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This is Your Brain on Preschool . . .

August 28, 2012

For just a moment, let’s pretend that I know what I’m talking about.  

That I seem credible.

That my bangs weren’t cut with an X-Acto knife and my dress wasn’t made from a Christmas tree skirt.

Let’s pretend I have a background in early childhood education.  That I’ve been published in journals.  That I’ve done research.  That this blog post isn’t simply based on my one and only firsthand experience.  And that this one and only firsthand experience isn’t filtered through a brain clogged with three decades’ worth of other experiences and 1995-98 bong resin.

Here’s my theory.

Preschool today is a lot better than it once was.

How do I know?

My preschool was worthless.

How do I also know?

My kids’ preschool is worthwhile.

Their preschool is actually worth more than just time for me to write this blog post.  It is worth more than just my kids learning to be with kids and not bite them.

And for the past two years, this preschool has accomplished exactly what I hoped it would — which is to make me feel completely inadequate as a parent.

That is, the teachers offer activities for kids that I would maybe do with my own kids exactly once.  But there’d be tears involved.  Tears, screaming, egg whites on the ceiling fan and at least one trip to the ER to remove a plastic bead from someone’s nose/ear/butt/esophagus.

The activities they offer at my kids’ preschool are practical, educational and of real value.

When I was in preschool, I put on this hat.

It’s a Montessori-based preschool, so kids can choose to do household activities like wash dishes and sew on buttons and pay bills and clean out rain gutters.   I’m speculating on the last two, but it seems like the kind of things they should learn to do.

When I was in preschool, I bounced a balloon.

At my kids’ preschool, they practice counting, paint pictures, write the alphabet, learn to speak Spanish, care for plants and collect “nature” — which by the way is a catchall word used to cover anything found on the ground outside that doesn’t include (1.) shovels, (2.) goldfish crackers or (3.) orphaned mittens, though certainly the door is left wide open for (4.) rodent poop.

When I was in preschool, I ate (1.) a cupcake.

And possibly (2.) rodent poop.

Although — yes, I know, I know — I know exactly what you’re thinking.

And I suppose you’re right.

Despite all of this, I still turned out just fine.

101 Comments leave one →
  1. August 28, 2012 5:53 am

    Clearly preschool hardened you, instilled you with cynicism and prepared you for the vagaries of life. Money well spent.

    • August 30, 2012 5:43 pm

      I went through a goth phase after this and started chain-smoking cigarettes and wearing a lot of black eyeliner. By first grade, I was all washed up.

  2. August 28, 2012 6:06 am

    This is awesome, lol! I love the before and after picture, so true!

    • August 30, 2012 5:44 pm

      I’m not kidding when I say that these photos were taken mere months apart. And you can be damn sure which one was the “after” of the two.

  3. August 28, 2012 6:19 am

    I see you were a fan of the wild pattern cinched at the neck with a snappy bow. Even as a young child.

    • August 30, 2012 5:47 pm

      Emily, you are the first person to point this out and I didn’t even notice the dress similarities when I posted this. Note that my dress in the cupcake photo is a completely different “wild pattern cinched at the neck with a snappy bow” number. What the…? Who dressed me in this? Was I like Wilma Flintstone with a closet filled with the same dresses?

  4. August 28, 2012 6:23 am

    When my daughter was three, they tested her for all this stuff she was supposed to know. One of those was using scissors. I was like, “Who the hell would give a three-year-old scissors? I mean, on purpose?” Crazy talk. Oh, and I can one up you on the Christmas tree dress. My father dressed me for an early school picture – and he put the dress on backwards. And it had a zipper.

    • August 30, 2012 5:49 pm

      My daughter has been using scissors for ages — thanks to preschool. I also was surprised to learn she can break an egg without getting any shell into the bowl. Again, thank you, preschool.

      I have to see that photo. You’ll have to email it to me. I’m starting to take entries for my next Dynomite! contest.

