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What the . . . Spider-Man and His Amazing Apartment

January 25, 2013

SpiderMan_Pad*What the…Friday? is a weekly Friday feature in which I resuscitate a video relic from the swampy pits of Pop Culture Wasteland.*

Today:  What the Spider-Man and His Amazing Apartment?

Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends thought they were Hot Stuff.

Like I used to hate that they were all, “Look at our great college apartment.”  And they were like, “Look at our autographed poster of our bestie Incredible Hulk.”  And they were so, “Look at how we’re all co-ed and everything, isn’t that modern?”  And then sometimes they were like, “Look at all our books.  Don’t you like our books?  Aren’t you old enough to read books?  You can’t read books?  Why don’t you stop being such a baby?”

Hey, just so you know, I had an apartment in college once too, Spider-Man.

That’s right.  And it was amazing.

And I had lots of amazing things in it, too.

I had a Hawaiian punch-stained bathroom rug.  I had a philodendron in a macrame’d hanging pot.

I had a carpeted cat house that smelled like patchouli.  I had a lime floral chair that smelled like cat urine.

I had a cardboard box that looked just like a chest of drawers.  I had a plastic crate that could hold all my underwear.

And get this!

I had a futon couch that I could sit on by day and then — Zoom!  Blam!  Kapow! — fold down and sleep on by night.

I just about had it all, didn’t I.

But I didn’t.

What I didn’t have?

Wall-to-wall computers.

My friends, I have been to the mountaintop, I’ve looked over the side and I’ve seen the Promised Land.

What does it look like?

Wall-to-wall computers.

In our living rooms.

71 Comments leave one →
  1. January 25, 2013 7:00 am

    I liked the part when the giant Firezilla was burning everything and it zooms in on Spidey and his friends, and they look pissed off. Not shocked, not worried…just pissy.

    • February 7, 2013 9:03 pm

      They look sort of like they’re insulted by his boorishness. Like he just showed up to their garden party without RSVPing.

  2. January 25, 2013 7:14 am

    Hawaiian punch stains sound so classy for a college dorm. You really did have it all, Nnng.

    P.S. – I’m typing this right next to the pic of Rache’s family, and I keep stopping and staring and it, asking, “What? What?!?”

    • January 25, 2013 12:45 pm

      Rachel’s eyes are boring into mine. It’s as if she’s trying to take over my very soul. Make it stop!!! (only 3 ex.points)

      • February 7, 2013 9:08 pm

        Her brother is the one who gets to me — he’s always giving me that condescending look like I forgot to flip my collar up.

    • February 7, 2013 9:04 pm

      Those stains were battle scars, my friend. Meaningful in many ways.

      Rachel will probably be up for the lifetime of my blog. When I shut this thing down, she can be the one to flip the light switch off on the way out.

  3. January 25, 2013 7:26 am

    What? You mean you DIDN’T have an apartment where every piece of furniture would instantly convert to high tech bulky 80’s computers with the simple flick of a faux heisman-esq trophy? Ha! Well, take THAT Angie’s college futon. You thought you were hot stuff being a couch AND a bed, huh? But could you turn into a computer? No, no you couldn’t. I don’t know how you will even live with yourself after that realization, futon. For shame.

    • February 7, 2013 9:11 pm

      Yes, faux Heisman trophy — I envy that trophy. Something tells me there’s a story behind that trophy. Probably a blatant misuse of one’s superpowers right there.

  4. January 25, 2013 7:47 am

    Spiderman and his amazing friends are just so damn lucky. Why, just last week a mutant flaming demon was attacking our city and when I pulled my baton trophy nothing happened. But I did have a futon back in the day. It was almost like sleeping on a bed of nails, only worse. Oh, and a very cool ‘bowl’ shaped chair that was very similar to sitting in a giant bowl, only worse.

    • February 7, 2013 9:13 pm

      By any chance was your bowl-shaped chair made out of rope and suspended from the ceiling? Because I wanted one of those.

      Futons were so much more comfortable when you doubled up the mattresses. That is called living large.

