen.

  11. July 20, 2012 8:34 pm

    Oh my word, how do you remember this stuff? So funny. It scares me that I remember that episode. It scares me that I went through a hair bow stage. It scares me that you are considering it. Friends don’t let friends wear hair bows.

    Good luck with the party, the cake, and the turning 5 thing. That’s big time. ;)

    • July 22, 2012 7:55 pm

      Thanks, Karen. I don’t know that I even know how to wear a good hair bow anymore. I seem to remember being partial to the curled bangs and french braid fastened at the back with a large hair bow type of combo look. I don’t know that I could ever pull it off on the top of my head like Jessie did. I believe Nellie Oleson was the only other person in history who could rock that look.

  12. July 21, 2012 1:30 am

    Caffeine pills? That’s why they make mountain dew. And 5 hour energy drinks. And toothpicks for your eyes. To hold them open that is. You go, girl. Overworked Moms of America are proud of you.

    • July 22, 2012 8:14 pm

      Thank you, Barb — I forgot all about the toothpicks-to-the-eyes trick I learned from my good friends on Looney Tunes.

      • July 23, 2012 4:23 am

        Yes, and a good whop on the head with a manhole cover is a good waker-upper, too.

      • July 24, 2012 7:42 pm

        I see you’ve read the Acme Shenanigans Handbook, Barb.

  13. July 21, 2012 10:25 am

    CONFESSION: I can’t say the phrase “I’m so excited” without thinking of this scene.

  14. July 21, 2012 1:40 pm

    Aw, Ang, yeah, you need to have your own very special episode (WINK). Could you have any more going on!?

    And OMG, this was a clip I actually remembered! Playing it even got Peppermeister’s attention; now he’s playing the “Hot Sundae” music video on his lap top. Bravo to you, because he barely even reads MY blog.

    I hope things quiet down soon. And that you, I don’t know, maybe share some of those cupcakes. You’ll be too high to enjoy them anyway.

    • July 22, 2012 8:23 pm

      That Saved by the Bell clip is indeed epic. I try to use more obscure clips for my WTF? segments, and this video is so prevalent they practically showed it in our homeroom classes in high school. But I was tired *yawn*, unmotivated and all I could think of was how well it all worked out for Jessie Spano.

      The cupcakes were delicious, if I do say so myself. Of course, this could also be the munchies talking.

  15. July 21, 2012 6:45 pm

    And yet I still got my package in the mail filled with my prizes for being Dynomite!! Thanks, Angie!

    I am so sorry things are crazy right now. Things are good here, unless you consider the fact that I just screamed at the boys to go to bed, because I was tired of them running all around the house, yelling and chasing each other. Yep. Honky dory here. Oh sure, we have a thee day drive North coming up – and I need to pack, and clean, and prep for the house sitter. But life is good. Did I mention I have a headache? Awful.

    Enough about me. How are you? (hahahhahaha!) Hang in there.

    • July 22, 2012 8:25 pm

      You were at the top of my to-do list — not joking. I can scan it and email it to you for proof.

      Oh, wouldn’t it be great if we could meet for a drink right now? Best of luck with the packing and driving stuff.

  16. rachelocal permalink
    July 22, 2012 8:02 am

    I’ve been high on steroid pills all weekend from a bad case of poison ivy. If you want your heart to race and to stay up all night, definitely get some prednisone. You’ll be singing like Jessie in no time.

    • July 22, 2012 8:27 pm

      Poor thing! I hope it gets better soon. You’re the second blogger I know who got poison ivy this summer. I didn’t even know people could catch that unless they were off at summer camp.

  17. July 22, 2012 11:17 am

    Angie, I am officially old. I do not recognize this clip or either of the actors. I do remember the song, but that song is old too. Sigh. I do, however, remember No-Doz. All the nausea without the comforting warmth of a cuppa. No thanks.

    But, take it from me, the bathroom queen. It’s OK for women to pee standing up; the guys don’t get it near the pot either — why should you. And because you will no doubt be the one stuck cleaning the floor, at least you’ll know where it all came from.

    • July 22, 2012 8:32 pm

      You are officially better off, Elyse. I know I’m in the minority among my generation, but Saved by the Bell was the biggest waste of my time. I could’ve been riding my bike, volunteering at a soup kitchen, watching Charles in Charge — but no. I instead chose to waste my time with the Bayside High gang. Perhaps the most horrible acting, screenwriting and fashion in TV history.

      Great advice on the peeing-standing-up thing. I happen to be high on caffeine pills right now and this sounds like just the kind of dare I’d perform while wasted in college.

      • July 22, 2012 8:36 pm

        You are so incredibly, consistently funny. I’m so glad I stumbled onto your blog! Have a great vacation.

      • July 22, 2012 8:37 pm

        Thanks, Elyse! What a summer nice comment.

        It’s actually a staycation I’m taking — so I’ll be around here for a while.

  18. July 22, 2012 2:29 pm

    Have you heard about what an incredible, world-class scumbag “Screech” has become? Truly, one of the most loathsome people you’ll ever hear about.

    • July 22, 2012 8:35 pm

      Are you referring to his sex tape — “Screeched — Saved by the Smell”? Not making that up. Yes, he’s like the wholesome Danny Tanner turned dirty old man Bob Saget of his generation.

      • July 24, 2012 1:06 pm

        OMG. Didn’t he try selling Save Screech t-shirts when he was about to lose his house and THEN did the porn thing? Am I making this up? (Note that I’m at a computer and could look it up, but where’s the fun in that?)

      • July 24, 2012 7:37 pm

        Ahhhhhh! I must pretend I didn’t read this comment so I can continue to believe that the world is not quite this looney tunes.

  19. July 22, 2012 8:32 pm

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I hope that things have calmed down or will soon. And that your hair bow is flopping around like a fish out of water…:)

    • July 22, 2012 8:38 pm

      I didn’t get to the part on my to-do list where I bought that hair bow. Great, now you just reminded me that I’ve still got more work to do. Does it count that my feathered mall bangs are flopping?

  20. July 25, 2012 6:26 pm

    I totally remember this episode, like I remember all SBTB episodes. And, it’s like I’m in your head, cuz when I read the title, I totally thought of this episode before I read any of your post. Totally.

    • July 27, 2012 7:08 pm

      I’ve heard that in the new edition of Trivia Pursuit the category of Art & Literature will be replaced with Saved by the Bell.

      • July 28, 2012 12:43 am

        I’ll finally have a chance of actually winning.

  21. July 26, 2012 5:04 pm

    you are my hero Angie.

    • July 27, 2012 7:26 pm

      Like the Greatest American Hero curly-haired white guy type of hero? Oh, I hope so, MC!

      • July 27, 2012 8:14 pm

        Oh, him I know. He was adorable!

      • July 27, 2012 9:07 pm

        I know, wasn’t he? I always wanted to be that Connie Whatshername who played his girlfriend with the black, shiny hair.

  22. July 30, 2012 10:52 pm

    Oh, Saved by the Bell. I still can’t get over the fact that Screech is Mike D’s (of the Beastie Boys) brother. How is that possible? Talk about getting the short end of the stick…

    • July 30, 2012 11:25 pm

      No, they are not related. Lol
      Same last name but no relation.

      • July 31, 2012 5:56 pm

        Aw, darnit. You just crushed all my hopes and dreams for Weirdest Celebrity Sibling DNA Glitch.

    • July 31, 2012 5:55 pm

      Is that true?! Holy cow. We need to hire a Jerry Springer Show paternity test.

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