      • August 30, 2012 7:33 pm

        I’ll have to dig it out, then. It’s amazing my mother didn’t kill my father over it. I was completely clueless, of course.

  5. August 28, 2012 6:40 am

    I didn’t even go to preschool, but I did wear the same snazzy bonnet in 2nd grade BY CHOICE. ! I was totally into “Little House on the Prairie” and wore lots of long dresses and bonnets. But never on picture day. My mom had her limits.

    • August 30, 2012 5:53 pm

      Yes! I was a huge Little House fan. Huge. Wait, did I just say “was”? No, that’s an oversight. I still am.

      In addition to having them at my preschool, I think my best friend Katie had a few of those pioneer hats laying around in her basement playroom. After Little House aired, pioneerwear became the ultimate must-have dress-up line. My daughter wants to dress up like a princess — I wonder what she’d say if I instead gave her a calico skirt, long ruffled underwear and a floppy hat?

  6. August 28, 2012 6:46 am

    I have no recollection of preschool. I believe I went. There’s a picture of me waving outside of the school, but that proves nothing. I do know I have no skills whatsoever so I’m concluding if I went–and that’s a big if–I learned diddlysquat. And now that two people are sort of remembering (well in my case, no memory) the same thing from the 1970s, we have a trend.

    • August 30, 2012 5:57 pm

      We can’t be too sure even I went to preschool. Maybe these photos were staged? Although, it would’ve been nice that they staged it to show me eating a carrot stick and a square of dry tofu.

      Thank you for contributing your own preschool experience to my body of research — I’m going to publish the final results on Fox News.

  7. August 28, 2012 6:59 am

    At least you had a preschool education. I was robbed, thrown into kindergarten with nothing. My kids got all the fun of housekeeping centers, play dough pie crusts, handprint spiders, and avoiding those biters.

    • August 30, 2012 5:59 pm

      I think you were better off, Karen. Handprint spiders?! Now I’m the one feeling robbed.

  8. August 28, 2012 7:04 am

    The only thing I remember about preschool was my farm house shaped lunch box. The thermos was a silo and half a peanut butter sandwich fit in the stable.

    • August 30, 2012 5:59 pm

      I love that memory! Thanks, Paprika. That is a scrumptious little slice of nostalgia.

  9. August 28, 2012 7:13 am

    I remember loving preschool SO much. I really need to find one for my daughter. She begs me every day to go to school so she can meet friends. Poor lonesome daughter.

    • August 30, 2012 6:01 pm

      My kids love/loved preschool. “Loved” because my daughter is now in kindergarten. I wept when I had to say goodbye to her original preschool teacher. Seriously, cried like a baby.

      Good luck finding a preschool. It’s hard choosing just the right people to teach your child how to gut fish and chop wood.

  10. August 28, 2012 7:23 am

    Wow. The before and after picture really sums it up. You were a trend setter even as a tot in that bow tie top and get the camera out of my face expression. I remember two things about pre-school, naps and snacks. Come to think of it, two of the most important elements of adult life!

    • August 30, 2012 6:05 pm

      Indeed, MC — sleeping and eating are the building blocks of life. Okay, now you’re turning me around on this crappy preschool notion.

      My bow-tie dresses number three in this blog post. Three different ones! My mom used to sew clothes for me so she must’ve found a really great pattern.

  11. sheenaeastonwannabe permalink
    August 28, 2012 7:25 am

    Thanks for my daily laugh. Hilarious post. I can’t even tell you about my preschool experience as I have forced it from my memory – it was that bad.

    • August 30, 2012 6:07 pm

      I didn’t even share my truly awful memories from preschool — one of which involved a scary teacher removing me from the sharing circle after I kissed a boy on the cheek. I was humiliated and scarred for life. No wonder I was terrified of boys until I went to college.