  5. January 25, 2013 9:32 am

    I watched that cartoon every Saturday and I don’t ever remember them using all that 80s junk tech?? What good did it do them? And what did their landlord tell them – “You damn kids can put in yer fancy computers and secret flipdoors.. but when you move out I want it all back the way it was!” That poster was a tie-in to the Hulk cartoon, btw. Remember, the first half hr was the Spiderman Friends cartoon/second half hr was the Hulk.

    • February 7, 2013 9:14 pm

      Ha! Perfect. I think every cool thing ever to be done to a college apartment was later lamented by the landlord.

  6. January 25, 2013 10:09 am

    But did you have a coffee table made out of ice? I had one. Then it melted. But I got another one. It melted, too. So, I got another one! You can see where this is going.

    • February 7, 2013 9:18 pm

      Yeah, about that coffee table. I think I read that ice coffee tables are a secret interior designer technique to make the room look larger. And, in this case, more blinky.

  7. January 25, 2013 10:52 am

    I had a very cool roommate who had traveled the world as a flight attendant. So in our dorm room we had an oriental rug and a framed portrait of Mao Tse-Tung that was made out of butterfly wings. No plastic crates for us. Of course, the college boys thought we were just plain weird.

    • February 7, 2013 9:19 pm

      You just out-cooled every last one of us here. This had to be way after your pixie cut hairdo and rickrack dress days.

  8. January 25, 2013 12:44 pm

    Like we’re supposed to believe those were Hawaiian Punch stains on the bathroom rug. HAH! I know vomited Riunite Lambrusco when I see it.

    Er, somebody told me what that looks like.

    • January 25, 2013 4:02 pm

      Riuntie Lambrusco vomit! Thank god I was wearing a fresh Depends when I read that!

      • January 25, 2013 4:04 pm

        It takes an expert eye to discern the subtle differences between Riunite Lambrusco and Yago Sangria.

      • January 25, 2013 4:34 pm

        I know this will knock me off my pedestal in your eyes, but I had quite a bit of experience with Lambrusco in college. I knew it in all its permutations: my adult-beverage-of-choice and after-the-party-bathroom-rug-stainer-par-excellence.

        It’s taken 30 years for me to even be able to type the name without shuddering.

      • January 25, 2013 4:43 pm

        Sounds like a golden opportunity to win some swag over at Go Jules Go. She’s hosting a contest which involves writing about alcohol-related fiascos.

      • January 25, 2013 4:53 pm

        I already put in my entry but, naturally, it was about some OTHER disgusting drunk. No way I’m exposing any unseemly behavior of my own.

      • January 25, 2013 4:55 pm

        After all, you DO have a reputation to uphold..

      • January 25, 2013 4:56 pm

        First I have to invent it. THEN it’s on to upholding it.

      • February 7, 2013 9:26 pm

        True story. I never tried Riunite. The End. Another story that I will not verify as true involves one messed up moment in college where the song Reunited played on the radio while I tried feverishly to remember how the Riunite jingle went. I must’ve passed out before I could figure it all out.

      • February 7, 2013 9:28 pm

        May I inform you that this is the first Riunite comment hijack on Childhood Relived, but certainly not the last.

      • February 8, 2013 12:20 pm

        Oh, and by the way. I just invented a new term for what some people (whose lives are so pathetic they have nothing better to do) do when they go on and on in a comment hijack on somebody else’s blog, but they are ALL BY THEMSELVES. It’s called Comment Masturbation.

      • February 8, 2013 3:19 pm

        …and like most masturbation, it’s enhanced by generous portions of cheap red wine.

      • February 10, 2013 3:15 pm

        Wow. Taking to a whole new level here.

      • February 10, 2013 3:24 pm

        Ummm…well….SHE STARTED IT!

      • February 10, 2013 3:25 pm

        Peg started a comment chain about masturbation? Not you? Yeah, who would ever believe that.

      • February 10, 2013 3:36 pm

        It’s been said that I bring out the worst in people…

      • February 8, 2013 12:21 pm

        ..and then post it in the wrong place. I give up.

