What the . . . General Foods International Coffee Ad?
Today: What the General Foods International Coffee Ad?
This post is for The Byronic Man.
Perhaps The Byronic Man noticed it had been three weeks since I delivered on my weekly WTF? video series commitment — or perhaps he didn’t notice at all.
You see, he’s a very busy man these days, what with now overseeing the care of another human being, the incredibly small kind, and what with being a very important comedianactorteacherwriter and all. But all the same, he probably received the memo that I’ve been wearing the same coffee-stained sweatpants since Tuesday and have lost the will to
That’s when he generously threw this out:
I think you should do a “What the … General Foods International Coffee?” Remember those awful ads? Somebody has a touching moment of love or reconciliation and the woman says, “I’ll make the General Foods International Coffee,” because that’s not an awkward mouthful or totally strange thing to say and do.
[Actual photograph of The Byronic Man. Or possibly a photograph I cropped from an ad for General Foods International Coffee.]
Initially I thought, on the contrary, there is nothing absurd about those lovable throwback General Foods International Coffee ads. And I happen to like the name General Foods International Coffee. General Foods International Coffee has a nice continental feel to it. General Foods International Coffee is what I almost chose to name my first-born child. And I happen to frequently “celebrate the moments of my life” with coffee, though maybe not with General Foods International Coffee.
But the words “General Foods International Coffee” had no sooner left my
temporal lobe medulla cerebellum brain-thingy when they were struck down by this granddaddy truth:
General Foods International Coffee is instant flavored coffee. Instant Flavored Coffee. Three words that should never touch, much less make-out in a cafe in Vienna.
And to that I give General Foods International Coffee a great big WTF salute!
Some preparatory notes before viewing today’s video.
1.) This commercial typically ran on prime-time TV circa 1991-1992. I am led to believe it was tailored to airings of Designing Women, Major Dad and Murder She Wrote. Yes, these shows did qualify as prime-time TV back then. Yes, I am as shocked as you are.
2.) I carry with me the completely illogical fears that (A) I will one day dine at a cafe in Paris where my waiter will introduce himself as Jean Luc, (B) he will talk me into purchasing a time-share condominium in Branson, Missouri, and (C) the walls of my house contain a den of spider monkeys.
3.) Over the years, I’ve put together a rough sketch of what Jean Luc probably looked like, which I am exclusively sharing with you today.
3.) If you’ve long been wondering about the best way to torture me, consider serving me instant flavored coffee and then repeating the audio of this General Foods International Coffee ad — specifically during the part where the two friends
erotically excitedly exclaim “Jean Luc” in unison. At which point I will vomit jean-luc the instant Irish Mocha Fudge Cinnamon Creme you just served me onto my already coffee-stained sweatpants.