      • sheenaeastonwannabe permalink
        August 30, 2012 7:26 pm

        oh my……save THAT one for another day……

  12. surroundedbyimbeciles permalink
    August 28, 2012 7:39 am

    I got kicked out of preschool for not taking naps. Apparently, that was a blessing in disguise.

    • August 31, 2012 12:25 pm

      Preschool dropout! Oh, wow. That’s something for the ol’ resume. I hated taking naps. What I would give for a nap today.

  13. August 28, 2012 7:44 am

    ohmygosh…i can so relate to every bit of memory here. i think i was in those pictures; one of the girls with the long dresses and paten leather shoes that buckled. i’m a teacher as well, and your description of organization + cool ideas in preschools now is spot on. thanks for starting my day with a lol moment. you’re brilliant.

    • August 31, 2012 12:28 pm

      The patent leather buckled shoes — I lived in those. When I wasn’t living in my Kangaroos, that is. I had both black and white pairs of Maryjanes. I recall that grass stains on white patent leather never come off.

      • russelllindsey permalink
        September 2, 2012 12:39 am

        White patent leather Maryjanes! Bring back a lot of memories. When I was 5 or so, my aunt had the lead in a community theater production of “Hello, Dolly!” I went to the theater with my mom and my grandparents. We were waiting to the show to start when my grandpa, who sat right next to me, decided to write on the bottom of my white Marjanes for no apparent reason. I thought it was hilarious.

        I became obsessed with “Hello, Dolly!” after watching my aunt on stage. I wanted to BE Dolly. My aunt even gave me a copy of the tape of her performance. I had to watch it over and over again. Funny stuff.


      • September 3, 2012 8:11 pm

        Maryjanes and Hello, Dolly! I don’t know that any pair of my shoes today could evoke such detailed memories. I think of my maryjanes and I think of the big carpeted platform at the store growing up where the kids got to sit to try on shoes. I’m sad that my kids will likely never know the pleasure! Family shoe stores hardly exist anymore.

  14. August 28, 2012 10:12 am

    Ahahhaha. The before and after photo really got me. I looked like your after photo after I blew up the bouncy balloon you sent me. I think it makes a person lose brain cells.

    I remember being terrified of preschool. One morning before school I hid in my tiny, play kitchen’s oven thinking no one would find me and I wouldn’t have to go. Sadly I was discovered and my parents stuck a bonnet on my head and sent me on my way.

    • August 31, 2012 12:34 pm

      Oh, wow — that balloon I sent you! That thing would take a lot of lung capacity. Glad you’re not in the hospital.

      You poor thing! I remember being terrified of my preschool teacher. Imagine the witch from Wizard of Oz with horn rimmed glasses. Somewhere I have a class photo with her in it — I need to find that.

      • September 5, 2012 11:55 am

        Nothing scarier to my child mind than the witch from Wizard of Oz. She gave me night terrors. Ugh. Poor YOU!

  15. August 28, 2012 11:23 am

    Haha, that was an amazing post. Love the before and after shot..

    • August 31, 2012 12:37 pm

      Thank you — I used to work for my state Attorney General and once had to prepare a PowerPoint presentation for him using before/after meth addict mug shots. I think my preschool before/after photos would rival those.

  16. August 28, 2012 1:40 pm

    I still can’t get over the vast, huge, volUMinous plethora of pictures there are of you as a child. Did your parents have jobs outside of chronicling your every move?

    • Mom permalink
      August 30, 2012 8:13 am

      I can’t believe Angie has gotten so much mileage out of these old photos — especially that second one of her — I almost threw many of them away, they were so pathetic, and I thought that last one would be a total embarrassment for her.

      • August 30, 2012 9:02 am

        Hi Angie’s Mom – I won’t apologize for the “too many pictures” crack because I suspect we’re the same age. I’m really squirming in guilt because I don’t have as many pictures of my 2 kids for their whole lives as Angie had in pre-school! Someday (soon) they’ll charge me with photo neglect.

