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Dear Angie, My Brother Ripped Tiny Tears’ Head Clean Off

October 29, 2012

I am delighted to be today featuring another 1989 pen pal letter from my favorite English chum and fake former pen pal Jessica of the blog Jessseeker!

Please check back on Halloween this Wednesday for 1982-Angie’s holiday-themed response.

17th October 1989

Dear Angie,

I am fine.  I checked with my brothers and they are also fine.  Oliver is still ginger, Chris is still a pooh-head, Joe has a scab the size of My Little Pony on his left knee and Mike’s new favourite word is “no”.

Chris kidnapped my Tiny Tears doll the other day and threatened to pull her head off.  I said he wouldn’t dare, but he did dare and he ripped her head clean off.  So I cried until my brain hurt.

My mother tried to put Tiny back together again with some duck tape.  I told Chris that I wanted to rip his head off and stick it back on with duck tape to see how he likes it.  He lent me his Tenderheart Bear to say sorry – but I’m still mad.

Would you like another brother?  You can borrow Chris forever if you like. Also, is duck tape is made from real ducks?

Thanks for the catalogue picture of Barbie’s house (the one that is not an orange crate).  I like to cut stuff out of catalogues too.  It helps Santa’s elves know what to make me for Christmas.

I have almost finished making my witch’s hat for Sarah Fairburn’s Halloween party.  It is black, pointy and covered in glitter and glow-in-the-dark stickers.  It just needs a bit more glitter and a lot more stickers.

I love Halloween!  We get to draw funny faces on pumpkins and scoop their brains out.  Then we dress up all fancy and eat sweets.  Even though all the grownups say I’m a fussy eater, I am not.  I like all sweets – apart from green ones and yellow ones.

Do you fly your bike past the moon on Halloween like all the American kids do in E.T.?

Your chum, from England,

Jessica, age 7½

Ps. I think Margaret Thatcher has the same hairdresser as my Grandma.

59 Comments leave one →
  1. October 29, 2012 6:27 am

    I never even considered the possibility that duck tape is made from ducks. I feel so guilty.

  2. October 29, 2012 6:43 am

    Ooh! Spirograph! Takes me back to simpler times.

    • October 29, 2012 1:51 pm

      I miss the days when the world was black and white, the moon was made of cheese and Spirograph pics adorned my walls.

      Etch-a-Sketch can stay in the past though. I spent 3 years trying to draw a circle on it, before it went out of my bedroom window.

      • Emily permalink
        October 30, 2012 10:58 pm

        You’ll probably hate me for this, but I can draw actual, recognizable pictures (including circles) on an Etch-a-Sketch.

      • October 31, 2012 12:56 pm

        Emily, did you go to Etch-a-Sketch University to hone such talent? Oh how I envy thee.

    • October 30, 2012 8:27 pm

      For me, a simpler time was when we had three lone spiro wheels of varying sizes, rolling around in our junk drawer with no additional pieces to make them work.

  3. October 29, 2012 7:22 am

    I told Chris that I wanted to rip his head off and stick it back on with duck tape to see how he likes it.

    How odd, Jess. I also thought the exact same thing when my brother Chris used to rip off my Skipper doll’s head.

    By the way, I am loving that top photo. Beyond adorable.

    • October 29, 2012 11:51 am

      The family that kicks butt together…

    • October 29, 2012 1:54 pm

      You did?! Did your brother Chris also draw freckles on your hobby horse and turn everything in your bedroom upside down whilst you had a bath? I thought it was just me.

      Amazing!

    • October 30, 2012 8:27 pm

      You two really have so much in common. Your Barbies in the toilet, her dolls without heads . . .

  4. October 29, 2012 8:39 am

    I actually did a double take on the photo. “Wait, is that Thatcher? Where did she get a picture of Thatcher with her karate-chopping grandkids?”

    I miss Spirograph.

    • October 29, 2012 1:57 pm

      I spent the first 6 years of my life utterly convinced that my Grandmother was either Margaret Thatcher or the Queen.

      Now that I think of it – I never saw them all in a room together at the same time.

      Ooh, I could be royalty!