    • February 7, 2013 9:23 pm

      I hate to burst your Hubba Bubba bubble, but Riunite was retired, along with Jell-O Pudding Pops and Hubba Bubba mint-flavored bubble gum, in 1988. They are together stored in an underground time capsule which we can all access at the turn of the next century.

      • February 8, 2013 9:41 am

        Retired??? So I couldn’t re-experience my college experience (Today is National Redundant Day) even if I wanted to? Dang!

      • February 8, 2013 9:54 am

        I think I’m wrong there. I was have drunk on Riunite when I wrote this last night.

      • February 8, 2013 9:56 am

        I hate to have to correct you Peg, but today is actually National Day of Redundancy National Day. I mean, if you are gonna celebrate, I would ask you to correctly get the name correct.

      • February 10, 2013 3:21 pm

        Thank you, Misty — I do appreciate that you pointed this out when you let me know this.

      • February 8, 2013 11:46 am

        Thanks for the help, Misty. I always have trouble with those national holidays. For instance, apparently it is National Wrong Verb Tense Day and only Angie bothered to look at her calendar (I was have drunk???).

      • February 10, 2013 3:26 pm

        I was have drunk when I wrote that comment. Allegedly.

      • February 8, 2013 11:54 am

        Now that I look at Angie’s comment, I may have got that wrong. It may be National Helping Verb Redundancy Day. (See? See how I did that there – tied it all back together? You’re welcome.)

      • February 8, 2013 12:18 pm

        Now that I look at MY comment, I may have gotten the part wrong where I typed “I may have got that wrong”. Or I may have that wrong. It may be National Mis-conjugating Day.

      • February 10, 2013 3:17 pm

        Actually, it’s National Celebrate As You See Fit Day. So you’re gold.

      • February 8, 2013 4:31 pm

        I just hope and pray the time capsule buryers had the good sense to stash a bottle of Soave Bolla in there too. Sometimes you need a white wine, like if you’re having fish sticks.

      • February 8, 2013 4:34 pm

        Classy!

      • February 8, 2013 4:38 pm

        Yeah…that me!

      • February 10, 2013 3:15 pm

        Or Tuna Helper…

  9. January 25, 2013 1:27 pm

    What about bookshelves made of boards and bricks – Spidey didn’t have those, and I bet he didn’t even have the good taste to “repurpose” a giant wooden spool for a dining table.

    • February 7, 2013 8:53 pm

      Ooh, I like your style! That sounds a lot like my brother’s college pad.

  10. January 25, 2013 5:45 pm

    I like how you captured all the sense with your apt.(and “apt”) description; you sound well on your way to crazy old cat lady. I also did not realize that Firestar was part of this show’s ensemble before writhing on Whitesnake’s hood. And also thank you to Pegoleg for putting the Riunite so nice, Riunite on ice song in my head…

    • February 7, 2013 8:51 pm

      Wow, good call on the Whitesnake muse!

      Try to sing the Riunite jingle in your head while the song Reunited is being played in the background. Impossible. I speak from experience.

  11. January 25, 2013 8:08 pm

    Where did you put the bean-bag chair?

    • February 7, 2013 8:49 pm

      I left my bean bag chair at my parents’ house. You can only duct tape-patch those things so many times before they lose their luster.

      • February 7, 2013 9:05 pm

        Hey Pal. There is always more duct tape!

  12. January 25, 2013 8:36 pm

    My son wishes for wall to wall computers.

    I had rainbow suspenders and one of those Kliban cat autograph books. I was so cool.

    Sounds like we would have been besties. ;)

    • February 7, 2013 8:47 pm

      Rainbow suspenders in college? As in Mork from Ork? Why, you don’t look a day over 22, Renee. I love being old enough to remember back to when Robin Williams was still called “funny”.