        I love that 2nd picture. I hate that school kids get do-overs for school pictures nowadays; it shouldn’t be allowed. The pictures with the hair sticking up, silly grins and half the clip-on tie undone are priceless chronicles of the adorable, unconscious goofiness of childhood.

      • August 30, 2012 5:27 pm

        It’s amazing how when people never comment on your blog, you almost forget they’re even reading. And then it hits you. Oh, no! Those people are reading too! Those people are reading those words I just wrote! (Cough, cough, cough. Must be the bong resin from college still trapped in my lungs…I don’t know what’s going on, but something is making me cough a lot right now…)

      • August 30, 2012 5:31 pm

        Just like you don’t leave the house without clean underwear in case you get in a car accident, you don’t hit “post” on a blog without reviewing in case your Mom reads it.

        Good thing “bong resin” is the nickname for the stuff that violinists use to prepare their bows. So you played the violin in college?

      • August 30, 2012 5:34 pm

        Did you ever know that you’re my hero?

    • August 31, 2012 12:40 pm

      I do seem to have a lot of childhood photos. And I haven’t even scratched the surface. Every once in a while I’ll write a blog post and think, “Oh, if only I could find that one photo!” I think I need to dig around in my parents’ basement again soon.

      I believe these preschool photos, judging by the fact that they look different from any others in The Marcia Archives, must’ve been given to us by the preschool. Which tells you right there that they were probably staged. In actuality, I think we spent our time sewing on buttons in a clothing factory sweatshop, perhaps similar to what my children do at their preschool.

      • russelllindsey permalink
        September 2, 2012 12:43 am

        There are so many childhood photos I need to dig up and just plain write about. Some are a bit infamous and I can’t find them, such as the one in which my current boss played Santa for my 7th birthday party.

      • September 3, 2012 8:12 pm

        I have a crystal clear memory of almost every photo that at one time existed in my family’s photo albums. Now I can’t seem to find them all. What gives?

  17. August 28, 2012 3:39 pm

    Awesome! Nothing like the preschools of yore to toughen up little four and five year olds!

  18. sarahjamalwriter permalink
    August 28, 2012 3:41 pm

    Love the before and after:p

    • August 31, 2012 12:42 pm

      Thanks — I obtained these from a county correctional facility where I served hard time for sticking plastic beads up my nose.

  19. August 28, 2012 4:10 pm

    Not only did I not go to preschool, but I am pretty sure I never existed. There are no pictures of me. I was the fifth of five, and some elder sibling no doubt did not understand that that particular Brownie was a camera not a snack. Sigh.

    • August 31, 2012 12:46 pm

      Ooh, I know what a Brownie is! It’s that Girl Scouts off-shoot where you get to wear beanies on your head.

      The photos I share here should make you feel relieved that you don’t have these horrendous moments on record.

      • August 31, 2012 1:02 pm

        Different brownie, although I hated that kind, too. One very boring year!

      • August 31, 2012 1:03 pm

        My mom actually owns an antique Brownie from the 20s. Pretty cool.

      • August 31, 2012 1:03 pm

        Oh, I meant the camera kind!

      • August 31, 2012 1:06 pm

        Yes. Otherwise, if it’s from the 20’s it would have to be a very elderly maiden aunt and you probably would have known about her!

      • August 31, 2012 1:09 pm

        Yes, my mom also collects antique Eagle Scouts, antique Mathletes and antique Chess Club Presidents.

      • August 31, 2012 1:11 pm

        Sounds like there was never a dull moment in your household. Or maybe there were way too many dull moments.

  20. August 28, 2012 4:59 pm

    Looks like the meth-infused snacks in preschool were good to you.

    • August 31, 2012 12:47 pm

      Yes, I knew a shrink would understand — you probably diagnosed me months ago, the moment you saw the gaping, far-off look of my gravatar.

  21. August 28, 2012 6:19 pm

    I think the bonnet is cute.