    • October 30, 2012 8:30 pm

      She is The Iron Grandmother. Which sounds very much like The Electric Grandmother (throwing an obscure ’80s movie at you because I know you usually rise to the challenge).

      • October 31, 2012 1:03 pm

        The Iron Grandmother – I like it! She made it to 100 years old. That’s almost as old as Dame Maggie Smith. Amazing.

  5. October 29, 2012 9:34 am

    My brother once drew a line down my favorite Barbie’s face in blue pen. After I got over my initial shock at the injustice, I put her in the Barbie hospital, where she got all kinds of attention from Ken, Skipper, and her Hawaiian cousin, Miko. From then on, she focused on her veterinarian career and did not compete in pageants anymore. (She did, however, force Skipper to take up baton twirling in order to compete in pageants. And we all know, Skipper would rather be surfing.)

    • October 29, 2012 2:35 pm

      Discrimination against plastic women with blue lines down their face is a serious issue. I feel that Obama and Romney have overlooked this as a key policy for their election campaigns.

      Foolish. Foolish I tell you!

      I’m delighted things worked out for Barbie. Do you think Skipper is too old now to take up surfing?

      • October 30, 2012 8:19 pm

        I wonder if Barbie and Skipper were ever put in a binder?

      • October 30, 2012 9:12 pm

        I sure hope Jess gets your “binder” comment. Because if the Brits are not up on “women in binders” and “Big Bird” and “debate naps” and all the hilarity of this year’s presidential election, they are missing out on the finest in political comedy in the entire free world. I don’t know that a campaign season has ever been funnier.

      • October 31, 2012 1:09 pm

        Fear not – I am fully versed on bindergate, Big Bird’s political allegiances (or lack there of) and Obama’s quite beautiful singing voice. Your politicians are far more hilarious than ours.

        In England – our MPs just buy chocolate bars and duck houses and claim them on expenses.

        Yawn fest.

    • October 30, 2012 8:32 pm

      Gaaaa! Rachel, you just reminded me of a horrible moment in my childhood. For some inane reason, I drew a line down Apple Dumpling’s face with blue ink. It wouldn’t come off so I got out my mom’s fingernail polish remover and saturated her face with it until . . . her eyes came off! I burned off my doll’s eyes with alcohol! I must be some kind of monster!

      • October 30, 2012 8:46 pm

        If we were friends, Apple Dumpling would have come to stay with me in the hospital ( or just “hospital,” as Jess would say). Then Mattel would have manufactured a seeing eye dog with a pink leash, just for her!

        (I’m sorry to bring up such memories. I don’t think you’re a monster. I actually think that was very smart; you had some excellent problem solving skills.)

      • October 30, 2012 8:47 pm

        This comment is like a Band-Aid on my heart.

  6. October 29, 2012 11:52 am

    My brothers left my doll’s head on, but pulled out her hair, scratched her eyes and drew all over her face with a marker. She looked like something from a nightmare when they were done. “Brother for sale” seems to be a common cry.

    • October 29, 2012 2:39 pm

      I tried to sell Chris once for 3 packets of crisps and a penny chew. Everyone told me that was too pricey.

      Do you think we should create a hospital for damaged dolls everywhere? Could my troll with the dodgy mohawk come along too?

      • October 30, 2012 8:34 pm

        Crisps? Penny chew? Dodgy? Can you be any more adorable?

    • October 30, 2012 8:33 pm

      If it were Barbie you’re talking about, an evil part of me would enjoy seeing the end result.

  7. October 29, 2012 11:58 am

    I had that Barbie rhinestone cowgirl that could wink. Except her wink got stuck, so she had a permenant eye condition. And crap, those Teddy Ruxpins weighted a ton.

    • October 29, 2012 2:43 pm

      Ha! I think they do eye drops for that sort of thing. I’m not sure what the doctor would have said though if you’d taken her with you to the eye clinic.

      Alas, I never secured my much longed for Teddy Ruxpin. But yes, he was made of rocks.

      • October 29, 2012 3:32 pm

        I didn’t get him either but a cousin did. Not exactly cuddly besides the fact that he was possessed.

    • October 30, 2012 8:35 pm

      Oh my God! I forgot all about that Barbie doll! Oh good lord, I need to lie down now. Too much flashback for one day.

