Dynomite! The “We Are Family” Edition
Rachel, your days spent featured on the right-hand side of my blog — well, they’ve been some of the best days of my life. You’ve become like a sister to me, and I don’t know how to say goodbye to your blooming hydrangea bangs and glasses-ready-to-suicide-dive-off-your-face. But the time has come to move on.
Today is the dawn of a new Dynomite! kid. And I have just the Dynomite! theme for this special holiday season.
Yes, I think these Dynomite! entries are just what the Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman ordered.
This Thanksgiving week, let’s stop focusing on the bitter past, start blocking our fathers’ apocalyptic email forwards about the Mayan calendar’s alignment with Obama’s election, and let’s move on to what really matters.
I can truly say there are no three people in the world I’d rather look prepubescently-awkward next to than these bunch of weirdos. I love my family. Warts and all.
Warts, ten-inch-diameter eyeglass frames, outdated polyester disco shirt, sloppily untucked safariwear — and all.
But these families down here? They’re not too bad either. In fact, they’re gonna blow the doors off your ’78 Chevy Malibu they’re so damn precious.
You ready for me to roll out these families?
Alright! Let’s go to it.
First we have the family of Nancy from the blog Not Quite Old.
I’m intrigued by the story behind this photo. Where have we been, where are we going? Are we all on our way to Dick Nixon’s inauguration? Is Nancy sacrificing body heat so that her coat won’t cover her beloved rickrack trim? Is Mom happy to watch her shiver? Is Dad disgusted by his daughter’s recklessness? I mean, it must be January! It must be reefer madness at work! Nancy, clearly you’re a disgrace to your family, but I dig the pixie cut.
Next we have . . . wait a minute here . . . okay, next I guess we have Rachel again from the blog Rachel’s Table. Yes, that Rachel. Apparently being adored on my blog for several weeks in a row wasn’t quite enough for Rachel.
Alright, it’s a pretty damn good photo. We’ve got the double-breasted junior executive at left, the shaker-knit sweater over the prep school tie at right, the rampant expressions of arrogance you’ve come to expect from families of the ’80s. This photo is a little slice of Highway to Heaven. What can I say, Rachel is a trained professional Dynomite! contestant. She even dresses like one.
Then we have this one from . . . Lucy. Yeah, I’ll call her Lucy.
Holy Angstballs, am I right or am I right? The common teenage thought “I don’t belong here” — never has it been more palpable.
I’m a little uneasy about featuring this photo. And not just because Lucy’s eyes are stabbing me with daggers. My issue is that this photo was entered by a person who is actually close to me in my real world life. So to off-set this conflict of interest, I will withhold all commentary that might color your opinion. Except to tell you that this photo was taken for a church directory. Perfect.
Finally we have this photo from Emily of the blog Hey from Japan — Notes on Moving.
I don’t believe this family is real. Frankly, I’m shocked that Dad isn’t holding a tobacco pipe. That goes double for the house — not real. They must be on a TV studio set. They must be guest performers on The Lawrence Welk Show, episode #412. Those candlesticks are actually hollow. The fireplace is cardboard. Mom’s hair is a wig. Emily, seated at right, looks eager to prove she’s the least difficult child. But let’s face it, all three children are always behaved with nary a sticky finger, ringworm scab or grocery aisle tantrum — and not a single bout of stomach flu on a beige rug at 3:00 a.m. on a Tuesday.
So there you go. That’s the line-up. Are they the greatest Dynomite! family photo contestants ever or what?
Now it’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Time to cast your vote. I know you’re sick of those words. But this isn’t the same as that Tuesday, November 6th thing. This is much more important.
Because here’s what’s at stake.
The winner of this Dynomite! contest will not only be featured on my blog with smiling family members
who did not sign up for this, the winner will also be mailed a genuine original Flashback-in-a-Box!
Let’s look back at the amazing prizes given to our last winner.
That’s some pretty valuable crap. And to up the ante, I’m prepared to throw in another piece of Bazooka gum.
Vote now, vote with your conscience, vote for our country. These families are depending on you.
Poll closes next Monday the 26th at 6:00 a.m EST.