    • August 31, 2012 12:49 pm

      It’s not bad. But I would’ve rather sported the Nellie Oleson look than the Laura Ingalls.

  22. August 28, 2012 10:05 pm

    Love it, Angie! I now have you bookmarked! And are you ready for MY twisted memory of preschool? The scene: Aunt Emma’s Nursery School, circa 1966, Fremont, Ohio…recess, and a light sprinkly rain begins to fall. Us kids are a just short run to the classroom door, but instead our teacher panics and shoves every child but one into a doghouse-sized playground log cabin that might fit two Bull Mastiffs if they haven’t eaten. I’m pressed against the cabin’s lone window, and can do nothing but watch as our teacher madly chases the one boy who’s slipped from her grasp. A few weeks later, my doctor suggests I be taken out of the school because I’m catching too many colds…

    • August 31, 2012 12:53 pm

      Thank you, Todd. Ha! Your story is fantastic. I love it. Your crazy teachers sound like they were reacting to a gentle rain storm like you were pioneer children fighting off a blizzard at your one-room schoolhouse in the country — I half expected you to continue that they tied you all together with a piece of twine and led you across the prairie to safety.

      • September 1, 2012 1:18 pm

        …and so we pushed onward through the raging snowstorm, blinded by the onslaught, tethered together in a single-file line by the thinnest of twine, our books and sack lunches hopelessly lost, our schoolhouse door taunting us from twenty feet away, when salvation arrived in the form of a party of fellow travelers. The Donner Party, I believe they called themselves…

        As requested, the continuation of my story. Bet you didn’t see THAT ending coming, did you?

      • September 3, 2012 8:07 pm

        So glad you continued, Todd. For a while it felt like missing the end of a Little House on the Prairie episode. Pins and needles! I felt so lost in wondering what your teacher and the children were going to do next. I can’t believe Pa and Mr. Edwards didn’t pitch in to save you all. Thank goodness for the Donner Party.

      • September 3, 2012 8:15 pm

        And what a party it was! Keep up the good, fun work, Angie!

  23. August 29, 2012 2:19 am

    You bounced a balloon and ate a cupcake?! You’re so lucky! I bounced a rock (they don’t bounce all that well, funnily enough) and ate mud pie. For the record – mud pie is basically mud, mixed together with more mud.

    On a positive note- I did not wear that hat.

    Love this my pen pal chum!

    • August 31, 2012 12:55 pm

      Bounced a rock and ate a mud pie — I think you’ve just one-upped my tragedy! I wouldn’t expect anything less of a pro nostalgia writer like you.

      Thanks for stopping by, Jess. 1982-Angie is looking forward to her visit across the Atlantic next Monday. I told her to increase her citrus-flavored bubblegum intake so she doesn’t get Scurvy.

  24. August 29, 2012 9:42 am

    Oh my stars!!! I have been out of touch with the blogosphere, Angie. How I have missed you! This was awesome!! You are ever and always entertaining.

    • August 31, 2012 12:58 pm

      Thanks, Lenore. You’re not out of touch and you’re always welcome around my place. How about that bolo tie? See — it’s like we’re just picking up our conversation where we left off last time.

  25. August 29, 2012 1:08 pm

    At least you went to preschool…..

    I didn’t mind though. More cartoon time and outside play for me!

    My son is starting preschool next week. I recieved a letter from his teacher about all the things they expect to learn throughout the year. I was a little sad to discover that ball bouncing and cupcake eating weren’t mentioned, but I guess learning about dinosaurs, the days of the week, types of weather, using computers, taking nature walks, painting, and cooking projects are just as good as eating cupcakes. I guess…..

    At least you carried off the cute little bows on your tree-skirt dresses! ;-)

    • August 31, 2012 1:01 pm

      Balloon bouncing is a very important part of learning, Ms. Jolly. It teaches hand-eye coordination and lots of other things that I don’t think make a lick of difference in everyday life, but are probably very important just the same.

