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Frequently Asked Questions

Q.  Is this another mommy blog?

A.  Maybe in a vague sense.  I am in fact a “mommy” and I have one too.  And you’ll learn more about her here, more than she would wish for me to divulge.  You’ll also learn about a homemade backyard Slip & Slide, a Cabbage Patch Kid that may or may not have had its eye scratched out, and a pen pal who collected rubbers.  Let’s see your mommy blogs offer that.

Q.  I limit my online reading to just mommy blogs.  Can you promise me stories that include you popping valium while cleaning feces off the wall?

A.  That’s quite possible.  Jude will soon be potty-training, I own three pets, and, if this relates, I was told I once ate the contents of my own diaper (which might have resulted in my mom popping valium).

Q.  Why would I want to read about your dumb childhood when I have my own to deal with in therapy?

A.  Yes, but did you spend your childhood traveling with a carnival?  I didn’t either.  But my parents took me to a few.  That’s why I need therapy.

Q.  Will everything you write about be true?

A.  In rare cases, names will be changed.  And I like the word “truthiness.”

Q.  Hey, I knew you back when you were a kid.  Is my name going to ever appear in here?  Should I be worried?  Should I have my attorney begin drafting the paperwork for a defamation of character suit?

A.  No comment.

Q.  I can’t get enough of 1980s nostalgia!  Hey, what do you remember about that Rubik’s Cube?

A.  My brother pulled the tiny blocks apart, coated them with Vaseline and put them back together in order to twist the puzzle pieces at lightning fast speed like the professionals did.  But then, whose brother didn’t do that.  Sorry, that’s all I’ve got.

Q.  Where were you during the Watergate break-in?

A.  I was born in 1975.  My memories only date past my embryonic phase.  Allegedly I was in a womb in Florida at that time.

Q:  Are the photos on your blog really you?  Did you suffer from facial twitches as a child?  Did your parents not wash or groom you?

A:  Good question.  My parents will have to answer that one for you and me both.  And to their higher power.

Q.  Who is watching your two kids while you write this?

A.  I’ve covered our electrical outlets and we have a Netflix subscription.  I’m sure they’re fine.  I better go check now to make sure.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. October 5, 2011 12:31 am

    Thanks for the ideas. FAQs is a perfect format for me to lie. Is there some law where we’re supposed to be blogging the truthiness? I fu#ked that one up already.
    But I love your style (in writing–I’ve never seen your shoes).

    • October 5, 2011 7:28 pm

      Thanks! And, yes, by all means replicate your own FAQs! They’re so enjoyable to write that I wish I could write in that format all the time.
      Q. Do you really?
      A. Yes, I do. It’s fun to pretend to ask myself questions.
      Q. That’s sort of creepy in a split-personality way.
      A. That wasn’t a question.
      Q. It wasn’t?
      A. No.

      • February 10, 2012 10:07 pm

        You’re funny. Yeah, I might have room for one more mommy blog…

      • February 11, 2012 2:09 pm

        I’m not a mommy blog but I do talk about poop a lot.

      • August 23, 2012 4:23 pm

        Haha. That was fantastic. I enjoyed this :)

      • August 24, 2012 3:13 pm

        Q. Was it really?
        A. Thanks for stopping by!

  2. October 16, 2011 6:34 am

    Hey, for that last question, I have the same answer! Netflix rules.

    • October 16, 2011 2:30 pm

      I thought I’d be the parent who kept my children away from the TV set since I was practically raised by the Cleavers, Huxtables, Bradys, Reeds, Flintstones and Keatons. After having my second kid, I changed my tune to “bring on the Netflix.”

  3. October 22, 2011 4:03 pm

    haha, what a great page! And I still can’t get over your “Animals and Snow” paper. It’s so sweet and pure! I wonder what your “what makes me happy” article would sound like now?

    • October 24, 2011 7:24 am

      Thanks, Simple Life! I can tell you what my “what makes me happy” article would sound like now. Complete crap. If you click on the picture of it, you can read the story behind it and how I turned something “sweet and pure” into bratty greed.

  4. August 22, 2012 9:39 pm

    I do like the question and answer thing! This will help with the voice in my head. I’ve been commenting a lot, but your blog is so hilarious! Also PTSD inducing! I was born in 1976 so this stuff really smacks me in the face with memories. My big brother took all the stickers off the Rubik’s cube and put them in the right place rather than solve it himself. And he nearly killed me when I went in his room and twisted it up again.

    • August 24, 2012 3:10 pm

      Yes, I remember my brother taking the stickers off the Rubik’s cube too. He didn’t tell me until years later that he hadn’t actually solved it. Thanks for reading!

  5. January 2, 2013 10:53 pm

    I took off the stickers AND took apart the blocks of Rubik’s Cube.

    That’s the only thing I’ve ever cheated at. Ever. Really.

  6. April 23, 2013 1:17 am

    The good thing is the Rubik’s Cube LIVES at the Dollar Store now! Yep, a buck, no does accepted unless they’re dollorable.

    My jokes were equally good in grade school and high school – so advanced was my humor that only I could comprehend its intelligence.

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