Dear Angie, I Pinky Promise That I Did Not Eat Any of Those Stickers
Or, actually, her 7-year-old self is guest-posting.
Or, actually, this is her old pen pal letter to me. That I, um, found in a box somewhere. For more on our pen pal letters, click here and it’ll all make sense. You know, like how dolphins and rainbows together make sense.
3rd August 1989
I do hope George Washington’s mother grounded him for playing with that axe? My mum won’t even let me play with scissors. Please tell him he owes me one cherry tree — you can forward my address.
I had a pet caterpillar named George once. George Harrison, actually. He made a crystallist, napped for a really long time and then turned into a beautiful flutterby. He was so pretty that I renamed him Kylie Minogue. After Kylie Minogue.
Thanks for your letter about rainbows, hotdogs and Dolly Parton’s boobs. I love the Care Bear paper you wrote it on. May I have some please? You can have it back later, only with words on.
I pinky promise that I did not eat any of those stickers you sent me, but I might have licked the one with a crab on because I wanted to know what crabs taste like. They just taste of glue — so don’t lick crabs unless you like glue.
I was not sure what to do with the Kool-Aid powder, so I fed it to the dog.
Is Gonzo the Muppet with a nose like a tap? Because if he is then I also think he is a tool. Is ‘tool’ another word for ‘poo head’?
I checked with my mum and she says that if I really want to be a Princess one day then I need to marry Prince William. So I am going to write a letter asking him to marry me. He is bound to say yes because I am a catch. Plus, I like castles.
A lady named Margaret Thatcher runs our country. She is made of iron and looks a bit like the Queen, only scarier. If you want to know what the Queen looks like -– please see the postage stamp.
The Queen no longer cuts off people’s heads when she’s mad. I think the axe must be too heavy for her now that she is old.
Can you be the President one day if you like? It must be easy peasy because my mum says your President gets to say funny things and make up words like ‘unugly’. I am funny and make up words like nuggledy, so I think I would be a natural.
I have enclosed photos of me and my brother Joe, which were taken for our Taekwondo licences. We had to sign to say that when we learn the Vulcan death grip, we will not use it on anyone unless we really, really have to. Like if they steal our sandwiches.
I like Joe. Sometimes he puts on one of his magic gloves and dances like Michael Jackson.
I hope to hear from you very soon. I shall check the post tomorrow.
Your best friend forever, from England,
Jessica, age 7¼
Ps. I also drew some pictures for you. The first one is of Snoopy under a rainbow, with a dolphin. Because I can draw Snoopy and you like rainbows and dolphins.
The second one is my future pet giraffe Elmo on roller-skates, eating a peanut-butter sandwich with a dinosaur. I did not trace them or anything, but my mum might have helped me a little bit.