      You better look for another preschool that offers this activity or your son is going to go nowhere fast in life.

  26. August 29, 2012 1:16 pm

    Reading your blog when I can’t laugh loudly? BIG mistake. HUGE. Only 3-4 years of bong resin, though? I’m kind of disappointed. I guess the rodent poop makes up for it, though.

    What I remember most about preschool is feeling like an adult trapped in a chubby child’s body. Is that normal?

    • August 31, 2012 1:05 pm

      Yes, we smoked the rodent poop, Jules — we were way ahead of our time back then.

      I tried to kiss a boy named Andy at preschool and was promptly removed from the sharing circle — I must’ve been feeling like an adult trapped in a spindly child’s body.

  27. Emily permalink
    August 29, 2012 5:24 pm

    Hey, I went to a play-based preschool too. It was called Creative Child, and it was supposedly a “good” preschool (all the doctors’ and lawyers’ kids went there), but it was in a church basement, and I remember a lot of drawing, cutting and pasting, playing house, trips to the park, singing songs in a circle, and I also distinctly remember having cupcakes for snack from time to time. I think the point of the whole thing was socialization, rather tahn turning us into little geniuses before kindergarten.

    • August 31, 2012 1:17 pm

      Sounds like a good experience to me. Perhaps kids at my preschool could’ve learned socialization in less ADD-inducing ways.

      Sometimes at night I will pretend to hear synchronized beating balloons in my head. And then I know I’m in a safe place and I can sleep more soundly.

  28. Emily permalink
    August 29, 2012 5:25 pm

    I meant, the point of Creative Child was socialization rather THAN turning us into little geniuses before kindergarten. I’m not stupid; I’m just getting used to a new keyboard.

  29. August 29, 2012 9:00 pm

    HI-LARIOUS, Angie. Good gravy.. I am snorting up a storm here reading this…thanks. Those photos?? priceless. I never went to preK. PreK didn’t exist back then. To think I managed to go on without all those balloon bouncing skills? It’s a miracle.

    • August 30, 2012 9:05 am

      Same for me. In fact, kindergarten was optional, but I went. I have always been an overachiever that way. Since I AM a kindergarten graduate – need any help with your homework Darlhippocrates?

      • August 30, 2012 9:55 am

        Good lord, YES. Can ya tell me what visceral pericardium is? They must have taught you that in kindy, right?

      • August 30, 2012 10:16 am

        I believe the visceral pericardium is connected to the thigh bone. Then the thigh bone’s connected to the knee bone. It goes on from there but I don’t want to get too advanced since you’ve only been taking anatomy for a few days.

      • August 31, 2012 1:36 pm

        Kindergarten is still optional, isn’t it? Wait, I have no idea. I think I’ll do a research study and release a report on that later today.

    • August 31, 2012 1:34 pm

      Don’t feel bad about missing out. I think the only preschools that existed in the 1970s were church-based. So in between smashing a cupcake in my face and doing the synchronized balloon-bouncing activity, I think we probably memorized Bible verses about going to Hell if we didn’t properly learn to do the balloon-bouncing activity.

  30. August 30, 2012 1:04 pm

    Preschool is to the mentoring workshop to learn the rules of pecking order and how not to be that kid who’s always pushed nose first into the fence. Consider it a good education which prepared you for any know-it-all mothers in PTA.

    • August 31, 2012 1:30 pm

      Nooooo — I don’t even want to think about the know-it-all mothers in PTA. My daughter is in kindergarten now so this is my new world to navigate. Please don’t make me go, Barb! They’ll be mean to me! I want to call in sick today!

  31. August 31, 2012 2:08 pm

    Until just a minute ago, I’d completely forgotten about preschool. Mine was run by dour ruler-wielding nuns. We didn’t wash dishes and sew on buttons, but we did learn important lessons about shame, inadequacy and guilt. And hell fire.

    Wonder if it’s too early to crack open a beer.

