Dynomite! School Photo Edition
Didn’t we just do this — like, yesterday?
Yeah, thereabouts. What’s your point?
Aren’t we all sick of this by now?
Does it matter? I’ll have you know, I have an email inbox overflowing with old photos — old photos that have finally broken free. I’m talking free after decades spent living inside of cramped boxes. I’ve seen those boxes. There’s no space for them to move around. They’re not allowed access to grass, they poop on each other’s heads, they’re miserable.
So let’s not deny those photos of their shot at freedom — and you’ll surely agree these contestants deserve that respect. They are much braver than I. Maybe you’ve noticed this blog has never featured school photos from my adolescent years.
But you’re probably thinking, surely I have nowhere to go but up from here?
Actually, from here I took a downward spiral plunge — off a cliff and to the jagged rocks below. By the time my mangled body was recovered, I looked a lot like Arnold Horshack.
Now before we get started, I must apologize that I have no male contestants competing this round. Rest assured, guys, Childhood Relived is an Equal Opportunity Employer.
See? Here’s a look back at our past male contestants.
Handsome fellows, am I right?
This round is comprised of five talented female bloggers. (But I’d like to emphasize this is not a contest exclusively for bloggers. We bloggers are just much more comfortable with stripping off our dignity for entertainment sake.)
I’d also like point out that at the end of this I’ll ask you to vote for the most Dynomite! school photo. So be ready for some soul-searching.
The winner of this competition will (1) be featured on my site (still lookin’ good there, Lenore) and (2) receive a special Flashback in a Box (showcased here) delivered right to her door! In addition, (3) I will soon be presenting a Dynomite! Wall of Fame page on my blog, so we can all look back on our past winners. You know, for when we need ideas for costume parties, for when the government wants proof of unidentified flying hair wings. Et cetera, et cetera.
Now let’s meet our contestants!
1.) Lynnette [Wordtabulous — life, writing and the pursuit of wholeness]
The symmetry of Lynnette’s hair is admirable. And frankly, it pisses me off. You’ll note that the split of her hair across her forehead, together with her eyebrows, forms a perfect equilateral triangle. Try as I might, the best triangle I could ever achieve was a scalene. Let’s move on as I wince in pain from retroactive envy syndrome.
2.) Heather [Becoming Cliche — my journey to becoming my mother]
My favorite thing about Heather is all the many layers of perm (which Heather assures me is intentional) that cascade down her shoulders to form an understated mullet. I’m also a big fan of glasses that are broad enough to surround both eyebrows and cheekbones. I have searched for frames that even encompass earlobes and widow’s peaks, but, alas, I am left wanting.
3.) Kim [Kimberliah — the story of a working mom/wife…as told by the voices in my head]
Aside from the swoopiest wave of bangs I’ve ever seen — I’m talking pass the ginger ale, I’m seasick — Kim earns bonus points as the only Dynomite! kid with two fully-functioning eyes. She is also wearing a shirt made from the pelt of a rare yellow tiger. Hot pink, red, fluorescent green? Dime a dozen, those tigers. But I’d come to believe the yellow ones were extinct.
4.) Shannon [Dirt N Kids — mommy is my heart, soil is my spirit]
I appreciate that Shannon’s hair is the perfect shade and silhouette of a Super Mario Brothers goomba. Of course, a mention of this resemblance would’ve been lost on a 1981-Shannon. A Space Invader? Perhaps more fitting of the times. Also, the velour of her v-neck shirt is oh-so pretty and oh-so similar to the one I had in purple. And pink. And blue.
5.) Rachel [Rachel’s Table — a local food experiment]
It’s not easy to spot in this photo, but Rachel is wearing the black-on-blue combo that I especially loved in 1980s yarnwear. What would make me happy is to learn there was a yellow triangle and red square in there, too. You’ll notice her bangs are fashioned into a blooming hydrangea, which nicely off-set her slightly askew glasses. I can almost see those hydrangea petals sparkling with morning dew drops, the kind that derive from a can of Super-Hold Aqua Net.
Now here’s the hard part. You must vote for your favorite.
In case of a close match, I reserve the right to advance the top TWO contestants to a one-on-one, fight-to-the-death finalist match next week.
This round of voting will end at 6 AM CST next Wednesday.