  8. October 29, 2012 12:39 pm

    Glow worms made the world seem peaceful and just.

    • October 29, 2012 4:56 pm

      Whoever thought of making giant bugs into children’s night time soothing buddies was a goddam genius. I’m not sure it would have worked with spiders though. Maybe it’s because they can’t make their bottoms glow?

    • October 30, 2012 8:36 pm

      Dammit, they came out when I was damn well too old for them. I would’ve paid good money to have a happy warm creature to light up my bedroom.

      • October 30, 2012 11:25 pm

        It’s never too late…

      • October 31, 2012 1:14 pm

        I have already put my request in to Santa for a giant bug whose bottom glows – and a Mr Frosty ice maker.

        Fingers crossed.

  9. October 29, 2012 12:53 pm

    Wasn’t there a requirement for all brothers to be pooh-heads? I am pretty sure it is in the manual.

    • October 29, 2012 2:48 pm

      Oh yes, I think so. My sister manual taught me how to bake cupcakes and lock brothers in the shed. Sadly they omitted the chapter about how you restore a decapitated doll to its former glory. A glaring oversight.

    • October 30, 2012 8:37 pm

      I prefer jerkface, but pooh-head works as well.

  10. October 31, 2012 3:11 pm

    **Sniff***Sniff*** My rotten pooh-pooh head brothers slammed my Baby Alive doll on the steps, face first, she never ate again. He fed our dog my Barbie, He ate her legs to the plastic center, she never walked again. I think selling brothers into onto a bad boy island where they turn into donkey heads is good justice. Just like in Pinocchio.
    Worse yet, of all my poor doll tragedies is when the garbageman stole/kidnapped my favorite Baby Tender love off the curb. I put her down for a nap in the old television box. Why didn’t this pooh pooh head look before he took the garbage??? I think he had sisters!
    How come I can laugh at your posts and only cry at my own…..does anyone need a tissue???
    p.s. I love Glow worm, he was my firstborn son’s favorite bedtime toy :-)

    • November 3, 2012 9:23 am

      I had a tenderheart bear and a glow worm and my older brother dissected both of them to see how they worked – devastated doesn’t even cover it! He would also take things from mine and my sister’s room and try and sell them back to us…

      • November 16, 2012 11:30 pm

        Nooooo! That makes my heart hurt! Although, is it wrong that I’m intrigued by what he discovered?

        Love, love, love the taking things and selling them back to you part. Brilliant!

    • November 16, 2012 11:29 pm

      I’m so depressed after reading this that I can hardly find the will to type. Can there really be a God that would let this all happen?

      In your brother’s defense, Baby Alive was disturbing.

      • November 17, 2012 2:33 pm

        True, Baby Alive is kind of weird. I still love Baby Tenderlove best. Stupid garbage man!
        I think I will go back to Holly Hobbie. No one bothered her :-)

      • December 2, 2012 9:53 pm

        Ellyn, I had these exact Holly Hobbie Colorforms. I don’t know if this is relevant to point out, but I’ve waited years for just the right segue to share that bit of info.
        http://compare.ebay.com/like/130802073725?var=lv&ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&var=sbar

      • December 2, 2012 10:14 pm

        I loved Holly Hobbie. I had a huge rag doll and my bedroom was decorated with the Holly Hobbie bedroom set. I had pink, my sister had yellow. Best bedroom set ever :-)

  11. November 2, 2012 2:50 pm

    Okay, Jess, why is it that you mentioned Chris and duck tape in the same paragraph? I have a visual…and it’s not pleasant for Chris. (And if my visual is good, then way to go big sis! All I had were big brothers. Four of them. And DUCT tape, which is way stickier than duck tape, I’m guessing.)

    • November 16, 2012 11:21 pm

      I thought it was “duck” tape for yeeeeeeeears. And I’m a hardware store owner’s daughter! But, hey, I remember one of the ad posters in our store actually used a duck to market the damn stuff. The fault is all theirs.

  12. December 6, 2012 5:06 pm

    Of all the things, the one I like the most is your old picture in your avatars. A beautiful idea.

    • December 20, 2012 10:35 pm

      Thank you! It took a lot of pride-swallowing to allow that photo to see the light of day.

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