    • September 3, 2012 7:58 pm

      Yikes! I hope you’re joking — if not, may God have mercy on your soul.

  32. September 2, 2012 10:00 am

    Loved this post, so funny!

  33. September 2, 2012 7:22 pm

    LOL “Christmas tree skirt.” Angie, you’re a flippin’ hoot.

    I believe my mom made me (and my sister) some outfit very similar outfit. In fact, it may have been an actual re-purposed skirt, ’cause my mom was frugal that way. She was also our preschool teacher (which I don’t remember…too far back, too many brain cells lost). She tells me that we planted gardens, painted full-sized mini-portraits of ourselves on butcher paper, and ate glue paste off the stick. I’d like to think I turned out okay. My husband may have a different opinion.

    My kids definitely have it much better. But that’s only because we’re required to purchase (in addition to tuition and fees) $50 worth of supplies for the classroom per kid. REALLY? Since when did we need to “buy” our way to a decent education? Oh wait. I forgot. This is America. The land of the nothing-is-free-anymore.

    • September 3, 2012 8:59 pm

      I remember watching a Sesame Street video from back in the 70s where a kid looks to be eating out of a paste jar with a stick. I can’t tell you how hard I worked at trying to convince my mom that the kid was eating paste. She told me, no, no, it must be mayonnaise. But it’s clumpy and why is she eating it with a wooden stick?! I feel like your story has somehow finally validated my claim. Thank you for that.

      Your mom is pretty swell.

  34. September 4, 2012 10:07 pm

    I must say, pre-school transforms your facial expression? LOL. But, you still look cute on both long-time-ago pictures. Good read. You make realize how fun childhood is. :)

  35. September 5, 2012 12:51 pm

    I’m dying. Rarely do I laugh so loud and to the point of tears. I know there’s a lot of hyperbole out there in the internet, with the LOL’s and the LSHISM’s, but for realz, the loudness and the water in my lower lid actually happened. Thanks to Speaker7 for this little nugget of blogging genius.

    • September 7, 2012 8:52 pm

      Thank you for your kind words! Seriously — you made my day. In fact, just now you made my face go from looking like After Preschool to more like my face in Before Preschool.

  36. September 7, 2012 11:19 am

    I didn’t go to preschool when we were kids, but I do know that preschool then totally sucked. How do I know? I was the only one in my kindergarten class that didn’t go to preschool. I was also the only one in my class that came to kindergarten already reading, AND one of two who could count to 100. All the other kindergartners who “graduated” from preschool just sat there and learned letters and counted on their fingers and ate paste. Suck it, preschoolers!

    • September 7, 2012 9:00 pm

      I loved this comment. I, too, came to kindergarten knowing how to read. My mom taught me. My mom without a college degree taught me to read when I was four. My preschool teachers taught me how to stand in a room full of kids and bounce a balloon on a rubberband for twenty minutes in unison. On a smaller budget, they could’ve handed us a broom or a button or a seashell or a tamborine and that could’ve been our education. I’m so glad they splurged and bought the 15 rubberbanded balloons.

  37. September 25, 2012 7:55 pm

    I was a petrified, extremely shy little preschooler, and when I finally (finally!) had the courage to climb out of my shell and answer a question in class (“How can we tell that it’s spring outside now?”), I goofed up my answer and never recovered from the shame until, um, university. I meant to say that the icicles were MELTING, but all that came out of my feeble mouth at the time was “the icicles”, so both my teacher and the entire class thought I was a stupid, stuck-in-winter-forever fool. I know. I nearly died.

    (Don’t worry, though. I showed everyone who was boss when I came to my kindergarten class the next year knowing how to read, write my name in cursive, AND do long addition. Take that, non-nerd sucker fools! Whose icicles are melting NOW?)

    • October 6, 2012 11:43 am

      This story is so damn funny. I read it aloud to my husband. That’s when you know you got some really good funny right there.

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