  13. January 27, 2013 12:47 am

    I had the cool apartment like Spidey’s. After guests left, I could pull my mattress off the wall to make a bed. My coffee table (four milk crates) also doubled as a computer desk. My television was a convenient place to set drinks. And if you opened the refrigerator, it blocked the front door protecting us from intruders. It was awesome.

    • February 7, 2013 8:37 pm

      I was already impressed by the milk crate coffee table, but the refrigerator door acting as a security device — that’s even better than having Spidey guard your pad. I think you won this apartment showdown.

  14. January 28, 2013 10:15 am

    Oh, The Hulk, I’m so impressed. Psshh, try signed Matthew Perry promotional headshot.

    • February 7, 2013 8:35 pm

      Golly gee willikers! I hope you kept that thing behind glass, Jill!

  15. January 28, 2013 3:53 pm

    I think my ears are bleeding from that “music”

    • February 7, 2013 8:25 pm

      Ya liking that early ’80s electronicky jazz? It really picks up some juice at 0:47.

  16. January 31, 2013 3:57 pm

    Gosh, wall-to-wall computers would have scared the crap out of me back then. It took me forever to figure out DOS. My milk crate dresser and word processor were just fine.

    • February 7, 2013 8:27 pm

      Do you remember playing Oregon Trail on the computers in school? Imagine how fun it’d be playing Oregon Trail on these badass machines! Or just imagine rearranging your milk crate sock drawer. Like just about that much fun.

  17. February 1, 2013 11:26 am

    Milk crates, stolen, not purchased: check. Laundry basket storage: check. Computers of any kind? Umm. No. But we did have a TV on which we watched FANTASTIC shows, like Friday the 13th the Series (so much 80’s). And we once lived in an old farmhouse that could have been a setting for Friday the 13th the movie. Oh, and the red carpet? My guess is Sloe Gin.

    • February 7, 2013 8:32 pm

      Sloe Gin — just saying those words is Pavlovian for me, my mouth immediately spasms into a dry heave response.

      I can tell we would’ve got along famously, Lynnette. And maybe you’d even lend me your puka shell necklace.

  18. February 6, 2013 2:00 pm

    LOL Angie, you are too funny. As you are well aware, I’m a child of “let’s make do” parents. All of my Barbie houses were of crates and boxes, decorated with pictures on the walls (school photos of me, of course!) and shoe boxes with material on them for beds. I’m amazed still at what we came up with.

    Guess what? Now we’re in the 21st century and going first class! My kids’ parents make way more money than my parents could ever hope to have (education does help). We have not 2, not 3, but like 5 computers (okay, three are old and rebuilt because I don’t throw anything away), and even a touch-screen device (just acquired…late, I might add) just like Spidey’s house.

    But you know? My girls don’t have the $100 Barbie mansion like their cousin does. Theirs is still made from shelving, boxes, or anything they can find that I don’t want anymore. Their hand-made wooden furniture (that my mom and other-mom made us in the 80’s) was even mine, passed to the girls a few Christmas’ ago (what? junk for Christmas? why, of course at DirtNKids!!). Some things never change.

    They won’t have a car when their 16 either. It’ll be a crappy old beat up VW that they’ll have to build and fix themselves. Oh yeah.

    You make me smile, girl.

    PS — we could never be college roomies. Anything lime green and cat pee odor just don’t go well together, methinks.

    • February 7, 2013 9:32 pm

      Not kidding that my Barbie’s house was a double-sided wooden orange crate. It lacked the pink plastic elevator that my friends’ Barbie houses included, but my Barbie had the amazing ability to climb the wall up to the second floor.

      Of course you know I am right there with you on the kids driving junker cars. Only I’m not as awesome as you and can’t show them how to fix them.

      Thanks for stopping by, Shannon. I’ve been off the grid and I even missed your blogoversary. I suck.

      • February 8, 2013 2:38 pm

        And all that? And you know what? I’m still your friend, Spidey!! We’ll touch base soon. Promise. Been much the same here too. BTW, Barbies look HOT in blue and red spandex. Must be the 54″ chest.

      • February 10, 2013 3:16 pm

        Or the 6″ waist…

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